Stocktaking, Fading Friendships and Slow 

Deaths.

How often do we ask ourselves if our friendships are past there “best - before dates?”

2017 was a very self-empowering year for me because I got to learn that auditing and editing friendships is a healthy way to ensure that the people in our lives are there because we value them and they us.

We have respect for one another and most of all our friendships are based on a foundation of being mutually beneficial for both parties.

We are not friends out of convenience, we are not friends because of mutual friends, we are not friends because we share a past and we are certainly not friends out of obligation or guilt, in actual fact we are friends purely because we value each other and most importantly because we choose to have each other in our lives.

It was completely freeing to have a honest conversation with myself after some much needed stocktaking, about the fact that there are friendships in my journey that are simply fading… and that those that are not fading are dying a slow death and should I feel that they are no more of value it is OK to let these people go.

There are a million reasons why a friendship may change over time. A million reasons why we maybe need to let them go and I realized the only one thing that was keeping these useless friendships in my life was conditioned obligation and fear.

Nobody wants to hurt anybody, nobody wants to reject people that they have spent years, moments and memories with, but at the same time nobody wants to be treated like a drive-thru.

So it dawned on me that one of the hardest things to navigate is that moment, that moment when you realize that you have out grown a friend or two or three.

I have come to realize that we as people are shit scared of letting relationships run their course and instead we hang on to the past, what was, how it was, how great our relationships were, the memories, how close we use to be, the amount of years we have been homies, without having an honest look as to what ACTUALLY IS.

We can blatantly see; or at least I could, that these people in my life either no longer served a purpose or have been cruising through under the guise of “friendship” … “ten years” “high school”… “best friend”... closest confidants etc. or they seemingly just simply have been missing in my life and all its milestones….. But like the little nostalgia addicts that we are … we solider the fcuk on.

We allow them space in our hearts, time in our lives ; a glimpse into our worlds, without daring to sit back, take stock of the friendship and realize that it is indeed fading and that maybe we should LET IT die the slow death that it is suppose to.

Rather we turn a blind eye to all the times they have cancelled on us, the times that they are simply too busy, the moments when we are making all the efforts, or how they may be choosing to spend their time with other people whom now better suit their lifestyles.

Communications starts to dwindle, life “apparently” gets in the way and by the time you look around it has been months to a year that you have engaged in anything SLIGHTLY resembling a friendship or relationship.

Don’t get me wrong friendship by no means, means spending every waking hour together, we are all grown ups now.. but there are some things that constitute a relationship, caring, interest and love.

So here’s my advice for 2018 as you do your stocktaking:

First and foremost, auditing and editing friendships is a healthy way to ensure that you are looking out for yourself and that you are putting your inner peace and best interest first.

Then let a so-so friendship that’s no longer working for you FADE OUT, let it die the slow death, you cannot fight if no one is going to climb into the ring with you, if it’s not mutually beneficial for you both then let it go, easier said than done, I know ….but do it afraid if you have too.

If a friendship starts to feel like an obligation, or if you feel guilt, you may be trying to give too much.  If your giving what you can and it’s not being reciprocated with genuine care then the truth is that it’s no longer mutually beneficial, file it under fading, and then treat it as such.

We all need to be realistic about the ways we can engage with others and how often they are if at all meeting us half way. 

We need to realize that our love and care is GOLDEN and it’s not a fcuken given or a god dam free for all.

Similarly for Friends who ONLY call you when they need something, friends whom keep you well informed about themselves and their lives; but don’t even know or care to ask about yours …. Hmmm let that friendship fade, it’s not mutually beneficial you’re simply a crutch to them.

Then this one goes without saying but it was a great bone to chew on for me... toxic friends …they are like a disease and your wasting your time with these joy stealers.

I don’t care what and how great whatever and whomever use to be, if they have become soul sucking joy stealers cut cut cut – file under slow death treat as such.

You need to realize that people can stay in your hearts, but they no longer get a front row seat to your life, by all means say a little prayer for them and wish them well.

Then lastly moving on doesn’t mean forgetting all of the wonderful ways you and your friends connected in the past. You can continue to love them beyond the times of late night phone calls and regular get-togethers.

But It’s a new year and the great thing about new year’s is that we get to do a bit of stocktaking, we get to reflect on things we can do better, milestones we would like to reach and things we want to get rid off like the bottom feeders in our lives that call themselves friends.

Your thoughts

StilettoRambler

Daddy Issues - Whats Yours?

Fathers play such a vital role when it comes to women developing a healthy male relationship or even a healthy relationship with herself.

They also deeply fcuk us up and we do very little in realising just how badly they broke us and what we need to do to heal from their affections or lack of affections.

What we do instead is jump into the dating pool, and or friendships to tackle the very things that broke us in some way or another with our issues NEATLY intact, and then later we complain because other people are the problem.(smh)

I must declare up front that I have been asked many times, why I have never shared my opinion on daddy issues and to be honest; I have been sitting on this post for some time now ; it’s the kind of post that throws me WAY out of my comfort zone, merely because it’s something that took me a while to fully grasp, I have still been growing with it and I am still learning from it.

I hope to offend you with this post, because if I offend you, I have pushed you a little bit out of your comfort zone; and let’s admit it; that’s where growth happens.

Here is the ugly truth, your relationship, and situation - ship, dating life, marriages, or any other situation where you find yourself continuously dealing with the same BS in your  life whether it things such as boundary issues, respect, vulnerability, emotional availability and or pride.

Things that cause you, in the end, to be alone or with a douche bag is because you have daddy issues meaning YOU:

A – Haven’t forgiven your father;

B – Haven’t realised that you have issues with him.

C- You are still angry with him and you’re trying to deal with those hurts through dating different variations of him; or 

D –You idolise your father SO much and that is causing your love life to slowly wither away and die.

Relationships are a very big deal for us as humans; because we are social creatures; yet we do very little to see how our relationships with our dads have shaped our dating habits or even friendships. I can tell I have, and not only is it frightening to see the different variations of my father in different friends and people, but its also a major growing - curve and giant leap towards being the best version of yourself.

What I do see more than I would like too, is women dating different variations of the issues they had with their dads or idolising their fathers to such an extent that they never find a partner because their ideals are very unrealistic and the men that they try to date just land up leaving and feeling inadequate.

I also see friendships built on the issues daddy left us with, I have seen people trying to overcompensate and bend in a friendship because they don’t want to lose love or be rejected, I have seen people let their boundaries be driven over with a tractor because they never had the chance to establish there own, I have seen people bully and get bullied because that’s all they ever saw daddy do.

if your a women,  father is your first love they say.

So there is my question for you today....what’s your daddy issue?

Do you only date older men?

·    Have you realised that you are struggling with a sense of security and these silver foxes are your different variations of the same person\ problem. ..Because daddy never really provided or he was the only one to really coddle and understand you so younger men can never compete?

Are you overly protective; jealous or clingy?

·  Because you didn’t grow up with him at home and now you smoother your man because you’re afraid he will leave you too?

 Are you miss monogamy the serial monogamist?

· You saw just how devastating it was for your mother when he left, or how she struggled without him;

· So now you serially date because it’s taboo to be man-less? Or you want to prove to

yourself that you are a better person then he was? that you can commit

· So you bounce from one relationship to another without any thought or growth?

·  Or even worse you stay in a long term unfulfilling relationship because it’s safe?

Are you the very stubborn self-reliant women?

· “Who don’t need no man” can look after herself and will never be emotionally available or vulnerable to anyone, because for as long as you knew; daddy was just pure trash, a non existent pillar for you to lean on and all you gots is yourself?

 Or are you the classic overly promiscuous girl?

·  That only got compliments from daddy because of your beauty or great outfit and now you think sex is power, that is  how to get a mans attention and thus throw yourself into meaningless overnight relationships with jerks who couldn’t bother to remember your name, because attention and real validation was missing?

Offended yet? No?

Great; then you won’t mind me telling you to stop playing the victim to douche bag men and throwing  pity parties because you haven’t done the real work?

And I can also add that your heartache is completely self-afflicted because you are a grown ass educated women that can afford the world and maybe even balances books for major corporations but you can’t have a healthy relationship?

Funny how we can balance books, run multi-million dollar campaigns but cannot sort out our own issues…

Here is the deal; there ARE men out there who are NOT like your father, and there are decent men out there who can be the start of a beautiful journey; but hear me and trust me when I say:

Your A$$ will not find him, will not find your happily ever after, until you tackle those cracks in your SELF then deal and heal.

Learn to understand your weaknesses as a person,

Work to conquer them and I promise you that things will start to fall into place.

So that the next time you venture out into the murky waters of relationships your weaknesses will have turned into the tools you need to use to  forge a healthy mutually respectable relationship built on trust, respect and love.

Until that day you will continue to date different variations of your daddy or sit in different variations of boundary issues, respect issues, vulnerability issues, emotional unavailability and or pride.

All in an attempt to heal.

You will continue to date daddies controlling nature or daddies lack of security or daddy the jerk who only validated you based nonsensical twaddle.

There is a saying that goes something in the lines of;

 “When a vase falls onto the floor it cracks and even though you glue it back together it will never be the same again”

That’s all and well, but I will let you know, that I would rather date a broken glued up vase because at best it can still carry water and keep a plant alive.

Then a pieces of shattered glass  laying on the floor because she hasn’t sorted herself out.

Your thoughts?

StilletoRambler 

BRIDE. MATCH. BURN - WHEN IS IT TIME 

TO LEAVE A RELATIONSHIP.

There are a few things in life that can take your heart;steer your mind and change your being as much as a relationship can; because they are very important elements in all of our lives.

They are some of the craziest, trickiest journeys we will ever go on and that’s why it’s important to weed out the wrong ones, and nurture and grow the right ones.

But obviously that is easier said than done, because some as we know will be blessings and some lessons, but which one is which seems to remain one of those great life mysteries.

 As some of us have seen and experienced with relationships;  they will always continue to surprise you.

Like when time gets tough or better yet when good things happens in your life …people will leave you.

When it comes to them benefiting over you, people will betray you.

Your thinking they have changed, I am thinking they are just slowly revealing themselves.

Then there are so many fake A$$ people, your just not able to separate the wolves from the sheep and lastly even the best relationships will not last forever.

Stand on your head;

Sell your soul if you want, but last forever they won’t.

Having taken part in reasons, seasons and lifetimes and the joys and lessons they have bestowed on  me over the years.

I wanted to share with you my one and only tool.

The tool I use to let of go of the soul suckers, peace stealer's and joy crushers that I have come across over my lifetimes as it saddens and irritates me to no end when I see people still stuck with nonsense and calling it a relationship or a friendship.

 The tool I use consist of two words.

•  Affected? Or Infected? (aka contaminated)

Are you affected or infected?

 If you are able to affect the person in your relationship and they are also affecting you in a positive; cherished and nurtured way - you are still good to GO.

But it you find that you are no longer being affected but negatively infected, tainted, damaged, and polluted. I belief it’s time to walk over the bridge you have built with each other; set it on fire and let it go.

If you need some more time for closure, watch it burn.

AFFECTED POSITIVELY: STAY GROW AND NURTURE.

 INFECTED NEGATIVELY LEAVE.

In the end you need to realize that your peace is your power and if someone is stealing your joy or infecting you instead of positively affecting you then it’s time to leave that relationship.

We need to keep strife out of our lives, and we are the only people that can ensure that we cancel out bitterness, strife and offense.

Don’t spend time building walls, don’t take time to hold onto anger. Just ask yourself if you are being affected or infected.

Therein lies your your freedom and peace.

Your Thoughts?

StilettoRambler

THE BS OF THE BOYFRIEND - HUSBAND 

BEST FRIEND BANDWAGON SYNDROME

 I would like to tackle the whole belief that your boyfriend\husband and best friend should be the same person because I totally disagree, no i am lying i dont disagree i think its absolute nonsense.

If you are one of those people who are on that band wagon then Kudos to you, but I am just not seeing how we can be well rounded partners for our loved ones if we have all our eggs in one basket.
With this Boyfriend best friend band wagon syndrome nonsense! I mean really, can a girl live? what world do these people live in?, in what world are these two elements even the same? Has the world lost its mind because I think thats its the craziest thing i have ever come across.

•  When you’re not being treated well, you will compromise yourself by staying longer than you should because you have made your partner your bestie and isolated yourself.

• You will find it hard to stand up for yourself and you will stay and take BS for longer.

•  Best friends talk about everything—period issues, gross bodily functions, men, the random frienemy at work - you name it. There’s no filter - trying to talk your boyfriends \husbands ear off about these things, is not only “ not a good look” or very boring to them,   but I can’t see it doing any wonders for  the bedroom and or  romance either.

• Your standing without any support best friends are there to be confided in, allow you to off load and be one of your pillars, make sure you maintain, no man is an island and say what you want but your girl and man have lives and interests too that dont only equate being all about you.

• A LOT of unhappiness is because of lack of time for the self  - we are all human beings with different interests and expecting or even trying to turn your partner into your bestie is the start to compromising yourself and a healthy relationship.

 Your own needs must be given some priority so that, as a fulfilled person, you can then be in a position to be more generous with your partner and others around you.
You are an individual, who knows what keeps you happy and what keeps you sane, so make sure you choose every day to be best person you can be for your partner and if that means time out with your homies or girls over lunch or drinks that’s perfectly fine too.

Because I have met and seen some women and men  who have ghosted into long term relationships over the years and most seem deeply unhappy and in my rationality - if you’re not happy.. How can you be a good wife or girlfriend?!?

Having recently gotten married and stepping out of my writing hibernation, one of the most interesting pieces of advice I kept on receiving from anyone who had “been there” and felt experienced enough in  the marriage arena is that “ There is no place for friendships in marriage and that your husband is now to become your bestie.”

These two things to most people seem to be mutually exclusive and we have all witnessed how many girlfriends\homies we have lost to long term relationships and how many have straight up ghosted us after marriage.

Almost like marriage is the “ Rite of passage to loneliness and everything you knew socially is simply no longer allowed  Crazy I know..also YAWN

I was warned by divorcees that this means the end of knowing my single friends or friendship as I knew it,  I was welcomed to the club by  my married friends cause now its somehow easier for us to hang out !?1 “ now that we have soooo much more in common” and I was warned by my elders that’s its time I put this friendship and having my own life foolery aside and step up and fulfill my duties as a wife. ….. AGAIN ...YAWN

Anyway being that I have no time for what our single celled amoeba society thinks; I listened, but never really gave my thoughts on it at the time.

Fast-forward a few months and I am sitting on the plane watching Blackish, and the episode was focused around the premise that our partners, husbands, and boyfriends are at some point or another supposed to take on the role or become our best friend or long term and only confidant AKA best friend.

This all gets played out by Dre’s best friend Gigi coming over to spend some time with him and how Rainbow and Dre deal with it (Season 2  eps 11 ...watch it)

Here we are again I am thinking! 

I sometimes wonder if society puts any thought behind the baseless things and stupid sheeple indoctrination's it tries to force down our throats.

seriously though...

Show me a happy isolated girlfriend or wife? no please show me? Show me the boyfriends and husbands that are happy to talk about menses and messed up cycles, the bachelor, and wash day regimes?

Show me the partners who aren’t taping the game because  as your only and bestie they need to go to the art gallery with you and are desperately trying to avoid social media so they can still watch their game.

Boyfriend\ Husband Best Friend Band Wagon my A$$...PUHLeaaaase!

Can we get real and do what realistic and not retarded?

Don’t get me wrong all relationships are sacred and should be protected and respected, communication should be open and honest and by this I mean your business does not have to be hung out in the streets. BUT let’s say, however, that you want to go to a movie or a meal out or maybe just
 for some drinks.

What if your partner prefers a different movie than the one you want to see?
 Or a different type of restaurant food?  
What if he or she would prefer not to go to a movie at all but to a sports event or an art museum? and lands up dragging their feet the whole night?

Do you then forego what you want for the sake of couple harmony and boyfriend best bandwagon syndrome?

 If so you might find yourself  living your life via someone else’s choices rather than your own because you claimed this partner- bestie life and that i believe  is never going to lead to a healthy mutually beneficial relationship but instead to resent and feeling lonely in your relationship.

So whats my isssue? whats my reasons for thinking that these entities should be kept separate:
well: 

In the end I strongly feel that you need to be your own best friend first. 

I prefer to keep these two elements very separate entities because my partner is the person I am in love with, my lover , my forever, my  warm; passionate and wonderful.

 My best friends are built from years and years of cultivating a relationship based on common interests, respect and epic amounts of  alcohol filled nonsense from unfiltered conversations about nonsensical twaddle like hair extensions, hair dressers,aliens and nights out clubbing, to holding each other’s hands through heartache as well as  each others hair up at the end of the night in the bathroom end of a  heavy night.

Don’t fall into this trap, dont climb onto this band wagon if you dont want to and you don’t feel guilty about it either.

Your thoughts?

StilettoRambler

CONQUERING THE WEAKNESSES IN YOUR LOVE LANGUAGE

Oriah mountain dreamer wrote “It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love; for your dream; for the adventure of being alive.”

A very big part of life for me revolves not just around knowing your worth, establishing your boundaries and striving to make this short time on this planet meaningful it’s also about self-mastery and taking accountability for all things you.

Which brings me to how quickly we criticise what our loved ones and friends don’t do enough of and don’t do correctly.

 Actions of course seen through our broken windows and incorrect perceptions, it sees us quickly throwing away the responsibility of being loved correctly by ourselves onto others  and then to add insult to injury we not only push the blame onto others, we also choose to run away or make loaded statements like:

You don’t love me, or I am clearly not appreciated or good enough.

So what do you complain \ blame others for or about most often? And where did you get taught that that’s okay? because as far as I am concerned taking care of yourself is your very own responsibility.

So to better help you understand your love language it you don’t know it by now.

When you say to your partner, “I don’t think you would ever touch me if I did not initiate it,” you are revealing that physical touch is your love language.

When your partner goes on a business trip and you say, “You didn’t bring me anything?” you are indicating that receiving gifts is your language.

 “We don’t ever spend time together,” indicates the love language of quality time.
  

Failure to meet these needs I have noticed sees most of us flat spinning and lashing out hurt and all sorts of painful things, being a culprit of this myself,  I started thinking about mastering our love languages or should I say better managing ourselves interim's of it, cause let’s face it, whether we like it out not

We all display love a little differently. We need to stop making other people accountable for how we receive love, and while we are teaching others how to love us, we need to learn to better manage our love languages low self-esteem by ourselves.

Some of us just like to shower our loved ones with praise and affirmation. Others convey love through physical touch. Some of us want nothing more than to give gifts to the people we care about, whereas others prefer to run errands for friends and loved ones.

 Some people don’t always display affection overtly but prefer to spend time around the people they love as a means of expressing their investment and that’s just that. it doesn't mean your not loved. it doesn't mean your not cared for so instead of lashing out start teaching and taking accountability.

Where the mastery comes in for me is in how we deal with the ID of our self-esteems low self-esteem, that nagging primitive part in us that’s wants love NOW! And want it OUR-WAY! And WITH IMMEDIATE EFFECT.

It’s time we shut up that sabotage- er- er  and work ourselves from the inside out.

I thought it’s time we had a candid conversations about our love languages and how to conquer them by ourselves and for the sake  of sanity and to move towards healthy relationships.

I have talked a lot about understanding your love language, but I have come to realize that for most people this means,

• 1   google love languages
• 2.  do the test and see what they are,
• 3-   Ask a partner or friend to do the same to see what theirs is and that is that

granted this is what I want us to  do as it’s a vital tool to have in our journey to a mutually beneficial relationships 

 BUT 

what I also meant is understand the negative or ugly sides of your love languages  so that you can better manage the sabotager-er-ers or better manage your demands and expectations

Because let’s face it.

Understanding the good of something is useless without the bad and  it won’t make complete sense.

So here are some of the elements or dark wolves if you will; of love languages as well as how best to deal with them, because if we don’t learn to love ourselves we are not on a path of growth and cannot teach people how to treat us.

Quality time: “We don’t ever spend time together”:

·       This can come across as being overly needy at times, having unrealistic expectations on people’s time and isolating yourself cause nobody gets it, spending time with them in a group is not spending time, the TV becomes competition, the words busy and too tired will cause reigns of terror to come your way, interruptions mean you don’t care and checking your cellophane while with them can lead to all hell breaking lose.

The ADVICE:

·    If you’re a quality time person and your partner does an act of service for you; instead of moaning and bitching about not being spend time with,

·       I urge you to create this time for yourself. Hear me create the Q- time for yourself, take charge of your screaming low love language self-esteem; stop having a pity party and take the initiative to set up the picnic or a dinner date or movie date. Or a walk in the park or one on one session

·      Take charge and make sure that YOU get what you require from friends and lovers. It’s your love language learn to be its maser not its slave.

Receiver of gifts:  “You didn’t bring me anything” :

·        These are the people that will be the first to peak into grocery bags when you drop them on the counter at home to see whats there for them. Thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift.Or keeps a grudge against you when you didn’t bring them something from a trip even after they said “I don’t need anything”

·        A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous

·      They literally determine how well you know them and how much thought you put in based on the gift that you bought.

The ADVICE:

·        If you like to receive love in gift form, I urge you to be realistic in as to  when and how you can receive these gifts, Be open and honest with your lover and friends by telling them that you would appreciate a small trinket from their travels for example there is nothing wrong with being clear in your communication with regards to your needs and no it doesn’t make it unromantic it just equips your partner with the love tools they need to fill your love bank

·     Spoil yourself, your allowed to gift yourself nothing is wrong with that, stop waiting on it from others.

·        It’s your love language learn to be its maser not its slave.

Acts of Service:  “if you loved me, you would do something around here.”:

·    These are the folks that like to do something for their loved one. Cooking a meal, washing dishes,running an errand, first to the scene of the crime when there is drama, willing to drive the long road while you sleep and will still get the car washed when you  reach your holiday destination.

·       Acts of service people are very quick to feel misused and unappreciated because for them love IS work made visible.

The ADVICE:

·       If you’re an acts of service person, I urge you to ask for assistance in your tasks, a lot of times you will find a lot of joy when your friend or partner performs these acts of love with you.

·        Set up a schedule for chores so that you don’t find yourself always working.

·        I know you don’t mind, but your teaching your spouse to not be a partner in what you need.

·      Reward the smallest act of service you receive; because yours is the toughest love language to see as it gets mistaken for duty.

·    Rewarding other acts of service in whatever way, shows your appreciation for it witch thus indicates that your act was not out of duty as a friend or lover or partner but out of love, something that gets miss looked often.

·       Ask for help. Don’t do it all alone.

·       It’s your love language learn to be its maser not its slave.

Physical touch: “I don’t think you would ever touch me if I did not initiate it,”:

·     these are the people that will literally count on their fingers when last you were intimate with them or held there hand in public, because for them  there is a real chemical reaction that happens in the body upon touch, and they NEED it to feel loved.

·     They revel in spas  AND being  given baths because even though touch is not always intimate, it’s welcomed. it’s a hug to say hi, a kiss to say sorry , a pat on the back to say I am here and an overall obsession with physical expression

The ADVICE:

·       If you’re a physical touch person, stop counting the big intimate touches and try and focus on the small ones too. Touch has many forms.

·      Then ask for your touch, can I have a back rub?

·      Do you mind if I just lay by your for a bit?

·      Please massage my feet?

·  It’s important that you kiss me goodbye. Work on removing yourself from your routine environment as this can kill touch.  take the initiative to initiate IT.

·      It’s your love language learn to be its maser not its slave.

Affirmation: It’s Not What You Said. It’s How You Said It!”:

·     These are the people who want to be affirmed or congratulated for putting a cup into a dish washer or for how great a lover they are, or how brilliant and shiny they are,  how well they love you,

·      how unique there laugh is,  how much of the world you mean to them,  how much you need them , how much you want them, and they want to hear this everyday 24\7, for an acts of service person for instance ; who is busy visibly showing love, this can be exhausting.

The ADVICE:

·       Start affirming yourself, because if you can’t tell yourself how great, or amazing and or brilliant a person you are, you will live life filled with needing others to acknowledge you.

·       This can lead you to people pleasing or having a negative self-esteem due to the fact that your internal communication does not match what you require from the outside world.

·       You are brilliant, beautiful, and special and a bright star and you don’t need others to constantly have to tell you.

So with that said,

 “It doesn’t interest me what your love language is, I want to know how deeply you can delve into it and conquer the demons within it. The demons that keep you from loves true kiss. I want to know how true you can be to your growth and self-mastery,

I want to know how willing you are to be your own hero, to be patient in your teachings instead of waiting for someone else to fill those voids. - StilettoRambler

Your thoughts

StilletoRambler