StilettoRambler

The Art of Healing – getting over ALL of it ; including yourself.

“I can’t believe this is happening to me!” - well it is.

“I am just SO angry; furious and sad!” - Your allowed to be just don’t hold onto it for too long eventually you will need to drop that coal.

“I will never forgive them” - you should, allow yourself to be free.

“I will never allow myself to be hurt like this again” – sounds like a lonely existence.

I have been meaning to write this post for a few years now. But healing is hard, it requires tons and tons of work, a seriously strong sense of self and an un-unwavering belief that you deserve better along with an understanding that this world is cruel and shift happens. 

Healing is hard!!!!!!!! because you n.e.e.e.d to tell yourself that no matter what life throws at you, your journey through this hell hole will be EPIC.

This post is for the douche of an ex who calls you two years later to tell you that they miss you and still love you; reassuring you that you were the best boyfriend\girlfriend they have ever had, then proceeds to put down the phone and live their best life with their new wife\ girlfriend\partner.

It’s for the ”swan on lake” type of girl ;who bumps into her ex at the supermarket with this new wife years later, plays it cool and finds herself a crying ball of mush a few hours after.

It’s for the person who never dealt with themselves, their insecurities and issues but instead choose to punish themselves and decide to live out this self-loathing in  a string of meaningless fun for a while situation -ships .

It’s for the person who immediately after a break up leaped into “fix it mode” and realizes later that they still might be very much in love with their now moved on partner.

It’s about the person who is currently carrying an open wound and does not know how to rise from the ashes or plant new stronger seeds. 

Because let’s face it healing is hard!!!  Anger is nice, it helps you function.

It’s about healing and dealing and moving on from pain.

Let me tell you a few things about pain that I have learnt over the years;

• Pain is relentless, it’s unfukcinforgiving.
•  Pain is that colic baby- night-  after night - after night,
• Pain does not care about where in your life you are, how well you are doing; what a good person you think you are.
• Pain is an egotistical sociopath that wants to remain the doom and gloom master. The master of your life, the master of your heart, the master of your growth, the master of your self-demise.
• But the most encapsulating thing about pain is not only that it is stronger then you; but that pain is easy.

So here’s to the art of healing, because it is an art (skill , knack or craft), it takes time, patience, practice and good set of balls.

Firstly before you even try and heal, I believe that you need to get over yourself, put that pride in your pocket, and admit it to yourself. You were fooled, bamboozled, used, you put effort in, it was thrown back in your face, you fought, it was a losing battle, you gave the best of yourself, maybe even all of yourself and it all came crumbling down – this for me is step number one.

Then as I have learnt in my journeys over heartache and over loss, you simply cannot allow yourself to keep moving… (dating, pretending you are OK, existing) if you haven’t taken the time to be still.

BE STILL…

BE STILLLLLL...

To see your reflection; sit with your anger, have a conversation with her, understand her, then in that same conversation  challenge your fears, CHALLENGE them  to the point that you stare that beast in the eye and tell it from now on out ; you will refuse to feed it.

Instead you promise to starve it, evict it and make a decision that your life from here on out no matter what comes from this loss, heartache or distress will be an EPIC Journey come hell or high water.

After that has been done and we have drawn the outline of our picture then; comes the easy part. The colouring in. 

tacking the sections we need to fill in in-order to create our EPIC journey.

So let’s colour;

3. We  need to accept the pain- here me out here; I  don’t mean go on missions to relive the pain I’m saying accept it as in  “ this is happening to me”  with this will come tears, loneliness  we are now heading into an adjustment period.

4.  Face the ugly truth – you cannot have emotional freedom if you chose to live in  denial. You first need to acknowledge that a bad thing has happened to you. Instead of sweeping your emotions under the rug or in the cupboard; I challenge you to open them up and have a look at your wounds, assess the damage how can we fix things if we don’t know where to start – is it my pride, is it my trust, is it my reputation, and if it all just hurts then let it for a little.. Be Still

5.  Call on your neutral observer - pretend your relationship was a movie and watch it from an objective point view, you will soon come to see many things in a different light and other perceptions will quickly start to form, perceptions that will help you move one and grow;  this I find done easiest with questions:

• Was I accepting more bullshift then I should’ve?
•  Did I overlook things because it was easier to be in a couple?
• Do I recognize the person in this silent black and white movie? Is she really me? Or had she changed? Is that really him?
• Was I allowing myself to be misused under the guise of my title as wife, husband or partner?
• Where we being as intimate as we use to?
• Did we stop dating?
• Did it become too easy to put our intimacy above everything else?
• Were we honesty still treating each other with respect?
• Communication? Was it still real or was it toothpaste and toilet paper there for a while?

If the answers to are negative then in your opinion ; is the movie that youR watching a good one?

6.Start falling out of love- I have found over the years with lost friends and boyfriends the reason the pain holds on for so long is cause we still feel so in love, come one, it takes a few months to un-feel everything that I have worked so hard on feeling right?, so I find it helpful to start falling out of love, break the visualizations and thoughts you have of them, remove the colour. Refrain from saying their name until you have lost the emotional connection to it, slowly allow yourself to let them go, to let them fade. Start practising forgetting them and by this I mean break the habits you use to have together, find new hobbies, and fill your time with new things, things geared at your healing, at your EPIC journey - create new memories.

7. Forgive …yeah I know, “eye roll”, I put it seventh, because in real healing forgiveness doesn’t happen immediately; but it is surely something that one eventually needs to do. You cannot have any form of emotional freedom if you don’t release yourself from the shackles of your anger, fear, resentment and pain.

8. Continue to talk to your inner child – I find it very important to have a conversation with your inner romantic or child; to reassure them that – it’s okay to feel lonely- It won’t be forever, its OK to be sad - something shifty happened to us after all. Its okay to want to distract ourselves for a second but we need to realize we will have to deal soon. It’s okay to need people - we are hurting, but let’s not make them our crutch.

9. Take time away from men and women – I am sorry but you cannot date and heal at the same time. Then you’re not healing; your still making someone else the focus never mind that desperation and loneliness are a$$hole drawers. (no thank you- busy working on me)

10. Believe Believe Believe that things will get better, because they will.

Trust me that phone call or encounter will come, that bump in the supermarket will happen, those suppressed  emotions will surface and believe me when I say this ;

There is NO greater feeling\freedom in this world then a healthy self because you took the time to Healthy self

StilettoRambler