StilettoRambler

CONQUERING THE WEAKNESSES IN YOUR LOVE LANGUAGE

Oriah mountain dreamer wrote “It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love; for your dream; for the adventure of being alive.”

A very big part of life for me revolves not just around knowing your worth, establishing your boundaries and striving to make this short time on this planet meaningful it’s also about self-mastery and taking accountability for all things you.

Which brings me to how quickly we criticise what our loved ones and friends don’t do enough of and don’t do correctly.

 Actions of course seen through our broken windows and incorrect perceptions, it sees us quickly throwing away the responsibility of being loved correctly by ourselves onto others  and then to add insult to injury we not only push the blame onto others, we also choose to run away or make loaded statements like:

You don’t love me, or I am clearly not appreciated or good enough.

So what do you complain \ blame others for or about most often? And where did you get taught that that’s okay? because as far as I am concerned taking care of yourself is your very own responsibility.

So to better help you understand your love language it you don’t know it by now.

When you say to your partner, “I don’t think you would ever touch me if I did not initiate it,” you are revealing that physical touch is your love language.

When your partner goes on a business trip and you say, “You didn’t bring me anything?” you are indicating that receiving gifts is your language.

 “We don’t ever spend time together,” indicates the love language of quality time.
  

Failure to meet these needs I have noticed sees most of us flat spinning and lashing out hurt and all sorts of painful things, being a culprit of this myself,  I started thinking about mastering our love languages or should I say better managing ourselves interim's of it, cause let’s face it, whether we like it out not

We all display love a little differently. We need to stop making other people accountable for how we receive love, and while we are teaching others how to love us, we need to learn to better manage our love languages low self-esteem by ourselves.

Some of us just like to shower our loved ones with praise and affirmation. Others convey love through physical touch. Some of us want nothing more than to give gifts to the people we care about, whereas others prefer to run errands for friends and loved ones.

 Some people don’t always display affection overtly but prefer to spend time around the people they love as a means of expressing their investment and that’s just that. it doesn't mean your not loved. it doesn't mean your not cared for so instead of lashing out start teaching and taking accountability.

Where the mastery comes in for me is in how we deal with the ID of our self-esteems low self-esteem, that nagging primitive part in us that’s wants love NOW! And want it OUR-WAY! And WITH IMMEDIATE EFFECT.

It’s time we shut up that sabotage- er- er  and work ourselves from the inside out.

I thought it’s time we had a candid conversations about our love languages and how to conquer them by ourselves and for the sake  of sanity and to move towards healthy relationships.

I have talked a lot about understanding your love language, but I have come to realize that for most people this means,

• 1   google love languages
• 2.  do the test and see what they are,
• 3-   Ask a partner or friend to do the same to see what theirs is and that is that

granted this is what I want us to  do as it’s a vital tool to have in our journey to a mutually beneficial relationships 

 BUT 

what I also meant is understand the negative or ugly sides of your love languages  so that you can better manage the sabotager-er-ers or better manage your demands and expectations

Because let’s face it.

Understanding the good of something is useless without the bad and  it won’t make complete sense.

So here are some of the elements or dark wolves if you will; of love languages as well as how best to deal with them, because if we don’t learn to love ourselves we are not on a path of growth and cannot teach people how to treat us.

Quality time: “We don’t ever spend time together”:

·       This can come across as being overly needy at times, having unrealistic expectations on people’s time and isolating yourself cause nobody gets it, spending time with them in a group is not spending time, the TV becomes competition, the words busy and too tired will cause reigns of terror to come your way, interruptions mean you don’t care and checking your cellophane while with them can lead to all hell breaking lose.

The ADVICE:

·    If you’re a quality time person and your partner does an act of service for you; instead of moaning and bitching about not being spend time with,

·       I urge you to create this time for yourself. Hear me create the Q- time for yourself, take charge of your screaming low love language self-esteem; stop having a pity party and take the initiative to set up the picnic or a dinner date or movie date. Or a walk in the park or one on one session

·      Take charge and make sure that YOU get what you require from friends and lovers. It’s your love language learn to be its maser not its slave.

Receiver of gifts:  “You didn’t bring me anything” :

·        These are the people that will be the first to peak into grocery bags when you drop them on the counter at home to see whats there for them. Thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift.Or keeps a grudge against you when you didn’t bring them something from a trip even after they said “I don’t need anything”

·        A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous

·      They literally determine how well you know them and how much thought you put in based on the gift that you bought.

The ADVICE:

·        If you like to receive love in gift form, I urge you to be realistic in as to  when and how you can receive these gifts, Be open and honest with your lover and friends by telling them that you would appreciate a small trinket from their travels for example there is nothing wrong with being clear in your communication with regards to your needs and no it doesn’t make it unromantic it just equips your partner with the love tools they need to fill your love bank

·     Spoil yourself, your allowed to gift yourself nothing is wrong with that, stop waiting on it from others.

·        It’s your love language learn to be its maser not its slave.

Acts of Service:  “if you loved me, you would do something around here.”:

·    These are the folks that like to do something for their loved one. Cooking a meal, washing dishes,running an errand, first to the scene of the crime when there is drama, willing to drive the long road while you sleep and will still get the car washed when you  reach your holiday destination.

·       Acts of service people are very quick to feel misused and unappreciated because for them love IS work made visible.

The ADVICE:

·       If you’re an acts of service person, I urge you to ask for assistance in your tasks, a lot of times you will find a lot of joy when your friend or partner performs these acts of love with you.

·        Set up a schedule for chores so that you don’t find yourself always working.

·        I know you don’t mind, but your teaching your spouse to not be a partner in what you need.

·      Reward the smallest act of service you receive; because yours is the toughest love language to see as it gets mistaken for duty.

·    Rewarding other acts of service in whatever way, shows your appreciation for it witch thus indicates that your act was not out of duty as a friend or lover or partner but out of love, something that gets miss looked often.

·       Ask for help. Don’t do it all alone.

·       It’s your love language learn to be its maser not its slave.

Physical touch: “I don’t think you would ever touch me if I did not initiate it,”:

·     these are the people that will literally count on their fingers when last you were intimate with them or held there hand in public, because for them  there is a real chemical reaction that happens in the body upon touch, and they NEED it to feel loved.

·     They revel in spas  AND being  given baths because even though touch is not always intimate, it’s welcomed. it’s a hug to say hi, a kiss to say sorry , a pat on the back to say I am here and an overall obsession with physical expression

The ADVICE:

·       If you’re a physical touch person, stop counting the big intimate touches and try and focus on the small ones too. Touch has many forms.

·      Then ask for your touch, can I have a back rub?

·      Do you mind if I just lay by your for a bit?

·      Please massage my feet?

·  It’s important that you kiss me goodbye. Work on removing yourself from your routine environment as this can kill touch.  take the initiative to initiate IT.

·      It’s your love language learn to be its maser not its slave.

Affirmation: It’s Not What You Said. It’s How You Said It!”:

·     These are the people who want to be affirmed or congratulated for putting a cup into a dish washer or for how great a lover they are, or how brilliant and shiny they are,  how well they love you,

·      how unique there laugh is,  how much of the world you mean to them,  how much you need them , how much you want them, and they want to hear this everyday 24\7, for an acts of service person for instance ; who is busy visibly showing love, this can be exhausting.

The ADVICE:

·       Start affirming yourself, because if you can’t tell yourself how great, or amazing and or brilliant a person you are, you will live life filled with needing others to acknowledge you.

·       This can lead you to people pleasing or having a negative self-esteem due to the fact that your internal communication does not match what you require from the outside world.

·       You are brilliant, beautiful, and special and a bright star and you don’t need others to constantly have to tell you.

So with that said,

 “It doesn’t interest me what your love language is, I want to know how deeply you can delve into it and conquer the demons within it. The demons that keep you from loves true kiss. I want to know how true you can be to your growth and self-mastery,

I want to know how willing you are to be your own hero, to be patient in your teachings instead of waiting for someone else to fill those voids. - StilettoRambler

Your thoughts

StilletoRambler