Stocktaking, Fading Friendships and Slow
How often do we ask ourselves if our friendships are past there “best - before dates?”
2017 was a very self-empowering year for me because I got to learn that auditing and editing friendships is a healthy way to ensure that the people in our lives are there because we value them and they us.
We have respect for one another and most of all our friendships are based on a foundation of being mutually beneficial for both parties.
We are not friends out of convenience, we are not friends because of mutual friends, we are not friends because we share a past and we are certainly not friends out of obligation or guilt, in actual fact we are friends purely because we value each other and most importantly because we choose to have each other in our lives.
It was completely freeing to have a honest conversation with myself after some much needed stocktaking, about the fact that there are friendships in my journey that are simply fading… and that those that are not fading are dying a slow death and should I feel that they are no more of value it is OK to let these people go.
There are a million reasons why a friendship may change over time. A million reasons why we maybe need to let them go and I realized the only one thing that was keeping these useless friendships in my life was conditioned obligation and fear.
Nobody wants to hurt anybody, nobody wants to reject people that they have spent years, moments and memories with, but at the same time nobody wants to be treated like a drive-thru.
So it dawned on me that one of the hardest things to navigate is that moment, that moment when you realize that you have out grown a friend or two or three.
I have come to realize that we as people are shit scared of letting relationships run their course and instead we hang on to the past, what was, how it was, how great our relationships were, the memories, how close we use to be, the amount of years we have been homies, without having an honest look as to what ACTUALLY IS.
We can blatantly see; or at least I could, that these people in my life either no longer served a purpose or have been cruising through under the guise of “friendship” … “ten years” “high school”… “best friend”... closest confidants etc. or they seemingly just simply have been missing in my life and all its milestones….. But like the little nostalgia addicts that we are … we solider the fcuk on.
We allow them space in our hearts, time in our lives ; a glimpse into our worlds, without daring to sit back, take stock of the friendship and realize that it is indeed fading and that maybe we should LET IT die the slow death that it is suppose to.
Rather we turn a blind eye to all the times they have cancelled on us, the times that they are simply too busy, the moments when we are making all the efforts, or how they may be choosing to spend their time with other people whom now better suit their lifestyles.
Communications starts to dwindle, life “apparently” gets in the way and by the time you look around it has been months to a year that you have engaged in anything SLIGHTLY resembling a friendship or relationship.
Don’t get me wrong friendship by no means, means spending every waking hour together, we are all grown ups now.. but there are some things that constitute a relationship, caring, interest and love.
So here’s my advice for 2018 as you do your stocktaking:
First and foremost, auditing and editing friendships is a healthy way to ensure that you are looking out for yourself and that you are putting your inner peace and best interest first.
Then let a so-so friendship that’s no longer working for you FADE OUT, let it die the slow death, you cannot fight if no one is going to climb into the ring with you, if it’s not mutually beneficial for you both then let it go, easier said than done, I know ….but do it afraid if you have too.
If a friendship starts to feel like an obligation, or if you feel guilt, you may be trying to give too much. If your giving what you can and it’s not being reciprocated with genuine care then the truth is that it’s no longer mutually beneficial, file it under fading, and then treat it as such.
We all need to be realistic about the ways we can engage with others and how often they are if at all meeting us half way.
We need to realize that our love and care is GOLDEN and it’s not a fcuken given or a god dam free for all.
Similarly for Friends who ONLY call you when they need something, friends whom keep you well informed about themselves and their lives; but don’t even know or care to ask about yours …. Hmmm let that friendship fade, it’s not mutually beneficial you’re simply a crutch to them.
Then this one goes without saying but it was a great bone to chew on for me... toxic friends …they are like a disease and your wasting your time with these joy stealers.
I don’t care what and how great whatever and whomever use to be, if they have become soul sucking joy stealers cut cut cut – file under slow death treat as such.
You need to realize that people can stay in your hearts, but they no longer get a front row seat to your life, by all means say a little prayer for them and wish them well.
Then lastly moving on doesn’t mean forgetting all of the wonderful ways you and your friends connected in the past. You can continue to love them beyond the times of late night phone calls and regular get-togethers.
But It’s a new year and the great thing about new year’s is that we get to do a bit of stocktaking, we get to reflect on things we can do better, milestones we would like to reach and things we want to get rid off like the bottom feeders in our lives that call themselves friends.