Monday, 8 May 2017

BRIDE. MATCH. BURN - WHEN IS IT TIME 

TO LEAVE A RELATIONSHIP.





There are a few things in life that can take your heart;steer your mind and change your being as much as a relationship can; because they are very important elements in all of our lives.

They are some of the craziest, trickiest journeys we will ever go on and that’s why it’s important to weed out the wrong ones, and nurture and grow the right ones.

But obviously that is easier said than done, because some as we know will be blessings and some lessons, but which one is which seems to remain one of those great life mysteries.

 As some of us have seen and experienced with relationships;  they will always continue to surprise you.

Like when time gets tough or better yet when good things happens in your life …people will leave you.

When it comes to them benefiting over you, people will betray you.

Your thinking they have changed, I am thinking they are just slowly revealing themselves.

Then there are so many fake A$$ people, your just not able to separate the wolves from the sheep and lastly even the best relationships will not last forever.

Stand on your head;

Sell your soul if you want, but last forever they won’t.

Having taken part in reasons, seasons and lifetimes and the joys and lessons they have bestowed on  me over the years.

I wanted to share with you my one and only tool.

The tool I use to let of go of the soul suckers, peace stealer's and joy crushers that I have come across over my lifetimes as it saddens and irritates me to no end when I see people still stuck with nonsense and calling it a relationship or a friendship.

 The tool I use consist of two words.
  •  Affected? Or Infected? (aka contaminated)


Are you affected or infected?

 If you are able to affect the person in your relationship and they are also affecting you in a positive; cherished and nurtured way - you are still good to GO.

But it you find that you are no longer being affected but negatively infected, tainted, damaged, and polluted. I belief it’s time to walk over the bridge you have built with each other; set it on fire and let it go.

If you need some more time for closure, watch it burn.

AFFECTED POSITIVELY: STAY GROW AND NURTURE.

 INFECTED NEGATIVELY LEAVE.

In the end you need to realize that your peace is your power and if someone is stealing your joy or infecting you instead of positively affecting you then it’s time to leave that relationship.

We need to keep strife out of our lives, and we are the only people that can ensure that we cancel out bitterness, strife and offense.

Don’t spend time building walls, don’t take time to hold onto anger. Just ask yourself if you are being affected or infected.

Therein lies your your freedom and peace.


Your Thoughts?
StilettoRambler

Friday, 21 April 2017

THE BS OF THE BOYFRIEND - HUSBAND 

BEST FRIEND BANDWAGON SYNDROME





 I would like to tackle the whole belief that your boyfriend\husband and best friend should be the same person because I totally disagree, no i am lying i dont disagree i think its absolute nonsense.


If you are one of those people who are on that band wagon then Kudos to you, but I am just not seeing how we can be well rounded partners for our loved ones if we have all our eggs in one basket.
With this Boyfriend best friend band wagon syndrome nonsense! I mean really, can a girl live? what world do these people live in?, in what world are these two elements even the same? Has the world lost its mind because I think thats its the craziest thing i have ever come across.


  •  When you’re not being treated well, you will compromise yourself by staying longer than you should because you have made your partner your bestie and isolated yourself.
  • You will find it hard to stand up for yourself and you will stay and take BS for longer.
  •  Best friends talk about everything—period issues, gross bodily functions, men, the random frienemy at work - you name it. There’s no filter - trying to talk your boyfriends \husbands ear off about these things, is not only “ not a good look” or very boring to them,   but I can’t see it doing any wonders for  the bedroom and or  romance either.
  • Your standing without any support best friends are there to be confided in, allow you to off load and be one of your pillars, make sure you maintain, no man is an island and say what you want but your girl and man have lives and interests too that dont only equate being all about you.
  • A LOT of unhappiness is because of lack of time for the self  - we are all human beings with different interests and expecting or even trying to turn your partner into your bestie is the start to compromising yourself and a healthy relationship.

 Your own needs must be given some priority so that, as a fulfilled person, you can then be in a position to be more generous with your partner and others around you.

You are an individual, who knows what keeps you happy and what keeps you sane, so make sure you choose every day to be best person you can be for your partner and if that means time out with your homies or girls over lunch or drinks that’s perfectly fine too.





Because I have met and seen some women and men  who have ghosted into long term relationships over the years and most seem deeply unhappy and in my rationality - if you’re not happy.. How can you be a good wife or girlfriend?!?

Having recently gotten married and stepping out of my writing hibernation, one of the most interesting pieces of advice I kept on receiving from anyone who had “been there” and felt experienced enough in  the marriage arena is that “ There is no place for friendships in marriage and that your husband is now to become your bestie.”

These two things to most people seem to be mutually exclusive and we have all witnessed how many girlfriends\homies we have lost to long term relationships and how many have straight up ghosted us after marriage.
Almost like marriage is the “ Rite of passage to loneliness and everything you knew socially is simply no longer allowed  Crazy I know..also YAWN

I was warned by divorcees that this means the end of knowing my single friends or friendship as I knew it,  I was welcomed to the club by  my married friends cause now its somehow easier for us to hang out !?1 “ now that we have soooo much more in common” and I was warned by my elders that’s its time I put this friendship and having my own life foolery aside and step up and fulfill my duties as a wife. ….. AGAIN ...YAWN

Anyway being that I have no time for what our single celled amoeba society thinks; I listened, but never really gave my thoughts on it at the time.

Fast-forward a few months and I am sitting on the plane watching Blackish, and the episode was focused around the premise that our partners, husbands, and boyfriends are at some point or another supposed to take on the role or become our best friend or long term and only confidant AKA best friend.

This all gets played out by Dre’s best friend Gigi coming over to spend some time with him and how Rainbow and Dre deal with it (Season 2  eps 11 ...watch it)

Here we are again I am thinking! 


I sometimes wonder if society puts any thought behind the baseless things and stupid sheeple indoctrination's it tries to force down our throats.

seriously though...

Show me a happy isolated girlfriend or wife? no please show me? Show me the boyfriends and husbands that are happy to talk about menses and messed up cycles, the bachelor, and wash day regimes?

Show me the partners who aren’t taping the game because  as your only and bestie they need to go to the art gallery with you and are desperately trying to avoid social media so they can still watch their game.

Boyfriend\ Husband Best Friend Band Wagon my A$$...PUHLeaaaase!

Can we get real and do what realistic and not retarded?

Don’t get me wrong all relationships are sacred and should be protected and respected, communication should be open and honest and by this I mean your business does not have to be hung out in the streets. BUT let’s say, however, that you want to go to a movie or a meal out or maybe just
 for some drinks.

What if your partner prefers a different movie than the one you want to see?
 Or a different type of restaurant food?  
What if he or she would prefer not to go to a movie at all but to a sports event or an art museum? and lands up dragging their feet the whole night?

Do you then forego what you want for the sake of couple harmony and boyfriend best bandwagon syndrome?

 If so you might find yourself  living your life via someone else’s choices rather than your own because you claimed this partner- bestie life and that i believe  is never going to lead to a healthy mutually beneficial relationship but instead to resent and feeling lonely in your relationship.

So whats my isssue? whats my reasons for thinking that these entities should be kept separate:
well: 


In the end I strongly feel that you need to be your own best friend first. 


I prefer to keep these two elements very separate entities because my partner is the person I am in love with, my lover , my forever, my  warm; passionate and wonderful.

 My best friends are built from years and years of cultivating a relationship based on common interests, respect and epic amounts of  alcohol filled nonsense from unfiltered conversations about nonsensical twaddle like hair extensions, hair dressers,aliens and nights out clubbing, to holding each other’s hands through heartache as well as  each others hair up at the end of the night in the bathroom end of a  heavy night.

Don’t fall into this trap, dont climb onto this band wagon if you dont want to and you don’t feel guilty about it either.


Your thoughts?


StilettoRambler

Wednesday, 1 February 2017

CONQUERING THE WEAKNESSES IN YOUR LOVE LANGUAGE













Oriah mountain dreamer wrote “It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love; for your dream; for the adventure of being alive.



A very big part of life for me revolves not just around knowing your worth, establishing your boundaries and striving to make this short time on this planet meaningful it’s also about self-mastery and taking accountability for all things you.
Which brings me to how quickly we criticise what our loved ones and friends don’t do enough of and don’t do correctly.
 Actions of course seen through our broken windows and incorrect perceptions, it sees us quickly throwing away the responsibility of being loved correctly by ourselves onto others  and then to add insult to injury we not only push the blame onto others, we also choose to run away or make loaded statements like:


You don’t love me, or I am clearly not appreciated or good enough.


So what do you complain \ blame others for or about most often? And where did you get taught that that’s okay? because as far as I am concerned taking care of yourself is your very own responsibility.

So to better help you understand your love language it you don’t know it by now.

When you say to your partner, “I don’t think you would ever touch me if I did not initiate it,” you are revealing that physical touch is your love language.

When your partner goes on a business trip and you say, “You didn’t bring me anything?” you are indicating that receiving gifts is your language.

 “We don’t ever spend time together,” indicates the love language of quality time.
  
Failure to meet these needs I have noticed sees most of us flat spinning and lashing out hurt and all sorts of painful things, being a culprit of this myself,  I started thinking about mastering our love languages or should I say better managing ourselves interim's of it, cause let’s face it, whether we like it out not

We all display love a little differently. We need to stop making other people accountable for how we receive love, and while we are teaching others how to love us, we need to learn to better manage our love languages low self-esteem by ourselves.

Some of us just like to shower our loved ones with praise and affirmation. Others convey love through physical touch. Some of us want nothing more than to give gifts to the people we care about, whereas others prefer to run errands for friends and loved ones.

 Some people don’t always display affection overtly but prefer to spend time around the people they love as a means of expressing their investment and that’s just that. it doesn't mean your not loved. it doesn't mean your not cared for so instead of lashing out start teaching and taking accountability.

Where the mastery comes in for me is in how we deal with the ID of our self-esteems low self-esteem, that nagging primitive part in us that’s wants love NOW! And want it OUR-WAY! And WITH IMMEDIATE EFFECT.
It’s time we shut up that sabotage- er- er  and work ourselves from the inside out.

I thought it’s time we had a candid conversations about our love languages and how to conquer them by ourselves and for the sake  of sanity and to move towards healthy relationships.

I have talked a lot about understanding your love language, but I have come to realize that for most people this means,
  • 1   google love languages
  • 2.  do the test and see what they are,
  • 3-   Ask a partner or friend to do the same to see what theirs is and that is that

granted this is what I want us to  do as it’s a vital tool to have in our journey to a mutually beneficial relationships 

 BUT 

what I also meant is understand the negative or ugly sides of your love languages  so that you can better manage the sabotager-er-ers or better manage your demands and expectations
Because let’s face it.

Understanding the good of something is useless without the bad and  it won’t make complete sense.

So here are some of the elements or dark wolves if you will; of love languages as well as how best to deal with them, because if we don’t learn to love ourselves we are not on a path of growth and cannot teach people how to treat us.

Quality time: “We don’t ever spend time together”:

·       This can come across as being overly needy at times, having unrealistic expectations on people’s time and isolating yourself cause nobody gets it, spending time with them in a group is not spending time, the TV becomes competition, the words busy and too tired will cause reigns of terror to come your way, interruptions mean you don’t care and checking your cellophane while with them can lead to all hell breaking lose.

The ADVICE:
·    If you’re a quality time person and your partner does an act of service for you; instead of moaning and bitching about not being spend time with,
·       I urge you to create this time for yourself. Hear me create the Q- time for yourself, take charge of your screaming low love language self-esteem; stop having a pity party and take the initiative to set up the picnic or a dinner date or movie date. Or a walk in the park or one on one session
·      Take charge and make sure that YOU get what you require from friends and lovers. It’s your love language learn to be its maser not its slave.


Receiver of gifts:  “You didn’t bring me anything” :

·        These are the people that will be the first to peak into grocery bags when you drop them on the counter at home to see whats there for them. Thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift.Or keeps a grudge against you when you didn’t bring them something from a trip even after they said “I don’t need anything”
·        A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous
·      They literally determine how well you know them and how much thought you put in based on the gift that you bought.

The ADVICE:
·        If you like to receive love in gift form, I urge you to be realistic in as to  when and how you can receive these gifts, Be open and honest with your lover and friends by telling them that you would appreciate a small trinket from their travels for example there is nothing wrong with being clear in your communication with regards to your needs and no it doesn’t make it unromantic it just equips your partner with the love tools they need to fill your love bank
·     Spoil yourself, your allowed to gift yourself nothing is wrong with that, stop waiting on it from others.
·        It’s your love language learn to be its maser not its slave.

Acts of Service:  “if you loved me, you would do something around here.”:

·    These are the folks that like to do something for their loved one. Cooking a meal, washing dishes,running an errand, first to the scene of the crime when there is drama, willing to drive the long road while you sleep and will still get the car washed when you  reach your holiday destination.
·       Acts of service people are very quick to feel misused and unappreciated because for them love IS work made visible.

The ADVICE:
·       If you’re an acts of service person, I urge you to ask for assistance in your tasks, a lot of times you will find a lot of joy when your friend or partner performs these acts of love with you.
·        Set up a schedule for chores so that you don’t find yourself always working.
·        I know you don’t mind, but your teaching your spouse to not be a partner in what you need.
·      Reward the smallest act of service you receive; because yours is the toughest love language to see as it gets mistaken for duty.
·    Rewarding other acts of service in whatever way, shows your appreciation for it witch thus indicates that your act was not out of duty as a friend or lover or partner but out of love, something that gets miss looked often.
·       Ask for help. Don’t do it all alone.
·       It’s your love language learn to be its maser not its slave.


Physical touch: “I don’t think you would ever touch me if I did not initiate it,”:

·     these are the people that will literally count on their fingers when last you were intimate with them or held there hand in public, because for them  there is a real chemical reaction that happens in the body upon touch, and they NEED it to feel loved.
·     They revel in spas  AND being  given baths because even though touch is not always intimate, it’s welcomed. it’s a hug to say hi, a kiss to say sorry , a pat on the back to say I am here and an overall obsession with physical expression

The ADVICE:
·       If you’re a physical touch person, stop counting the big intimate touches and try and focus on the small ones too. Touch has many forms.
·      Then ask for your touch, can I have a back rub?
·      Do you mind if I just lay by your for a bit?
·      Please massage my feet?
·  It’s important that you kiss me goodbye. Work on removing yourself from your routine environment as this can kill touch.  take the initiative to initiate IT.
·      It’s your love language learn to be its maser not its slave.


Affirmation: It’s Not What You Said. It’s How You Said It!”:

·     These are the people who want to be affirmed or congratulated for putting a cup into a dish washer or for how great a lover they are, or how brilliant and shiny they are,  how well they love you,
·      how unique there laugh is,  how much of the world you mean to them,  how much you need them , how much you want them, and they want to hear this everyday 24\7, for an acts of service person for instance ; who is busy visibly showing love, this can be exhausting.

The ADVICE:
·       Start affirming yourself, because if you can’t tell yourself how great, or amazing and or brilliant a person you are, you will live life filled with needing others to acknowledge you.
·       This can lead you to people pleasing or having a negative self-esteem due to the fact that your internal communication does not match what you require from the outside world.

·       You are brilliant, beautiful, and special and a bright star and you don’t need others to constantly have to tell you.

So with that said,

 “It doesn’t interest me what your love language is, I want to know how deeply you can delve into it and conquer the demons within it. The demons that keep you from loves true kiss. I want to know how true you can be to your growth and self-mastery,
I want to know how willing you are to be your own hero, to be patient in your teachings instead of waiting for someone else to fill those voids. - StilettoRambler

Your thoughts

StilletoRambler

Wednesday, 30 November 2016

The Recovering Doormat

"Don’t allow your wounds to turn you into a person you are not"

Its seems that more often than none beneath every strong women or man lies a broken little girl or boy whom either has learnt to stand up again and accept their past, moved on and have decided never to depend on anyone again OR

Hasn’t stood up yet and is waiting to be found or rescued OR
Constantly chooses the role of the victim – the poor sap of a person who is nothing except a product of their circumstances their pain and their broken pieces better known as the victim mentality.

That person in your life that’s lives with the “poor-me attitude”.
Those friends or family member’s including ourselves who are allergic to taking responsibility for  our actions.

The believe that the world is always against you and life is just SIMPLY unfair
Those who are life’s constant underdogs, unfortunates, doomed beings, that constantly demand rescuing.

What psychologists refers to as “people that are afraid of taking responsibility for their own wants and desires and  have a fear of failure and unconsciously believe they are not deserving of having good things in their life”.

The soul grating self.

The person who gets to take no accountability for their life, ALWAYS gets the sympathy of others whether earned or demanded and gets to burn bridges and spit fire to whomever comes in their way.

In the dictionary defined as an acquired (learned) personality trait in which a person tends to regard themselves as a victim of the negative actions of others, and behaves as if this were the case even in the lack of clear evidence of such circumstances.

The master manipulators that suck sympathy out of you and get to pass the buck on accountability and drain and drain and drain.

Today I would like to tackle these draining personalities or self-traits if you will, the soul scratching comfort zone also known as the victim mentality.

Nothing grates my soul and irritates me more than people who constantly blame life and circumstances for who they are today and why they are the way that they are.

I say this as a recovering doormat, a conqueror of the victim personally, I say this after having met people who have overcome the most devastating hurdles life can throw at them and are now pioneers of their futures and not prisoners of their past.

I would like to reach out to those today, who love to life in their misery, who have drinks with their pain and enjoy constant pity parties but mostly I would like to share with them some thoughts on how to sit with the broken, give a finger to the pain and cancel the plethora of pity parties.

I always say this to people I meet, bad things can happened to good people but great people take that experience take the lessons and build their world to greatness so

Firstly    -get over yourself- I mean this in the most loving way,  stop being so selfish we are all broken in one way or another.

Aren’t you tired of rewriting the same script? Isn’t it enough now already? seriously can we either accept the past, or leave the situation or change the situation BECAUSE anything else is sheer madness.

And I am not talking about once, I am talking about every single time your demons of pain and anger ,resentment or spite creep up, I urge you to you  SAY OUT LOAD TO YOURSELF - the devil is a liar, then break the pattern and change your behaviour  and attitude to towards the circumstance or thought.

Secondly when pain knocks on your door I want you to say,
 “Come in, sit with me, and leave only when you have taught me what I need to know”
 But please now that just because you are welcome in my home, that it doesn’t mean that you are to cripple me, because I am healing, I am a recovering doormat and you are here to teach! and if you don’t come with real growth lessons, please leave! My happiness and emotional health is who I chose and you are no longer welcome”

I for one am a firm believer that I must (as in I am obligated ) to let the pain visit me, I must let the pain teach me, I must understand that my circumstances have nothing to do with what my future will look like. But I cannot allow the pain or brokenness to overstay its visit or cripple me, because it will and if I don’t stay vigilant of it as in call it out when i see the lies my heads feeling me , I will find myself turning the lady at the hair salon into my therapist, I will push away love, I will not trust and I will find myself alone, angry unfortunate and doomed

As friends or family of soul – graters, recovering doormats or weather you are dealing with or confronting our own negativity its time to  to stop validating the victim mentality. It’s time to stop partaking in any any form of self- defeating drama from this point on.

Instead we need to remind our recovering doormats that they need to embrace their ability to recover and achieve. And we need to remind ourselves before we pour another shot for “poor ol me”  that we to  need to stop validating our victim mentality we need to not partake in all this self- defeating drama and embrace our ability to recover and achieve...recover and achieve..recover and achieve.

Because do we want to be a prisoner of  your past or do you want to be a pioneer of YOUR future?


Your thoughts 
StilettoRambler

Friday, 28 October 2016

STOP bullying your Self RESPECT!


Self-Respect - A proper respect for oneself as a human being - it is defined as holding yourself in esteem and believing that you are good and worthy of being treated well.

Bullying - Abuse –nuff said.

A person with self-respect simply likes her- or himself. self-respect is not contingent on success because failure is a part of life. Neither is it a result of comparing ourselves with others because we are and can never  be the same.

for me, it means being true to yourself, being able to accept criticism but not allowing it to alter your inner being. it is not reliant on successes, social standing or wealth, its an inner confidence and assurance in yourself, its accepting your mistakes, it is about being true to yourself at all costs and most importantly, its about standing up for that truth.

My truth is that I matter and therefore I deserve only the best, anything that tries to break that truth has gots to go.
My truth is that I am lovable and I deserve love  - unrequited, unconditional love and any person or element that tries to challenge that truth has gots to go.
My truth is that I am worthy of living my best life and any person or element that thinks I dont, has gots to go.
My truth is that I believe in myself and my decisions and if you have a problem with that you have ..guessed it - GOTS TO GO.

What I have come to learn is that the only way that I can preserve the jewel that is my self- respect is by tackling all alien elements that try to attack it and the first place for me to usually start is inside.

So, this post is aimed at people who are constantly bullying their self respect into emotional disdain, pain, incivility and ungraciousness;

people that  continue to have friendships with emotionally unavailable friends and then go on to bully their self-respect in order to get back into a relationship with them.

It’s for the gentlemen out there whom have been used time and time again because they are good peoples, and have managed to bully their self-respect into still sticking around with the hope that she will see him for the king that he is or because they think that after they pull off  enough acts of service they will get the respect that they deserve.

It’s for the women out there who think that they can’t get better and would rather rekindle lost love with an old flame or better yet stay put in the hell hole that they are currently in because they can’t stand up to their inner bully.

It’s for the person who got a great job offer at another company, got a weak A$$ counter offer from their current employer and bullied themselves into staying with the abusive boss because they like the coffee – (okay lets be fair that’s ridiculous, but what’s not ridiculous is some of the nonsensical things people put themselves through cause they are constantly bullying their self-respect.

And lastly it’s for the person who is very quick to compliment you on your attitude, outlook on life and or looks and THEN in the same breath spits on themselves in front of you!!!!

You know them; 

  • “I love those jeans on you…but I could never wear them with my thighs”
  •  “Your hair is great like that, mine is to xyz to ever do that”
  • “You know I care a lot about you, I just don’t want a relationship right now”
  • “I know they aren’t the world’s best spouse, but it’s better than the crap that’s out there, have you seen how people struggle to date lately”


 I think it’s time we stop bullying our self-respect. So if you are reading this and you’re a self-respect bully – Just stop it– it’s not a good look.


It totally irks me, when I come across beautiful healthy brimming functioning souls, and I listen to some of the things that they say about themselves or the way that they rationalize nonsense to themselves.
It’s downright nasty and honestly I consider it - verbal  and emotional assault on the self. 

I don’t know how often I have encouraged people that they need to get over themselves, ( and by that I mean that they think they are above doing the work that they need to do on the self)  or to stop the pity partying, or to stop constantly being negative and just get on with living their best lives.

I often ask people who are putting themselves through nonsense.
" have you met yourself?" 
cause if you did  trust me when i say "you wouldn't allow any of the crap you are putting yourself through"

Its a fact; that when you talk to yourself differently, your brain starts to create new thought patterns, it actually replaces the negative ones with more positive thoughts. so break those cycles and free yourself of this self created prison.

I promise you, that things will get better, but you actually need to invest in that better. 
You can do anything that you want to; but positive action is required.

And if none has ever told you this, or your friends are too busy enjoying your misery because it makes for great coffee dates then here it is:
  •  Emotionally unavailable friends that pull ultimatums on you and still want a friendship with your self-respect don’t deserve it BECAUSE YOU MATTER.
  •   If they cannot commit to you – they are JUST not that into you let that go already - YOU DESERVE BETTER
  •  Rather the devil you know then the one you don’t, is a vapid senseless saying and I urge you to step out  of your comfort zone and start moving towards emotional health - “You think because he doesn't love you that you are worthless. YOU ARE NOT
  • You think that because he doesn't want you anymore that he is right -- that his judgement and opinions of you are correct. They aren’t.. so let him go.

And lastly the next time you come across someone who compliments you and speaks negatively of themselves, kindly let them know that you can’t take their compliment if they speak ill of themselves. 

If you have been on the journey to better yourself you should be very proud of yourself. I know I am.
If you catch your inner bully trying to surface because they tend to,  put them to bed.

If its the first time your reading this blog and you have noticed that you have been bullying your self respect than start the journey to emotional well-being today,  because you deserve your best life, you can be the best version of yourself and you matter. 

StillettoRambler