Eyes Wide Shut Dating- How did he\she end up with "that" ...beauty and the geek.

This post is inspired by Remi Dammert-  A friend who once apon a time..handed me a book titled "the Invitation" by Oriah Mountain Dreamer"

"did you guys here the news? xyz just bagged herself a doctor, they are getting married next

year, lucky girl"

"Dude, you guys should meet xyz's girlfriend, she is a model, he needs to tie her down quickly honey is fiiionnnne"

"OMG guys how in this world, did he end up with her?, she is so pretty"

" what a waste that hunk is on her arm? he couldve done so much better"

 Have you ever heard similar conversation between, people or have engaged in one yourself where the jist of the conversation, goes little something like  the statements above or the ones below:

‘I can’t believe they broke up,  or ended their relationship, he is such a good man, good looking,  his tall, dark ,handsome, has a great job,  is successful, driven, is well respected, owns his own house,  and could’ve given her the life she wanted, A man like that is rare, and if I were her, I would’ve stuck it out”

                                                                              OR

Love? …Why are you still in this relationship, well, his a good man, he is stable, provides for the house, has a great job, is going to be very successful one day, has good points like- caring, timely, driven , neat, can cook and will provide me the life that I want”

                                                                            OR

Guys I just met the hottest, most cutest women, with an ass for days and a smile like sunshine, I think I am inlove…

If you haven’t, then I may be moving  around in the wrong universe….moving on, 

Todays post, is for the people, who choose their relationship partners with their EYES WIDE SHUT.

Those of us, who float on this very, primitive ,uninstinctive check list of adjectives …… the post is really to explore the question of  why  a man\women’s , height, complection , car, house , bank account, job title and looks , makes them of value??????….or even qualifies them as a good catch?????…

What in the hell, happened to well mannered, loyal, loving, accountable,responsible, honest and  integrity  driven indivdulas, in all our “type lists?  

Where was I when good old fashioned values got replaced by a bunch of adjectives like tall, dark and handsome? Or ,tall, sexy, caramel and successful?

No seriously..... why are we staring at the wood instead of the tree? Why in the world are those silly adjectives more important then the entire package?…why do we not date blind?

I always wonder  if we have lost all integrity when it comes to dating..what will happen to us out there who date with our eyes wide shut….....lets say hypothetically speaking 

 A fire burns your  adjective –based partners house down one day with him inside and paralyses him witch in turn makes him lose his job.....

whats then left  to salvage of them?

if all that was used to bed them and start a conversation with , was a  bunch adjectives

Mmmmm think about it…i will tell you what happens

now your butt, is  stuck with   a "poor", reduced self esteemed, unsuccessful , not so gorgeous man,\women who has lost everything and is now your problem to deal with….

Unknowingly to your ignorant self , you assumed MR,  and Mrs tall dark, driven, fabulous and successful at least had values left….but they don’t...and at the time, it didnt seem important anyway.. the fame and fabuloisty was to blinding at the time, values didnt mean much..

Suddnely you find yourself, workin two jobs, to keep your lifestyle afloat, begging the bank to not repo your house, and informing your kids that they need to move to a cheaper schoool....

crying in the bathroom one day...the question grabs you by the throat" how did I land up here ? with this person, in this terrible situation,? ..... this nagging, self - centred ungrateful, rude, mean , emotionally unavailible person? Who has no respect for me or my dreams what so ever… ?

how??!?!

well simply put, you made your judgement on superficial adjectives...

I am going to say this once only, your partners job, house and  or car as well as potential to be a success one day, shouldn't even make the list,

Those are things you can provide for you own hardworking butt, in matters of the heart, A stable value based foundation is the only thing that should ultimately count;  its the integirty of the core , that we should focus on.

as the poem "the invitation" beautifully puts it:

• I don't care what you do for a living ...i want to know what you ache for, what your dreams are and what you will risk to get them
• it doesn't interest me how successful your businesses are and if the value of the stocks you own  are true- i want to know if you could disappoint another to be true to yourself.
• It  doesn't interest me to know where you live, the size of your home or how much money you have.I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.
• It doesn't interest me, where or what or with whom, you have studied.I want to know what sustains you,from the inside,when all else falls away
•  I want to know if you can be alone ,with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep
  in the empty moments.

All in all, i implore you  ....don’t get stuck on the looks, the money, the jobs, the cars or the trust funds that your potential partner comes with, but take a deeper look ...  look at the core..all that giltters after all isnt gold..and the roughest stones can sometimes house the finest diamonds.

At the end of the day, looks fade, boobs sag, libidos die down,  money finishes, jobs get retired from- but your relationSHIP still has to sale,

My advice to you, in order to not have a SHIP that DOESN’T run on fumes of “what was”… OR how successful you were, or great you looked in the days …

lose the eyes wide shut “type lists”  approach and  start dating blind.

Your thoughts?

The  "hater stare down" -Own your lime-light...Green is not a good colour on you.

Dear ladies, divas and sisters out theer,  this post is for you ,  especially if you partake in  the phenomena called the " hater stare down."

This particular rant, its aimed at  that special  " stare -down"

 you know..... the look you give when another women walks into a bar or club and the rest of the females in the room give her the up and down...with the slight snarl

Followed by the  "OMG who does she think she is?" yes  ....now- you get me, the "hater stare down"


Well i thought today is the day  tackle and answer  the question for you  and tell you who she is and why you need to stop that nonsense and embrace your fellow sistas..---

she my dearest  is you, she is me. she is your sister, cousin , mother  she is the soil, she is the carrier of life, the provider for her family, and her friends, she is the hardworking you ,  the independent you,  the strong you .. authentic you , the  loving and caring you ...and by not embracing her ..you are not embracing you.

 get a real with yourself and realize that see may not be your buddu or friend but she is your sista!

SO, instead of giving sistas and divas you see walk into a room ,whom you perceive to be a threat the "Hater stare down..."

 Start acting like you know that she is an extension of you ( the human race) and replace that thought firstly .

1. with a smile, and then,
2.  secondly with THIS line "

Now there goes a great extension of my gorgeous self"- gotta love sister hood.

The UGLY truth  HERE is that NO one can take AWAY your shine or lime-light or spot light..why..cause  you were born with it!,

 SO STOP ACTING LIKE SOMEONE IS TRYING TO STEAL YOUR FOOD, ITS SAD AND PATHETIC.

it is yours, their is no need, to break down, or compete with another sista for something that is inside you.

Now get a clue and start blinding the world out there with your innate brilliance

If you  had the common sense to take a good look in the mirror you would soon realize that no one can take your lime-light from you...

The way i see it, there are no ugly or unattractive women in this world.

 There are only different variations of gorgeous walking around and its time you realize that!

  SO pls cut the BS and start supporting each other.

No shoe, dress or hairstyle will make the light that shines in you glow brighter or dim down, neither will another sista or Diva ,  and this is something you all must quickly realize...and with haste.

i am tired of the lack  of support that females give each other, goodness gracious, wake up and relalize that you are women! and that already makes you a gift-FULL STOP

 you are life, love and laughter, you are what men desire and almost every love song in the world is dedicated to.. So instead of breaking down, i urge you to build up, instead of trying to look or dress like someone else, own your OWN

Green is a great colour , but layering it with the "hater stare down" ruins yourentire outfit.

Your thoughts?

Life Lessons cont : The Graduate Program of life called- Loss

“if you dance at a lot of weddings , you will cry at a lot of funerals"

“We eventually lose everything that we have , yet  what ultimately  matters can never be lost,  Our houses, cars, jobs and even our loved ones are just on loan to us.  Like everything else our loved ones are not ours to keep, but realizing this truth should not sadden us,  to the contrarty, it should give us greater appreciation for the many wonderful  things and experiences we have during our time here and who we have it with”- Elizabeth Kebler-Ross”

Everything in life is temporary, everything ….and just like change loss is the only other constant, as we get older and live this experience we are in a constant journey of loss.

We lose friends when we move away, we lose childhood dreams,  we lose shoes, we lose clothes ,we lose innocence , we lose time , phone numbers, memories, we lose  our first loves, etc the reality is that we are not here permanently  and neither is our ownership of anything.

I  have experienced loses in my journey thus far both of the permanent and relational kind, and what I have come to learn is that loss is life and life is loss.

My focus of this post is relational loss, more commonly known as break ups… for all of you out there that are currently healing, or going through this process of loss, this post is to urge you to not fight the lessons that you are being taught -the lesson of healing and forgiveness, and to let your loved one go with well wishes and a caring smile.

This post is about urging you sit in the pain, sit in the pleasure, sit in the denial and sit in the bargaining, and off course the  anger,

Do not try and change any feeling you may have, and mostly give yourself a break, cause with loss comes the experience to cope with life,

·         Don’t ask why this is happening to you- Instead say I look forward to the lesson this holds.

·         Don’t try and get them to justify why they no longer want to be with you- instead thank them for the time spent and the journey travelled.

·         Don’t for a moment think that you are the problem , or that you are a failure-instead smile at the fact that you gave your best.

Know for a fact that time heals all , but time is wasted if you don’t do the work, you are only delaying your own lesson and happiness if you dont allow yourself time to sit in the denial, anger, resentment, or barraging of the process–if you gave a loved one years of your love , time and life, you are allowed to give yourself time to smile, cry and dance.

you are allowed to act a fool, you are allowed to not care, you are allowed to swear.

Perhaps one of lifes hardest lessons to learn, but possibly one of lifes most enrchinng lessons out there.

I am not urging you master loss, thats impossible we all deal differently with lose, and our healing cycle has it own time frame.

 i am asking to gracefully bow out of a relationship that no longer serves you, your growth, or the person you want to become, take the lesson from it, be grateful for the experience, look forward to never looking back.

And get excited about the doors that may soon be opening to you.

Your thoughts?

Shape Shifter Girlfriends…”We have so much in common”- Give me a break.

This post is for the lady who has so much in common with her man, that she now allows him to get away with dissatisfactory behaviour and a lack of respect for her and her values, but the truth is that this so much in common is in the pursuit of being the perfect girlfriend.

I am very well aware of the silent need of every lady out there to be “little Miss Perfect girlfriend or wife”

How so , well I was there, and I do see it often, but before I begin I am going to state the following:

There is a difference in supporting your man’s hobbies and likes verses fully making them your own- shape shifting to become the female version of your man- doesn’t serve you any good, it devalues you.

Let’s use my experience as an example,  and lets use racing for the sake of the lesson and aim of this post, for years in a relationship  I had centuries ago, the interests I adopted were really not mine.

 I use to be  “that” girl, the one who could play, playstation games all night with the boys, cook them their favourite meal and then dawn my racing shirt the next day at the big racing event, cheering on the racers  and knowing the racers names, profiles etc.

But if someone had to find me at a play, art gallery or a paint festival, they would be gob smacked and I would get the :

Person:“ Wow I never  have thought you, as someone that is interested in arts”

Me: “what I love the arts my favouriite work is done by so and so, I always scroll the xyz pages to see shows coming up and I own my own paint set”

Person: “Wow it’s just that you have so much in common with your man, that I wouldn’t think this of you at all, I mean just last week I saw you at the races,  where is he by the way?”

Me: Oh well you know the “arts” aren’t really his thing, so I am flying solo”

With that said I will reiterate the following, it’s great when you truly have SOOOO much in common with your man, but if you are just shape shifting to be the perfect girlfriend,  then becoming the female version of your man- doesn’t serve you any good, it devalues you, makes you put your own interest second and stunt syour growth.

Him making his hobbies and likes  number one and you make them number one, only means YOU  both certainly don’t even share a common interest of YOU.

Convincing yourself that you have a lot in common and not perusing what gives you inner peace, what helps you grow , is simply your sexy butt shape- shifting, and shape shifting for all the wrong reasons.

Yes the ships we enter into involve supporting each other’s hobbies and interest but not by any means if it means that our own value and needs  and interests get sidelined.

No real relationship between two people is going to fail cause one likes gossip girl and the other enjoys fishing, at the same time please don’t expect each other to have the same passion you have for your knitting, and he has for his stamp collecting.

These individual needs , and break away sessions is what causes the health of a relationship to stay intact.

Relationships are the sum of two individuals and whilst it is handy to have things in common, it is ok to maintain some individuality too.

Your thoughts?

Life lesson Series cont- The Lesson of Power.

“Our real power is not derived from our positions in life, careers or a hefty bank account, instead it is the expression of that authenticity inside of us, or strength , grace and integrity”- Elizabeth Kebler Ross

I have been facing a lot of situations lately targeted at my personal power and strength, to my surprise these various situations were actually slowing taking a toll on me and my lifestyle as well as my self worth..

I was sitting on my couch watching the nature channel, when the presenter mentioned how amazed he was at the power of a seed, turning itself into a flower, regardless of its surrounding or natures elements..exerting herself on it… And just like a flash of lightening it hit me..

 My power is don’t determined by exterior or material artifacts, my power is within…

I was born with my power it is innate.

Needless to say it got my chest all puffed out again and my head starting inflating.  Phew..

So….As I sat there chanting it over and over- “my power is within me” repeat, it dawned on me that as we run the hamster wheel, this notion is tooo damn easy to forget…

I soon realized that titles and labels can easily influence others behaviours and in the same vein their behaviours can impact our personal power.

Think about it,

A man goes from A boyfriend to A husband, his thunder the impression that he now has more power, same off course for women,

They suddenly see it fit, to demand more change from their partners, to start nit picking at behaviours partners had before htey met them, for their habits to change … they start using this “perceived power “ to instill change"  , Knit pick  ,hurt, or breakdown their loved ones…

Needless to say, that we all have innate personal power, and how we use this power is of utmost importance,

StielttoRamblers out their  I cannot reiterate it enough when I say ,

that it is not your right to use any power you may have over someone – whether it be the power of love, friendship , sex or money to control, hurt or knitpick at anyone

You are not their parents, you are not their teachers, and you have chosen to walk a path with them within a mutually respect being the crux of that partnership

Please get over yourselves, power is not yours to control,  power is not to be used to anyone.

Your power is innate, and if you want to use it, then use it to empower.

Your thoughts?