FAKE LOYALTY PARADING AS FRIENDSHIP

 

 

 

Loyals: these are the people you can trust to have your back all the time, you can close both eyes while sleeping and they have got you covered. People that you may not always agree with on everything but choose the cause and you over all else.

Reasons: When someone is in your life for a reason it is usually to meet a need you   have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty; to provide you with guidance and support; to aid you physically, or emotionally.  They are there for the reason you need them and will be gone once the reason is fulfilled.

Seasons:  are people who come into your life  because your turn has come to share something life changing with them,  to help them and you grow or  to  teach you , to stand up for yourself ,  to love, forgiveness,  anger, fun, patience  etc. once these are mastered the season usually ends cause you are no longer needed. Lesson conquered.

Lifetimes:  these are relationships that teach you lifetime lessons; things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation the deeper things, the harder ones. you fight alot with Lifetimes, your fights are depper, hurt more but you grow. Your job is to accept the lessons and love the person.

Now thats that’s out the way,  lets ramble..

 I have come to notice over time and with the “reason” and “seasons” and “lifetimes” of life lessons (people) in my life,  that a lot of the times, people in your life can mirror a mirage in the dessert, and that it’s tough to know right away because as you are walking towards it, it looks  clean, and refreshig and comforting even promising, only to actually come to it and find nothing but the illusion of hope or in this case friendship.

We must be careful who we devote ourselves to , BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE CRAZY AND MEAN AND SELF CENTRTED AND CAN BE POISONIOUS AND failing to differentiate between the (fleeting) and the (misusing ) can be very hurtful and cause a lot of pain, some of the big things that I have learnt over the years and with regards to friendships that I have lost and gained is what I want to share in this post today.

Because nothing PISSES ME OFF MORE! Than reasons coming and causing shi*t for lifetimes that have supported through the divorces and the birthdays and the babies, and the job changes and the new loves,

BECAUSE due to your friends lack of awareness, in terms of whats walking into her life, or due to your own,  bridges get burnt and words get exchanged, people get treated silently and then you lose your lifetimes to instant gratification reasons or drama causing seasons!

urgh!

ANYWAY.

·        I found that a lot of time “instant gratification” of affection and love over shadows those friendship relationships that have been their throughout the thick and thin, you will very often see a “ Reason” friend getting glorified and praised over AND above the lifetime friend. Because the reason is now, and the reason is pressing and at the moment due to tunnel vision the REASON is all that matters, even more annoying the lifetimes gets treated as the Fake friend and the reason becomes the “Real” ones.

 

And before you know it as a lifetime you’re watching this fake loyalty being played out in front you off you,

 

actually masquerading itself as friendship ...URGH!

·        I have also found that the Loyals,  the ones that would constantly betray themselves repeatedly in the name of loyalty love and friendship, can get quite emotionally abused, because of the seasons , you know ……the Bitches that are so busy keeping your lifetime pre occupied with their little dramas.

 

 That you land up barely seeing your lifetime because they are trapped in little miss seasons own

episodes of Eat Pray Love.

·        What I have seen too often  AS WELL  and what can cause a lot of fights is when your lifetime, suddenly wants you to take her Reason seriously and become buddies, like “she aint my Reason”,  ENJOY YOUR TOY AINT NO BODY GOT TIME FOR FALSITIES.

 

can we not try and force friendships on each other... seriously from one lifetime to another, take your time

with your season and your reason, I will be chilling with the loyals until you have gone through what it is

you need to and when your over it,  and they have come and gone, come over for wine and popcorn

cause you know.... lifetimes..

I for one find this phenomanan highly annoying, so I ask that one always practices awareness, understand the people that entre in your life, see why they are there and it will become much easier for you to deal with them and a lot less painful when they leave.

By all means be the ship  that has to travel through the seas of time, to find itself, respect your journey, find that inner peace but for the sake of shits and sanity Don’t be the ship that going through rough seas and lands up losing her there anchors.

At all times just as in love , practice mindfulness in your friendship relationships, and if you’re a lifetime out there who is going through some troubles and may now need a reason , or is busy being there for a season make sure that you stay kind to your loyals and your lifetimes, because as the saying goes

“Love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant”

Your thoughts

Stiletto Rambler

NEVER Argue with someone who believes their own Bulshift(lies).

 

 

 

Arguing with someone; who believes their own lies, will leave you drained, will break down at your own self-worth and will send you down a delusional hole of feeling worthless, hurt, mistreated and betrayed.

A person cannot give you what they don’t have.

If they care more about something else, such as their own needs, winning, popularity , manipulation or control, these things will always take precedence over the truth, over love and over the effort you have put into your relationships.

Lies come from pain, pain comes from actions and wounds are what remain.

 

Wounds can be crippling and very often we  find ourselves at the peril of someone elses.

The trick is to have the insight and to recognize that it is not so much the person that you are arguing with but their wounds.

Once you understand the wound, you can better deal with the person, while keeping your self worth and respect intact.

I recently suffered a major back injury which had me on bed rest for almost three weeks.

 I had never noticed just how much wounds need to be nurtured or just how much care we put into feeling better when the pain is physical verses emotional. ( from physio, to relaxation; to being kind to myself to practicing patience.)

The injury itself was deeply painful and challenging and it made me turn into an unhappy depressed extra snappy bitch in a bed.

I had to reach out past my pride and invite a friend over for drinks one night, in a plight for sanity. Because this wound was turning me into a person that I was not.

A rude, mean, bitchy bear with a thorn in my foot.

Better yet it was starting to tell me lies, chipping at my sense of self and slowly taking its toll mentally and emotionally.

The craziest part of it all or the worst part of it all for me, is that I knew that I knew better.

 I knew despite the pain that I am a kind person, that I am caring and confident but my pain and anger was such a blinding force and it became easier to sit and have tea with the unhappy depressed extra snappy bitch in a bed while allowing her to feed me BS (i.e My lack of mobility meant I couldn’t see people anymore, nobody visited , which suddenly meant that nobody cared for me (the reality.. people are busy)

Three weeks later and I was nothing more than a slave to my pain, angry, sour and DELUSIONAL.

Time has gone by and we are better,  it was a slow process even the snapping turtle (me) in the mirror had started to notice the sun; that has been shining through her windows all along.

I know find myself having done the work and smiling again, but it did also open my eyes to wounds and pain and lies.

 Yes be it that mine was physical, it did not take away from the POWER that wounds and pain can have over us

I realized that wounds whether self-inflicted, imaginary or not, are tricky bastards; because wounds and pain lie to us and in our attempts to self soothe and manage we believe the lies our minds tell us and we tangle ourselves further in life limiting strings.

It also got me thinking about how wounds in the physical can help one better understand and heal emotional wounds.

Hear me out (and no i am not smoking anything)

 

“what If we treated people as a wound”

Treat your angry lover or difficult friend like a big old slipped disc; that needs patience and nurturing and love? Imagine if we did…..

Would it then not be easier for us to cater to and understand them?

If we treated a broken heart as if it was sprained ankle, how quickly would we not  give it time to heal? , be understanding,  not over exert it, allow it to take slow steps to walking again?

If Anger where a cut on your arm …

If Unhappiness was a headache ….

 If Trust was a broken toe ….

If friendship was an injured back…

 

crazy i know, but think about it.

All and all, you should not argue with someone that lies to themselves and tries to blame you for their pain, loneliness, anger and resent STEP OUT OF THAT LINE OF FIRE.

STANDING FOR THAT KIND OF EMOTIONAL ABUSE DOES NOT MAKE YOU LOYAL, A GOOD PERSON OR CARING. ITS MAKES YOU STUPID.

Instead you should rather treat them with the truths that you see within them, don’t let them mirror their wounds onto you, gift them with the grace, patience, and understanding that you would a painful wound.

 Allow them to walk slower, take more time to trust, share at their own pace, rest if they need, leave if they must, scream, vent , cry, but don’t get in a back and forth with them about the lies that they have told themselves and may be projecting onto you.

dont coddle their wounds. dont be misused by them either, Instead be the annoying light of truth that they need to heal.

See the wound, understand that it is the wound that is fighting you.

I think that armed with this knowledge and awareness  one could have so much more power in life and in love.

You will not only know your own bulshift and how to keep yourself motivated happy and at peace, but you will also be careful for when you find yourselves engaging with somebody who lacks the awareness of their OWN wounds.

Your thoughts

StilettoRambler

 

 

 

 

The Fake Circle of Trust and A step towards self-awareness.

 

 

 It happens quite quickly.....

Life is busy and we meet people and circumstances like kids, and boyfriends or engagements and friends of friends or work puts us into situations where we form relationships with strangers whom slowly progress and become friendships.

Before you know it, you see and share more with your new stranger friendships, you focus on the things you have in common; these become the ties that bind you, and then before you know it there you are in a circle of trust, or so you think because this is the perception being orchestrated.

Time goes by and in your delusion you assume that you have established a great big bond and own yourself a great bunch of friends.

Shift then slowly starts creeping through the woodworks and you land up having to ask yourself questions like....

Are you giving away trust toooo easily? And then land up selling yourself short?

Seriously?

Have you ever been in a situation where you realized that you were TOTALLY delusional about your “Friendship circle of trust” or the other circles that you were floating around in?

Where you were under the impression that because you had welcomed people into yours; that you where automatically a part of theirs?

And then you find yourself hypothetically sitting on a payment sounding as pathetic as that hello song of Adele’s once the truth has set you free?
I have, and it was a great lesson in self-awareness, one that I would like to share with you.

Because, let’s face it, it’s a tough blow to realize that the circle was all a lie or that maybe you where to scared to see the truth of it all.

Over the past few months I have had to take a step back and work out my “Circle of Trust” and the circles within them, in order to help myself to get  an “at glance “view of my own little world (a more truer view if you will.)

The lesson that I have learnt is that, just because someone is in your life alot, and you share many things with them both fun and intimate and motivational caring and all that jazz, it doesn’t mean that they should be in the circle, or that you are in theirs. (Obvious when you think about it I know) but not so clear cut in living colour.

so.

If you have ever been future faked into a “friendship circle of trust” I would recommend looking at your friendship circle of trust, seeing who is in there? and most importantly why they are in there.. … it is a great exercise in building self-awareness because changing the interpretations in your mind allows you to change your emotions.

Changing your emotions, allows you to gain back your power , understand your self worth and makes it easier to let go of the people that no longer need to be in your life or want to be in your life.

Because once we understand our worth and are self aware we need not allow ourselves to sit on payments listening to Adele’s hello on repeat.

If you have been a victim of a future faked circle of trust, don’t be too hard on yourself.

Understand that you may have looked at things through rose coloured glasses, forgive them, forgive yourself and be more protective of your trust and your heart.

But most importantly keep striving to be a genuine authentic person open to mutually fulfilling friendships.

Your thoughts?
StilettoRambler

 30 and Fake Friends

“At first I thought I was losing friends, and then I realized I was being shown who the real ones are”

“Oh you’re talking to me? I thought you only spoke behind my back”

The term friendship for me has a very heavy weight behind it, but I have come to realize that in this new day and age it has become quite a cheap and lose term in words, but oddly enough not in expectation.

The mutual relationship between friends has become quite cheap, evident in an age when you’ve got people who have hundreds of friends on Facebook and barely two friends to rub together in real life come crises, a much needed chat or a shoulder to lean on.

We refer to people who we don’t know very well as “friends” but then have expectations of these people as if we have known them for years.

We call our meaningful overnight relationships “A friend”

We mistake being “friends” on Facebook as being the same as in real life.

In my warped world it takes effort, time and experience for friendship to grow, people who like your updates aren’t all friends they might just be supporters.

 People that abuse you; attack your character, attack you in public and don’t stand up for you when you are not around are not your friends.

People who stab you in the back aren’t friends either. But that should go without saying

This ramble today is not about the obvious things that warrant fake friends, like gossip, back stabbing etc.

This ramble is about the “wolves on Friendship Street”, the ones in sheep skin; whom for all intensive purposes, look, smell act and have convinced you that they are a friend but indeed are not.

A friend; you know - a person that has your best interest at heart and is a willing partner in a mutually fulfilling relationship. A friend a person, who checks up on you, calls you on your BS, makes time for you outside of their convenience, doesn’t  take it personally when your too busy ,and schedules a next time, A friends you aches at your loses and celebrates your victories regardless of time, space or distance, invites you to celebrate in there victories, baby showers, birthdays , promotions, weddings etc.

What seems to be failing me is that people don’t seem to realize friendship like love needs action, trust, time and is work made visible.

 This post is about calling out those that are coasting under the umbrella of “ friendship”

I am not too sure about the complexities of male relationships but female relationships are very complex and if you find yourself in your thirties or headed to your thirties and there are still some dodgy situation- ships you call a “friendship” then it’s time for you to get honest and audit your “friendships”

which; brings me to being thirty and having fake friends...

In the quest for a genuine authentic life that is filled with love and light and before you reach the tender age of thirty or if you are past thirty but are still the owner of some ratchet “friends” it’s time to clean out the closet and throw away the junk because you deserve better.

For crying out load it’s hard enough just dealing with intimate relationships in life should we really still cater to people whom are drilling holes in our boats?

I have for a very long time been a firm believer that although our romantic partners are of utmost importance to us and on a whole other relational sphere, that unfortunately (and I get in trouble for this a lot) your friendships are more permanent than your intimate relationships, purely for the fact that a relationship is fickle at best and can end in a break up faster than a friendship can , never mind that very often we carry our friendships onto the next relationship.

So how do I take the blinders off and identify people that don’t deserve to be in my circle of trust?

Herewith a few Exit signs to use as guidelines:

1.The stench of resentment :

 “It takes a special kind of person to be a hater, but only a true loser will give the impression of being your friend while resenting every progress/success in your life.”

Trust your gut the moment that you get the slightest indication that your successes are a thorn in your “friends” side – leave, book out!

“If they cannot truly celebrate in your joys then they are not your Friends “pay attention eventually they will shoot the following line at you or the look implying the line – “oh so you think cause your educated, promoted, married, etc. your better than us\me” that’s your Exit sign

2.Liars.

 Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.  Fool me three times – why are you still on the list of people whose calls I return? –Exit sign

3.Chameleon tendencies:   

 This one is a little tougher and more heart-breaking, but it’s important for you to identify what role you are fulfilling in someone’s life  (comfort, distraction, fun, financial, )and you will then realize if your friendship is fake or not.

 For instance if you are the party friend, as in always invited to a crazy night out, but you don’t get invited for a normal easy Saturday – Fake

 When they are attached to your hip during a break up but ditch you when the rebound or new love has arrived - Fake

When they make up excuses for not being able to see you but “land up” going to another party that same night - Fake (there is no instance where in the event things have changed they cannot update you and invite you along, or at least extend the invite.)

When they want to share in your pain, but wont allow you to share in theirs - Fake

When they compete with you - Fake

When your the victim of Jeoulsy - Fake

When your friendship only suits their chameleon tendencies drop that shift like a hot potato cause if your rearing to thirty or your past thirty and these energy drainers still share your inner circle of trust you are only abusing yourself and aint nobody got time for that.

Know who your friends, Know who your supporters are, know who has your back, Know who has your respect, know who is worth your time, know whos fun friend you are, know who is an aquaintence , be aware of the levels and tiers  and understand that all of them are different and not all are necessarily friends then adjust your expectations accordingly.

Don’t be  hurt, or get caught in the web of 30andfakefriends because you deserve better.

Your thoughts?

Stilettorambler

BEWARE OF THE SURROGATE BOYFRIEND SYNDORME  -The aftermaths of  a break up that we don’t notice.

 

 

Too often, I see women devastated by their dating experiences. Despite their best efforts, men never treat them the way they deserve to be treated.

The brave ones leave, those that are steadfast and have made bigger commitments stay and fight.

My post today is for the brave ones, who have left the comfort of a not so prefect relationship and are willing to take a shot at new love.

Firstly , I know that building your self-esteem and self- respect as a women and investing in yourself is hard enough as it is, but it is also an on-going process.

However what gets my panties in a complete knot and makes me livid!Is the self – defeating behaviour that ladies suddenly revert back to during the time spent mourning the loss and healing from the pain of a break up.

Yes break ups are hard – trust. And yes healing is work. But we are women.  We can do many things at once.

The reason for today’s rant is a simply to act as a reminder to anyone out there who may be victims of the surrogate boyfriend syndrome and are not aware of it.

it’s one thing  that I have noticed falls wayside in the midst of the storm that is the healing process.

Listen up,

Re- discovering the self, does not have to happen at the cost of lowering the self‘s worth.

I repeat myself;

Re- discovering the self, does not have to happen at the cost of lowering the self‘s worth.

The only thing that has changed is that you are no longer in a couple. Nothing else.

You are still beautiful, you are still worth the effort, you are still strong, you still have power, your needs still matter and your wants are still important.

Taking BS from anyone is no longer allowed, nevermind the men\women we meet during our healing.

It’s been proven that during a relationship women are more hell bent on asserting themselves to their partners, sharing their needs, revaluating their needs, reinforcing their boundaries - all the things that keep the SELF well balanced.

When experiencing a break up however, it seems to rewire them, because now they are spending so much time trying to heal, that they seem to have a temporary drop in  their standards of self and self-worth , this is usaully  evident by the resurfacing self- defeating behaviours; -  most  often bought on by the new Mr Now. =surrogate boyfriend syndrome

All of sudden crumbs are enough or accepted - where you see women setteling for whatever form of attention and time they can get from  Mr Now.

Suddenly  their boundaries disappear, standards are shaky....  and you will find that he now gets to control, manipulate or even more frustrating -   upset or misuse their already bleeding heart.

And before you they know it they are a victim suffering from surrogate boyfriend syndrome

Forget the fact that you have done the work on yourself, forget the fact that you built your confidence and self-esteem to a point of happiness, NOo instead..

let’s let Mr Temporary Boyfriend- Booty call – Distraction,  make us sad, needy, wanting, insecure fools.

In my opinion you’re committing a crime- you are now a grown up women and no longer the girl that left the relationship.

in my oppinioin girls put up with Bull Shift, women don’t, and if you can see yourself in this post today, it’s time to refocus the journey on you ,  your needs and wants and your strength and your growth .

You didn’t come this far to sell your self-worth for instant gratification and a quick distraction.

Remember that healing is a process and that i goes in steps, know that a male companion is fine here and there but dont forget that Re- discovering the self, does not have to happen at the cost of lowering the self‘s worth.

change it today.

StilettoRambler

Be your own “HELL and High Water”

 

 

 If your job sucks, set up an exit plan and leave it.

There is no great grand purpose to life, there is only to love, live and learn, teach and empower.

 Happiness is not an illusion, what is an illusion is the idea that happiness is some tangible thing or destination or, that one needs to be happy in order to have happiness

If nobody cares about you or loves you, then care about and love yourself, do what you need to do; to feel love and care.

Instead of trying to find love, give it, be it, approach it,  simply put - show up for yourself and stop being a constant complaining, wallowing joy sucking Eve or Adam.

 It's really just grating my highly grateful soul.

There comes a day in everyone’s life where we realize that this world,  is not one for the faint hearted,seriously shift happens very quickly, life changes in a new York minute and before you know it, or by the time you notice it, it’s been three months and all you have spent your precious time doing is feeling sorry for yourself.

I have seen and heard quite a bit of what I deem - mediocre complaints about life, love, work and living,  and I know that we are all familiar with these mantras or at some point in our life’s have been joy sucking Eve’s or Adams.

•           “My work sucks- I am so miserable…”,

•           “There is just not enough money”- I will never have the life I want”

•           “Opportunities are lacking”,

•           “I can’t deal!”,

•           “it’s all too hard!, “

•           “People suck! “ 

•           “I see no purpose…L”

•           “Nobody cares or loves me L”

•           “What’s the point of it all” 

•           “I will never find love”

•           “Happiness is an illusion”

Sound familiar? got one or two in your life? maybe these are "mirror man" statements?

Hear me out quickly; here is what I have to say - to you ..today.

Understand that I do this for the friend that’s too polite.For the husband that’s really trying to stay positive. For people every day that are carrying your constant negativity as their burden of love for you. For your mirror man.

 “PLEASE DO US ALL A FAVOUR AND  OVER YOURSELF -

 SO DAM WHAT, BETTER YET;

“Would you like some tea with your pity party or maybe some cookies?

Now this might be harsh, but if you are a fully functioning human being with an average life, body intact and  of average health, with a roof over your head and a healthy functioning brain; and some semblance of people to call friends , then you have no reason to be a constant complaining, wallowing joy sucking Eve or Adam.

What I require from you in exchange for all the joy sucking..

Is to take a long looong hard honest look in the mirror , and then I want you to choose ( yes chooooose) to  pick your butt  up off from the floor and own up to no one else but yourself.

Listen don't misunderstand me , there is nothing wrong with an off day or a few off  days, everyone needs time to take stock of themselves ; pick themselves up and then move on. 

 But the constant complaining, wallowing joy sucking Eve’s and Adams….. Just grate my highly grateful soul.

Is it really ever that bad?  No seriously is it? Is it?

There is a scene in season 1 of the fixer where Olivia Pope’s dad rips her a fresh one ( youtube it)

In this scene he tells her that “she will get on a plane come hell or high water, that plane representing the end of her problems, him being that hell and high water”

That scene changed my life.

I immediately went and employed my hell and high water emotion solider, to join anger, sadness, joy and the rest of the crew.

And decided that day; that

I will beat Anger - come hell or high water- it will not control me, my actions , decisions or my life

I will stand up to sadness come hell or high water – it will not cripple me or steal my sunshine.

But most importantly no matter what is happening  I WILL show up for MYSELF, COME HELL OR HIGH WATER… ME BEING MY OWN HELL OR HIGH WATER.

Don’t you think it’s time you do the same?

StilettoRambler