Missing your Ex?... Single? ….Broken up?... In a Relationship?... Married or just dreading seeing  the relatives – Christmas ramblings for your sanity.

 

 

 

Before I start, I just want to state that I have no problems with Christmas or Christmas time.

My issue lies in the fact that for some reason, people just lose their sanity…no seriously.. THEY GO NUTS..  self-esteems get tested, drunk dialling is on a all-time high.

Being single is suddenly a crime, long term girlfriends thinks it’s a viable time to push their boyfriends into engagements or babies.

Married couples fight about witch family members to spend Christmas with, estranged relatives who make no effort with each other throughout the year..... Seemingly think that they should just magically push everything under the carpet and pretend all is fine.... and ignore the white elephant in the room if you will..

People wait until the holiday season is over to end relationships, they " keep it together for Christmas" and in turn spend their festive season  future faking it with their unsuspecting partner..

..see what I mean … nuts ... bonkers ..crazy

Anyhoo so..

I find myself sitting at a cafe in town today.. plus minus 5 days to Christmas, randomly sharing a table with four guys,  who lets just call them dick, wank , Gary and speedy.

We are, chatting over a coffee and one of them happens to mentions that his girlfriend has just broken up with him.

Instantly I ramble off  “well  on the flip side it’s a great time of the year to be single…"with a frown on his face he sternly says “ no not really..”

Trailing along with the randomness of the day, I start to dwell on this one day out of the 354 other days in a year, or should I say (festive season) that seemingly puts ALOT of pressure on couples, singletons ,friends, and family members…pressure to reconcile, forgive, make nice, tolerate , blah blah…blah ..blegh..

and it leaves me at a firm..

COME ONE GUYS…it’s on day of the year, can we just keep that in mind, so that we can assist our perspective radar  to keep functioning…instead of malfunctioning.

I get it,  it’s a special time of the year, and whom you spend it with is important and special  but let’s not forget : you are someone too:, and spending time with yourself is not an indicator of failing, not being loved or some sign of being doomed as an individual.

My advice for the newly singletons this festive season is a simple one.

MAKE PLANS! :)   Spend time alone, have some R&R,  catch up with friends you haven’t scene in a while, go out, look fab, drink , talk smack and go home!

Your single now, not banished to a world of doom and gloom, if you’re going to let someone who choose to leave your fabulous ass , be the reason that your festivities are ruined then.

1.     You’re making it about them. Make it about you -Take your power back.

2.    Stop ruining your own Christmas and remember

3.    It’s YOUR holiday season- set it on fire!

Then for those Divas  and Divos who have just broken up a few months ago from a long term relationship, and will be spending their first Christmas "Uncoupled"…be mindful that it’s the season of nostalgia…

then remember that nostalgia coupled with vino..champers and ciders..is a deadly mix

So drunk dialling, or wondering how our Ex is doing, or whether or not you should send a Christmas sms ” or an sms just to pop in and say hi…”….  Or a call to catch up…

is normal and likely…

but please 


 Don’t…..  

Just seek attention somewhere else.

One day out of the year is not magically going to change the reasons why you broke up in the first place, or magically have changed the   person that you left behind...

One day out of the year is not a sudden reason you should make contact,…

Remember,that when having dated for so long we build traditions and habits with our partners at the time,  so listen carefully... 

you’re not missing the person, your mourning\missing the habit or familiarity if you will.( you guessed it ..nostalgia!!!).

In the same breathe it also doesn’t mean you get  to allow them to contact you…pop back into your life,catch up.. or say hi...

 Don’t be that person who got lonely during the festive season and landed up having a holiday fling with good old faithful…..that's just not cute. (never mind progressive towards your healing and how far you have already come.)

Then ...Married couples out their…if your family is split up these holidays or simply don't get along with each other... and you cant decide witch partners family members to spend the festive seasons with ,

1.find a compromise that makes you both happy, or 

2. If you cant then, spend the day together as a family ( i.e you, your wife and kids ) and see the other families  members on the 26^th – it is family day after all.

 

Lastly for those estranged family members whom you may have conflict with , remember its just December, choose to open the lines of communication, or chose to keep them closed,

chose to have that tough conversation or choose not to, what ever your choice be mindful of it,

If your open those lines of communication - do it fully,  if  you  don't... that OK to, just 

Don't  have any guilt for choosing to stick to your boundaries , we teach people how to treat us, and how we want to be treated, and that includes family. 

Enjoy the festivities, embrace the spaces you find yourself in, wipe your slate clean for 2013, do something nice for a stranger, whatever it is you choose and wherever it is you find yourself, make sure its exactly where you want to be and with whom you want it to be .

Like i said earlier, its YOUR holiday season, no one gets to take that from you so

set it on fire!

Happy Holidays!

 

 

 

 

 

When will my Reflection show who I am inside......?

 

 

 

I count myself lucky and blessed to have the opportunities I have, to meet the great people that I do.

Deeply soulful conscious encounters that I would never take back, encounters that I would over-orchestrate if I had tooo, encounters that have not just enriched my life, but have allowed me the freedom to let my light shine.

My post today is dedicated to the brave souls , that I greatly and gently admire, souls who truly stand for everything that the stiletto rambler blog is about, more so this post is about the silent lessons that they have taught me, lessons that I hope you can take with you as you walk your own journey to a mutually fulfilling authentic life.

 With all the mingling and socialising that I do, I have come to realize that one of the hardest things in life to do, is to take off the mask that we put on for the world stage and be the person staring back at us

 “the man in the mirror “if you will,

 

You know that person ,, that looks back at you  when the lights have dimmed the wine glasses are empty and its,  just you and yours, the you that you fear my be rejected if they even attempted to surface in society, the you deep down inside, that sits on your shoulder and constantly reminds you that your life is a lie, the constant reminder that your reflection is nothing much but a sociatel fabrication you created to survive, as well as the roles that these masks force us to master.. so to the following souls i bid a salute my light allow alot more others to let theirs shine!

From my friend Keith Vries - I have learnt :

·         That challenging the world is a great way for personal growth.

·         That Honestly with oneself allows us to open up to others.....and learn more, grow more .experience more and then my personal favourite lesson.

·         It’s never too late to get honest with yourself- why I say its my favourite lesson is because it to damn easy for us to stick to the status quo,

it’s tooo easy for us to keep the masks we have worn for years- Keith for always pushing the boundaries of self-discovery I salute you.

From my Darling friend Mercedes: I have learnt:

·         That if I don’t take up the challenge to get to the point where my reflection shows who I am inside, and then I have not done my best to live my truest life- i have cheated myself.

·         That I need to be my own cheerleader first before I can be others-self esteem starts at home..

·         That criticism is worth nothing if it doesn’t lead to growth-

·         That every day is indeed a red carpet day.

·          That there is never an excuse to NOT put your truest self first.

·         But most importantly to  fight for your space in society, even if that means being in a class of your own- Mercedes honey your rock.

From my friend Shishani: I learnt,

·         That change and revolution just needs one black sheep.

 

·         That your support systems are of great importance.

• That love has no boundaries.

 

The day your reflection shows who you are inside, is the day you decide to put currency to your time,  understand your value,

it’s the day you challenge your surroundings and start building a life that reflects your truth.

It’s the day you say no to mediocre behaviour in both your friendships and relationships

, it’s the day you no longer take up the role of the mistress, or the doormat partner,

Is the day you start teaching people how to treat you.

 It’s the day you put in as much effort into pleasing yourself, as do into pleasing others.

And as always, on my quest to authenticitism and living my truest life, I  remind you that it’s not perfection, its progress.

 And the best you , is simply a mask removal away.

 

Your Thoughts..?

The Virtue of  Selfishness…Your BEST Asset..

 

 

 

“To love is to value. Only a rationally selfish man, a man of self-esteem, is capable of love - because he is the only man capable of holding firm, consistent, uncompromising, un-betrayed value. - Ayn Rrand:The Virtue of Selfishness

The man who does not value himself, cannot value anything or anyone” ― Ayn Rrand: The Virtue of Selfishness.

Defined: Virtue (aka advantage, benefit assets) --Behaviour showing high moral standards

Defined: Selfishness (.aka self- centeredness, egocentricity, greediness)--stinginess resulting from a concern for your own welfare and a disregard of others.

So the last few weeks, I have been intertwined in either conversations or events that have highlighted the various acts of selfishness... both within my own realm and strangers realms around me… I have witness outcry as friends, acquaintances and lovers, have put themselves first and their friends and loved one's second.

 I have seen lovers quarrel due to their partners self- centred-ness, and I have shared a drink with a beautiful mind, while conversations about selfishness and our own selfish endeavours ..remained on the forefront of our conversation… and as usual my restless mind starting jogging through  the paradigms that is human conditioning .. and it turns out…that my running lead me out of breathe to the following:

from the begging of time and from a very young age, we have been taught to care and nurture for others, not only where we taught this we were mind warpppped with this notion... of putting others needs ahead of our own… to be selfless in everything we do.

The collective… over the individual…. Ubuntu…first them, then me… ….

Selfishness (one of my favourite values) has in this process been regarded as a negative act or value if you will…today I would like to challenge that, cause its utter BULL SHIT… utter UTTER BS …being selfish  is actually a virtue… it is an asset… SO the question is this

Is there really something like a selfless act? Eeeeeeeeeeer  wrong ….I am afraid to break it to you but their isn’t J

“Love itself is a selfish emotion”. think about it.....

“When you marry or start dating someone .you agree to be faithful ,to that person in exchange for his or her faithfulness to you. “

We enter into relationships with conditions to protect our own self-interest and emotional preservation..

Consider this: you cannot say “I love you” without first saying “I”,

I am afraid it is with great pleasure that I  tell you that  “ all human motivations are based in selfishness”. ....stop acting so dam surprised when it happens...

When you volunteer for a cause, donate money to charity, or “pay it forward”, though many regard such an action as ‘selfless’ it really isn’t!!!!!

 Because helping people makes you feel good about yourself!!!

Let’s be ugly honest here shall we- A truly selfless act means you receive no sense of satisfaction or benefit from doing the act.

Don’t you just love ugly truths?

 I sure do,

So there it is guys..

The road to real authentisim is filled with ugly truths,

(http://stilettorambler.blogspot.com/2012/03/authenticity-living-from-core-of-whom.html)

Embracing and accepting them is the first step to living a more honest,” unsurprised- by- human behaviour – life” … with that in mind...

·         Own your selfishness..

·         Kindly stop pretending that it’s not about YOU AND YOURS …cause is it.

·         Don’t be bothered by people that call you selfish, they are just upset that they don’t have the balls to be.

·         Don’t feel guilty if you say no to friends and choose to stay in with a glass of wine.

·         Tell your lover if they haven’t fulfilled your needs…

·         Let your friends leave the party early – without being mad at them…we all know we are just angry because our needs weren’t met

• If your elationship no longer serves your needs- leave
• If you dont want to do something.. dont
• If you want to over nduldge - do..

 

In essence before we enter into relationships, we need to be mindfull and honest about the fact that we all a bunch of self – centred self-obsessed narcissistic beings and that’s ok!

Also I want us to stay aware that the people we enter into relationships with are too, so here is my tip, find a space where your selfishness and their selfishness can live happily ever after.

Your thoughts...?

(Inspired by Ayn Rands)

 

StilettoRambler: Second chances...attempt 2.11 …..gettingback toget...

StilettoRambler: Second chances...attempt 2.11 …..gettingback toget...: Second chances...attempt 2.11 …..getting back together….Third times a charm… or is it..?     Recently, someone that I threw out...

Second chances...attempt 2.11 …..getting back together….Third times a charm… or is it..?

 

 

Recently, someone that I threw out of my life some time ago….returned, asked for forgiveness and wants us to start our relationship over again…truth be told and lets not lie this wouldn’t be a second chance….. More like the 8^th, 9th or 10^th chance.

The reason I called it quits, was due to the fact that my boundaries were crossed,  my feelings were being miss -used and mistreated, and  I was not being treated with the care, trust and respect that i deserved....so i booted the mufo and went on with my life...

Sad to admit, and with a shamefully grin, I had pathetically….. Forgiven and forgotten more than what was considered kosher…but the idea keeps lingering there in the background...and its as if i have magically forgotten the ass-behaviour that i was subjected to over and over again,

Its like i forgot the pain of the humiliation, the countless nights of swearing that i would never!!! .....strangely enough  my selective amnesia was winning the memory Battle and all i could think about was ....well " people change ..why not give it a try?"

Frustratingly enough the more i tried convincing myself that it reconciling wouldn't be  that bad...another feeling started to naggggggg me.. more of a question then a feeling?

The question?

 why...? why... and why... ... was I even considering chance number 2.11….?!?

Am i one of those people that will continually allow and forgive ass- behaviour... am  i truly the type to fall Victim to the pleas and apologies...?, has my hindsight completely lost its vision?

Needless to say:

Que.... the return of the internal battle:

Me: Did you not break up\or end that relationship for a reason?

Myself: YES i did, they crossed the line… I decided to choose myself.

Me: Soooooo what now…you miss them?.. they have changed? ...things are different?

Myself: Yes .....I kind off  miss them....…I mean we had some really good times together..

Me: You had some really shitty times toooo.....

Myself: I know…. but people change, and this time they seemed really sincere in their apology. And they said they would work harder ....

Me: HAHAHAHA, sorry myself, I don’t mean to laugh at you .......but your committing Relationship Insanity….pathetic!.... Have you forgotten what lessons we learnt…about reconsidering...

Myself: *sigh*.... remind me…

Me: Well there are the right reasons and then their are the  wrong reasons to consider reconciling or giving them ...chance number 2.11:

1. Hurt feelings?: If you for a second feel that the magnitude of your  hurt and pain -are some indication  that you should maybe go back and reconsider---- i urge you not to, dont be blinded by the hurt.. going back wont make it go away.. remember their was a reason you cut the ties..
2. Denial?: If you havent yet really dealt with the loss, and now your unresolved feelings are pushing you in  a direction in an attempt to find closure.... sleep on it some more...
3.  or.....
4. Lazyiness? : If the idea of having to start all over again with someone new-gives you the creeps...then you are reconsidering for the wrong reasons...

 Myself: CRAP....so what are you trying to say...

Me: Well honey, if thus is only the real second time you are reconsidering, then i would encourage you to take the leap of faith..buttttttttt. if this is the 2.11th,  time i am afraid to say your just undervaluing yourself...and more importantly ...lying to yourself.

Giving people a second chance, or willing to try again, must never be affected by reasons such as...its to hard to start all over...or they seem very sincere in their apology...neither should it mean you have to change your ways to make sure that their behaviour doesn't get repeated...

Up until the day you can be sure, they know what it was in their behaviour that hurt you , and are consciously making an effort to change their ways and live a better life....not for you , or on your

Your thoughts?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The” CUT  THE CRAP” Diet- Your summer self detox relationship guide

 

 

 

 

The year is coming to an end, summer is underway, and the buzz word- is Detox’s and Diets and getting in shape!

 Everybody is out and about doing what is needed to get their bodies in shape and looking great!

It’s all about stuffing the body with nutrients, upping the boundaries on alcohol intake, and cutting out things that areunhealthy...

Witch got me thinking, with all this work on the body being done….what about the heart, mind and soul?

 What good is a healthy fit body, with a broken heart, diminished self-worth and increasing emotional distress?

 Could it be time we take ourselves and our relationships on a “Relationship -Cut the Crap” Diet?

I think it’s time. If you are guilty of slacking on the self-respect and self-worth journey, OR if you have lagged on reminding and or teaching people how to treat you….then YOU SHOULD TOoo.

This post implores you to take your self-worth, and self-respect, as well as emotional boundaries out of the cupboard, dust them off and get them out and running with immediate effect.

We cannot even try and attempt to be happy in our relationships ,if we have lost track of our boundaries, our self-respect is dwindling, and we are forgetting to teach people how to treat us, or at least remind them when they have crossed the line.

So…What does this diet entail……..?Glad you asked!

Firstly if you have fallen off of the journey to self-respect, self-love and living an authentic life forgive yourself… remember progress and not perfection.

, secondly if you have allowed some boundaries\lines to be crossed, quickly crab a marker  and re-draw the line , and last but not least start to cut ,cut cut the unnecessary emotional carbs!

Cut !!!!! and cut!!!! - not cut down- cut out!

·         Cut all the excuses that you have found yourself making…excuses validating the reasons why  you may have been accepting, unacceptable behaviour from your partner or special someone.

·          Stop the denial …YES THE DENIAL…. pretending that something didn’t happen or is not as bad as it seems, will  just add more emotional baggage.. and self-worth damage

·        

·         Stop justifying their bad behaviour, stop trying to explain, and for crying out loud stop convincing yourself that you’re the only one that gets them!


Start cutting today, and send the un-needed emotional baggage running for the heels, compliment your revamped detoxed, summer fit body with a healthy self worth, fit self respect and long endrance enhanced boundaries.

Your thoughts?

 

 

Your Dignity has an ON button trust me….

 

 

For the last few weeks, I have been helping a friend deal with her break up, not really how I would like to, but these days whatsapp and facebook are the new ways of connecting,

 As I have said before ..break ups arrant easy, but they are also not impossible to get through, firstly your relationship is what broke, not you- and secondly if its not mutually fulfilling anymore it isnt worth the time.

But being that they are a part of life I decided to delve deeper into what it is about this lose, that sends our dignity out the window…?

To often, I have seen people just straight up act a fool to get the attention of someone who simply just isnt that into them anymore..fool acting behaviour like:

·         Drunk and dialing-(confessing never endng love after to many jagermeisters )

·         Or sending sms’s to stay in touch

·         Writing emails to fix things

·         Tyring to rock up where they are in attempt to be noticed by them or validated

·         Or the mother of all evils – staying on as his\her friend

You get my point,  fool acting behaviour…anyway so after some emails and texting, and then some reflecting it hit me-Rountine…Routine… more often than none rountine adds fuel to the fire of pain.

what I have come to relaize within this journey with her and apon refeclting , is that its not so much the pain off losing the person, but the breaking of the habit.. that is hard.

It is a fact that couples fall into routines, and when the ship breaks, it is that very lack of routine that  feuls the fire of the heartache…

Its is the simple, mundane gestures and actions such as  early morning calls, good night sms’s, or the lazy Saterday\Sunday hangouts that take you straight to pain central..

 These mundane activites  seem to be causing more damage then, the annual valentines day , or sporatic wedding invitation to the now newly single vixen.

These same mundane gestures\routines, are the root of , drunken dials, random sms’s and breaking the no contact rule.

I am by no means undervaluing the feelings you may have for your new lost love,that is understanable, my  issue lies in that, for some reason many of us use them as an excuse to send  ex’s sms’s or emails about how much we miss them,  or how tough it is for us to cope without them around and how things are falling apart-my advice…….. stop..

Trust me sending them scripts on how much your are suffering and where things went wrong and how things couldve been better- inorder to help them to “see” yourside of the story, or maybe see your pain and reconsider…………………….. is nothing more than a sad attempt to validate your value to someone who clearly no longer sees it.

Remember the ship is broken, you are not- valdation is only needed from you to yourself.

So here is the deal, fill the spaces left behind with things you have always wanted to do, if saterday was game day, it now becomes brunch and shopping with the girls day, if you have an overwhelimg need to talk to someone call a friend,

 

feelings may be irrrational, and they cannot just be switched on and off but  Your Digninity sure as hell has a ON button- and its never to late to flip that switch!.

Your thoughts?