Manipulation……would you like some tea for your pity party…?

Definition- exerting shrewd or devious influence especially for one's own advantage

OR

 As I like to put it, pulling the strings…

This post is about using the right tools in a relationship to get what you want out of it, and as you can tell by the heading I don’t encourage manipulation…now

There are a couple of different types of manipulation, but the four we come across the most in relationships are:

“The Poor Me”: not the most direct and assertive approach if you ask me, but the poor me always take on the form of the victim, “nobody loves me” , I will just struggle on my own” I am all alone,  and in that sense are able to deceive their partners into feeling guilty and then forcing action out them.

 The Aloof:   Love these people…..they do it well, These people use withdrawal of self or love or their time, as a mechanism to control, they pull away and become vague, distant …causing the manipulatlee to try and pull information out of them, or regain their trust…thereby making them think that they are the only trusted ones, and there by coaxing the manipulator to get what they want.  Then off course

 The Interrogator:  “where have you been” who have you been with” you doing this and that means that you don’t care about me”…why do you wear that? It doesn’t look good,

These folk use criticism and interrogation to make the manipulatee feel less worthy, have doubt in themselves , basically they break you down … and thus then uses  power to get there victims to do what they want them to do..These people can get in your head so quietly that you won’t even know your butt is being puppeted

Then lastly, my least favourte of the bunch:

The Intimidator:  Stay the hell away from them… I REPEAT find the first exit and RUUUN.

I don’t need to tell you about these types, you know exactly when you are in their presence, the bully’s of the play grounds if you will

So there you have it, if you didn’t know you know do, if you don’t remember scan them again..

Know I have no, and I mean zero tolerance for manipulators ..,

 I am only as generous to kindly offer them tea and a cupcake to go together with their pity party…from the “poor me’s” to the “I can only trust you and that’s why I need your help (aloofs) to the interrogator and intimidator- I offer a cool “aaa shame”…would you like some tea with your mopping session.

If you’re wondering why I am so harsh on manipulators here is my answer:

If you feel the need to manipulate in your relationship and I mean  in ANY relationship, in order to get what you want and you simply cannot ask.

Then you are not building the blocks to a MUTUALLY Fulfilling relationship,- your controlling full stop.

The needs of yours that are getting met, are under false pretenses and thus the love being given is not real- its manipulated.

 If your needs are not being met,  or you want something done…you need to open your mouth (whether it be by text or in person) and do something about it,

Because trust me ………..manipulation has a shelf life..And once your partner is aware of your mind games..Its game over..

Its game over,  because they will become aware that you have been deceiving them via control methods, and then the next time you do require sympathy it will fall on death ears..

Besides if you are indeed, on a path of authenticity, and you are working on yourself respect and worth, you don’t need to manipulate,

And for those reading “ game recognizes game” you know have the tools to identify manipulators and thus they don’t look so unfamiliar anymore.

Be polite..Offer them a cup of tea for their pity party, or a cupcake until they are ready to chat..But for crying out loud….

Recognize the BS.

Your Thoughts?

The golden Vajajay

Ladies Ladies ladies…where is the grace in walking into a bar and there are at least five men that know where on your body you have a birth mark…OR how you moan…

I watched a movie entitled “ what is your number” a time ago and the premise was about how many men …women have been with?

Firstly I don’t think that, that is an appropriate question or bar conversation and it got my thinker racing…

I am not against having a healthy adventures bedroom life with a trusted partner, but I sometimes wonder if we as women don’t give it up to quickly?

I was chatting with a few guys and I asked them how they feel about it,   and the response I got was…that they don’t have that much respect for “ take aways” …yes take aways..,

This then lead me onto thinking ...about why women don’t treat themselves like they own  golden vajajys…

why is it so easy to move to that step with so much haste…how in this world are we going to be walking around with independent fierce anthems as our mottos , take no BS and stand up for ourselves  as well as how we want to be treated…and then at the same time just give up our gold on a silver platter?

Is it that we don’t really understand our worth? Or fragility?...is it that maybe we are taking this gender equality thing to far?

 Don’t we get that we are precious gifts and that not just any old soul gets to go digging for gold?

We complain that there are barely any real gentlemen left in this world and that chivalry is dead..but on the flip side, are there any real gentleladies left?

How can we complain that men these days are dogs and only after one thing, when we are handing it out like its free food?

I don’t blame men for not courting and wooing or trying to seduce or even get to know their female interests …I mean the market they are shopping in is a  freaking free for all ….gold is just being given out freely ………………so why in the hell should they treat it like it or you like something special?

Maybe??????

 I go onto think, that if women first start with shifting their minds to the fact that their vajajys are indeed golden v..then maybe the other things such as

·         self respect,

·         teaching people how to treat them or

·          knowing their boundaries

Would not be something they need to demand or search for …maybe these things would become a given….…and less of them would land up broken , misused …bruised or abused..

They say that what you put out into the world is what you will get back…what you reap is what you sow..

So maybe we need to start having a serious look at what collective message we are putting out there..and realize that the behavoiur we are  receiving from men..is based on the messages we are giving them.

Start acting like you have a golden vajajy..and maybe just maybe the treatment you get may change to....

Just a thought…

What are yours?

You need to EARN your divorce… Respect your promise.

“I don’t feel it anymore, I don’t want to fight for us and I just want out”- probably the most scary words you can ever hear in a relationship also the most cowardly.

People in relationships get in to this nasty habit of devaluing what they have right innfront of them, and starting to want what they don’t or better yet what someone else has..

If you don’t have an “open” relationship, then you don’t get to window shop.

Which brings me to my point..

I am big on promises…and marriage is a big one.

The one thing I have always said to myself is..that..if ever the day has to come and I do make a promise,  especially  with one that has such a long a time frame…

I need to stick to it, and if I don’t stick to it, I need a hell of a good reason why I couldn’t…

Now we all know that marriage isn’t for the faint hearted and on top of that it is a big promise, BIG...never mind the amount of maintenance it needs

So i want to talk to you today about earning your divorce… if you may currently be separated, or paradise is on the rocks…this one is for you.

Honestly…I get frustrated cause… these days I see that it’s just toooooooooooooooooooo easy to give up and not do the work.

DAMIT THE WORK IS DESERVED IF YOU ASK ME!

things happen in relationships, resentment grows, fidelity gets tested, romance gets tested..routine threatens romance and love has its  valleys and peaks.

but until the day you have done everything in your power to earn that split, I don’t want to hear it.

Until the day you have tried

·         truly communicating and,

·         Having the awkward conversation.

·          Had counselling,(yes counseling…professional perspective is needed if you your partners face is a trigger to make you run amok)

·         put your ego aside and put the health of the relationship first..

·          Tried rediscovering each other, (like having date nights and the lot)

Your asses just doesn’t get to walk out on your promise to each other;

 you don’t get to just wake up one day after months of thought and decide to tell my ass, that you just don’t feel it anymore and that you want out… you don’t get to waste my time like that, and you don’t get to treat me like that.

When we were courting  and your world revolved around me..,.

going to the moon and back for me.....well that  wasn’t effort at all,

 now I ask you spend time with me, work on us, find each other again  and suddenly you have better things to do …

OH PLEEEEASSSE!!!!!

That’s a luxury you don’t get to have,

I get that you can’t climb into a boxing ring and fight for someone who doesn’t want to fight for you, I get that.

But do I accept it…HELLS TO THE NO!

You worked your but off to marry me,

• you wooed  ,
• showered and courted  me
•  made promises and we build castles in sky …
• you went down on one knee , put yourself out there,
• asked me parents , got their blessing etc

 and so I think

 I deserve the common decency, in the regard that we need to fight for it, and we need to earn it.

You need to earn your divorce, weather you want to admit it to yourself or not,

you made a promise of until death do us part, through sickness and health, well dear

our relationship is currently sick..so STICK TO YOUR PROMISE.

The grass isn’t always greener on the other side, and if its not meant to e …its up to us.

If we have exhausted all avenues, by all means leave… we then deserve to allow each other happiness …

.but until that day…you ain’t getting my signature on that paper.

Your thoughts?

Relationship stagnation….how to save your sinking “ship”.

work is love made visible- Khali Giban

"Honey we never do things together anymore"

"Babe when last have you bought me flowers"

"Sweety this is your third girls night leaving me at home"

" You spend more time on that tv game then with me"

How irritating is that not to hear in a relationship... just how much you are starting to suck at keeping each other happy, keeping the romance alive etc...?

this post is for those couples whose ship is sinking cause their lazy asses want to be served love on a silver platter without doing the work.

When you are dating for a while, there is something that happens between couples …that I am not a fan off... clearly …. and  implore people to fight tooth and nail against ….

trust me  relationship nagging is a mood killer....relationship stagnation is hell ...cause i dont hate you enough to leave you , but its reallying becoming boring dating you ...and on top of that i need to hear you moan about the lack of romance...aaaahhh

I call it the “ PASSING SHIPS IN THE NIGHT SYNDROME “OR “STAGNATION” IF YOU WILL… , its categorised by:

·         No feelings of desire for your partner,

·         Lack of interest in them as a person

·         Not feeling connected to them anymore..

·         Not being able to have a MEANINGFUL  conversation with them

·         Having sex WAYYY less,

·         Mistaking a hug for intimacy and watching a soapy together as quality time

·         When the last time you said I love  or thank you was in "99….

·         Heart to heart talks get replaced by “did you buy toilet paper?, water the garden?, make the kids sandwiches?, feed the dog?”

·         Resentment

·         Flirting with others and

·         Complacency etc

You start realizing that there is a stranger in your house that happens to have your lovers name, sounds like them , speaks like them , but feels more like a passing ship in the night and that the thought of a night out excites you more than one in with your partner…

If at all you know what I am talking about, OR  you  are currently experiencing this…YOUR relationSHIP IS SINKING AND YOU NEED TO CHECK IT  BEFORE YOU WRECK IT.

There is hope, and I will share shortly , but your not going to like everything I have to say…

firstly these things happen so don’t beat yourself up..your not failing you have simply gotten lazy yep lazy ......... the big C......you guessed it ...content.

Over the years I have come to realize that although valleys and peaks in a relationship are normal this one is deadly…deadly!!!!!!!  and lack of effort amongst others…. fuels stagnation's fire…

Right up there with  unhealthy patterns of communication …such as biting your tongue instead of speaking your mind, a lack of development either in the individual or as the couple, a decrease in romance, decreasing respect, a lack of gestures of apperception ( gifts ) or letting ourselves go…ladies talking to you here..if the only time you get  dressed up these days  or do your hair and nails is for church or a wedding etc ….you’re in trouble..

So in the usual stilettorambler way there is the ugly,

You have given up on your relationship...you have given up on yourself and you no longer value yourself..... your waisting away in exclusivity ....your cheecky ass has bagged and tagged a partner and now you think you can just sit back … unfortunately for you though...

relationships are work..

act like you know .....Khalil Gibran says work is love made visible…visible being the operative word here..start showing it…stop expecting your other half to smell it...

As far as I am concerned you and your partner are solely accountable for your unhappiness and relationship healthiness... frankly put…. the fact that you are not speaking up about the feelings you are harbouring is severing no one, …..no one.. instead your resentment is growing and poisoning the relationship further...shame on you.

seriously I have heard the saying “ straight talk don’t break friendships” and sure as hell neither should it break your relationship.

If voicing your unhappiness about the lack of nookie, intimacy  and or communication ends.. your  relationship…then good riddance..

we teach people how to treat us, and if you are sitting in this sinking ship... you are saying to your partner and self...this recent treatment is fine by me...

Thirdly …focus on the up keep (ladies)  come on, not only will it make you feel sexy and desirable, he will notice the new you too….

Both of you..bring back the gestures or acts of appreciation, ladies drop the man a note will ya “ hey sexy enjoy your day”

Dudes pick the girl a flower, buy her a chocolate,  wash the dishes for her, get her a voucher for a manicure, write her a mail, make her breakfast...coffee

Ladies allow him guy time...set up a game day for him, make some nachos and leave!!!

Let him have some space , i am saying leave cause watching him play games all day will turn you into a nag...and we all know thats not cute.

Ladies send him an sms right now, telling him you want him tonight … (men like to be desired to you know)  and please  stick to it…I don’t care how tired you are…that bond needs to be nurtured...calling your inner sex kitten!!!!

 lastly take up a new hobby together or alone…spark the “new” inside you…for it will show outside you..too

As always good people do bad things sometimes, and routines are easy to fall into, but always love mindfully and  do the work .....

remember its progress not perfection and if you have  invested this much time in each other then the relationship is worth the work avoid the ice berg and start steering the ship again

So the challenge for all of you ..start your relationship revamp strategy today.

Seriously your not doing each other any favours..step up

Your Thoughts

Monogamy…… An convenient control mechanism OR….someone’s idea of a cruel joke?

The mother of all risks…

Monogamy…the act consisting of two people entering into an exclusive relationship with one another..….usually leading up to pheromones like marriage,

marriage the act of committing to this someone for a lifetime….a life time..

A lifetime of less sex, less adventure, more compromise, more sacrifice..Less romance, harder work…less play ….less communication, more resentment….

Monogamy investing all your eggs in one basket and crying when the market crashes and your investment is lost..

For the last few days I have been walking around with monogamy on my mind…
Divorce rates are growing by the day, relationships end all the time …..Women and men have more freedom than ever before financially, sexually , yet without fail they continue and guard matrimony whole heatedly committing  to exclusivity  …

More confused I get as I delve further… if this doctrine is so important

 Has so much weight….then why in the world  does it constantly fail us….its the definition of insanity…people its not working why are you doing it over and over?

Are we overestimating our ability ….do we not really understand fidelity? Loyalty?  Commitment?

Are these just big words and actions we as society have given precedence to in order to seem less primitive?...

I go on to think,… by the stats alone this idea or should I say ideal…. is not working and I am starting to wonder If we as humans are “

Getting it wrong by mistake or by design…?

We all need sex , intimacy and we all desire love..But the connection, between the two don’t happen to last as long as the need for each of them…

Does pairing up exclusively really stand as the poster child of happiness?, or should  we stop bull shitting ourselves, have a look around and admit that we have no idea what we are signing up for..


Honestly speaking…do we need to commit  exclusively for a lifetime in order to be happy ? Or can we sustain a mutually beneficial relationship without the cloud of till death do us part..Looming

Does it make you selfish if you want to share love instead of divide it? Is it wrong to argue that its not working so maybe try another route?

Does it mean a lack of respect cause you  may  desire a wife and a husband?

Or does it leave you doomed to live a life in the shadows, passing up other reasons, seasons and lifetimes that may cross your path…

Monogamy…if bees where monogamous with flowers…we would never have the different varieties on earth as we have now..Just a thought….

 So yes, monogamy.. my problem with you is that you false advertise, and i am not a fan of un- authenticity , 

stop the crap and tell the people that practice you  the ugly, the inconvenient truth... so they know what they signing up for....seriously have some decency.....stop the crap you advertise like respect, love , loyalty, picket fences and swings in the back yard, casseroles and growing old together..your a Wolf in sheep skin, and i need you to realise that " i see you"

 cause the reality  of you monogamy is ... a honeymoon phase, that ends up with two ships passing in the night, custody battles and the BIG D.

its not by mistake or design that we fail ...its due to the fact that you are a liar

Your thoughts?

Break- Ups have collateral damage..They are called friends …Be different

Relationships of all kind are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, with an open hand,

the sand remains where it is.

The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on ,the sand trickles through your fingers.”

How often have you broken up with a man to find out that you don’t own a single friend?...

 You don’t own a single shoulder to lean on,  due to the fact that they were all his friends?

Why……………… his friends?

Well along the way and ( I see this often….. and have experienced it with my very first relationship)….

Along the way you managed to neglect and or lose all yours.. as you were toooo busy delving into his life…

It’s a common fact that when we split up from a relationship we are bound to lose some acquaintances \friends we use to spend a lot of time with when we where dating..

This I have discovered is one of the toughest aftershocks of a break up… next to the terrible heart ache ..and lack of colour in the day….the other silent killer is this…

The phone is quite… your social statues is changing and the invites to all the parties are MIA….its tumble weed and silence ….tumble weed and silence

Tumble weed and silence that is, for those , who did not maintain a sense of ourselves in our relationships, ..........for those who did not guard their friendships … treat them with care...

You  know who you are….

You’re not the first, nor will you be the last person to feel abandoned by these so called friends that have now abandoned you socially, but before we play the blame game, and spit fire.... lets allow ourselves to have a look inward …

If you are one of those lovelies, that tends to morph into the female version of your mate,

who starts to talk like them, have your eggs like them, take one their taste in music, spend every living moment with them and their friends and start shedding things that aren’t in line with that the new  “we” or YOU  ….., like your old friends...

 than this post is for you…

secondly if you can identify that this is what you are busy doing... then I also implore you to pay attention to  what I am about to say:

Relationships come and go..But true friendship is eternal…relationships have reasons, seasons and all that junk but they can end… i am not saying they should or that one should have a safety net, but the reality is more often then non relationships they have expiry dates ...

So as off today start getting your priorities straight…..

·         Your boyfriend or husband CANNOT be your best friend…most trusted, most understanding..but only and best friend..is not  a good idea.

·         Your friends are there for a good reason…to pick you up when you are down, or call your BS when need be,or to give you breathing space from hubby,,,, so value them

·         Its important to have a sounding board…and as much as you would like to disagree with me…TRUST ME

 that best friend\ boyfriend or husband of yours …wont take lightly to you telling them about just how fed up you are with them.

·         But mostly relationships can come and go, but true friendship is eternal.

So if you have been neglecting someone in your,  life because you are knee deep in your relationship, give them a call, or take them for coffee.

Integrate your friends into your new relationship ….your friends are your family and your new love needs to take you as you come.

Your thoughts?