The Recovering Doormat

"Don’t allow your wounds to turn you into a person you are not"

Its seems that more often than none beneath every strong women or man lies a broken little girl or boy whom either has learnt to stand up again and accept their past, moved on and have decided never to depend on anyone again OR

Hasn’t stood up yet and is waiting to be found or rescued OR

Constantly chooses the role of the victim – the poor sap of a person who is nothing except a product of their circumstances their pain and their broken pieces better known as the victim mentality.

That person in your life that’s lives with the “poor-me attitude”.

Those friends or family member’s including ourselves who are allergic to taking responsibility for  our actions.

The believe that the world is always against you and life is just SIMPLY unfair

Those who are life’s constant underdogs, unfortunates, doomed beings, that constantly demand rescuing.

What psychologists refers to as “people that are afraid of taking responsibility for their own wants and desires and  have a fear of failure and unconsciously believe they are not deserving of having good things in their life”.

The soul grating self.

The person who gets to take no accountability for their life, ALWAYS gets the sympathy of others whether earned or demanded and gets to burn bridges and spit fire to whomever comes in their way.

In the dictionary defined as an acquired (learned) personality trait in which a person tends to regard themselves as a victim of the negative actions of others, and behaves as if this were the case even in the lack of clear evidence of such circumstances.

The master manipulators that suck sympathy out of you and get to pass the buck on accountability and drain and drain and drain.

Today I would like to tackle these draining personalities or self-traits if you will, the soul scratching comfort zone also known as the victim mentality.

Nothing grates my soul and irritates me more than people who constantly blame life and circumstances for who they are today and why they are the way that they are.

I say this as a recovering doormat, a conqueror of the victim personally, I say this after having met people who have overcome the most devastating hurdles life can throw at them and are now pioneers of their futures and not prisoners of their past.

I would like to reach out to those today, who love to life in their misery, who have drinks with their pain and enjoy constant pity parties but mostly I would like to share with them some thoughts on how to sit with the broken, give a finger to the pain and cancel the plethora of pity parties.

I always say this to people I meet, bad things can happened to good people but great people take that experience take the lessons and build their world to greatness so

Firstly    -get over yourself- I mean this in the most loving way,  stop being so selfish we are all broken in one way or another.

Aren’t you tired of rewriting the same script? Isn’t it enough now already? seriously can we either accept the past, or leave the situation or change the situation BECAUSE anything else is sheer madness.

And I am not talking about once, I am talking about every single time your demons of pain and anger ,resentment or spite creep up, I urge you to you  SAY OUT LOAD TO YOURSELF - the devil is a liar, then break the pattern and change your behaviour  and attitude to towards the circumstance or thought.

Secondly when pain knocks on your door I want you to say,

 “Come in, sit with me, and leave only when you have taught me what I need to know”

 But please now that just because you are welcome in my home, that it doesn’t mean that you are to cripple me, because I am healing, I am a recovering doormat and you are here to teach! and if you don’t come with real growth lessons, please leave! My happiness and emotional health is who I chose and you are no longer welcome”

I for one am a firm believer that I must (as in I am obligated ) to let the pain visit me, I must let the pain teach me, I must understand that my circumstances have nothing to do with what my future will look like. But I cannot allow the pain or brokenness to overstay its visit or cripple me, because it will and if I don’t stay vigilant of it as in call it out when i see the lies my heads feeling me , I will find myself turning the lady at the hair salon into my therapist, I will push away love, I will not trust and I will find myself alone, angry unfortunate and doomed

As friends or family of soul – graters, recovering doormats or weather you are dealing with or confronting our own negativity its time to  to stop validating the victim mentality. It’s time to stop partaking in any any form of self- defeating drama from this point on.

Instead we need to remind our recovering doormats that they need to embrace their ability to recover and achieve. And we need to remind ourselves before we pour another shot for “poor ol me”  that we to  need to stop validating our victim mentality we need to not partake in all this self- defeating drama and embrace our ability to recover and achieve...recover and achieve..recover and achieve.

Because do we want to be a prisoner of  your past or do you want to be a pioneer of YOUR future?

Your thoughts 

StilettoRambler

STOP bullying your Self RESPECT!

Self-Respect - A proper respect for oneself as a human being - it is defined as holding yourself in esteem and believing that you are good and worthy of being treated well.

Bullying - Abuse –nuff said.

A person with self-respect simply likes her- or himself. self-respect is not contingent on success because failure is a part of life. Neither is it a result of comparing ourselves with others because we are and can never  be the same.

for me, it means being true to yourself, being able to accept criticism but not allowing it to alter your inner being. it is not reliant on successes, social standing or wealth, its an inner confidence and assurance in yourself, its accepting your mistakes, it is about being true to yourself at all costs and most importantly, its about standing up for that truth.

My truth is that I matter and therefore I deserve only the best, anything that tries to break that truth has gots to go.

My truth is that I am lovable and I deserve love  - unrequited, unconditional love and any person or element that tries to challenge that truth has gots to go.

My truth is that I am worthy of living my best life and any person or element that thinks I dont, has gots to go.

My truth is that I believe in myself and my decisions and if you have a problem with that you have ..guessed it - GOTS TO GO.

What I have come to learn is that the only way that I can preserve the jewel that is my self- respect is by tackling all alien elements that try to attack it and the first place for me to usually start is inside.

So, this post is aimed at people who are constantly bullying their self respect into emotional disdain, pain, incivility and ungraciousness;

people that  continue to have friendships with emotionally unavailable friends and then go on to bully their self-respect in order to get back into a relationship with them.

It’s for the gentlemen out there whom have been used time and time again because they are good peoples, and have managed to bully their self-respect into still sticking around with the hope that she will see him for the king that he is or because they think that after they pull off  enough acts of service they will get the respect that they deserve.

It’s for the women out there who think that they can’t get better and would rather rekindle lost love with an old flame or better yet stay put in the hell hole that they are currently in because they can’t stand up to their inner bully.

It’s for the person who got a great job offer at another company, got a weak A$$ counter offer from their current employer and bullied themselves into staying with the abusive boss because they like the coffee – (okay lets be fair that’s ridiculous, but what’s not ridiculous is some of the nonsensical things people put themselves through cause they are constantly bullying their self-respect.

And lastly it’s for the person who is very quick to compliment you on your attitude, outlook on life and or looks and THEN in the same breath spits on themselves in front of you!!!!

You know them; 

• “I love those jeans on you…but I could never wear them with my thighs”

•  “Your hair is great like that, mine is to xyz to ever do that”

• “You know I care a lot about you, I just don’t want a relationship right now”

• “I know they aren’t the world’s best spouse, but it’s better than the crap that’s out there, have you seen how people struggle to date lately”

 I think it’s time we stop bullying our self-respect. So if you are reading this and you’re a self-respect bully – Just stop it– it’s not a good look.

It totally irks me, when I come across beautiful healthy brimming functioning souls, and I listen to some of the things that they say about themselves or the way that they rationalize nonsense to themselves.

It’s downright nasty and honestly I consider it - verbal  and emotional assault on the self. 

I don’t know how often I have encouraged people that they need to get over themselves, ( and by that I mean that they think they are above doing the work that they need to do on the self)  or to stop the pity partying, or to stop constantly being negative and just get on with living their best lives.

I often ask people who are putting themselves through nonsense.

" have you met yourself?" 

cause if you did  trust me when i say "you wouldn't allow any of the crap you are putting yourself through"

Its a fact; that when you talk to yourself differently, your brain starts to create new thought patterns, it actually replaces the negative ones with more positive thoughts. so break those cycles and free yourself of this self created prison.

I promise you, that things will get better, but you actually need to invest in that better. 

You can do anything that you want to; but positive action is required.

And if none has ever told you this, or your friends are too busy enjoying your misery because it makes for great coffee dates then here it is:

•  Emotionally unavailable friends that pull ultimatums on you and still want a friendship with your self-respect don’t deserve it BECAUSE YOU MATTER.

•   If they cannot commit to you – they are JUST not that into you let that go already - YOU DESERVE BETTER

•  Rather the devil you know then the one you don’t, is a vapid senseless saying and I urge you to step out  of your comfort zone and start moving towards emotional health - “You think because he doesn't love you that you are worthless. YOU ARE NOT
• You think that because he doesn't want you anymore that he is right -- that his judgement and opinions of you are correct. They aren’t.. so let him go.

And lastly the next time you come across someone who compliments you and speaks negatively of themselves, kindly let them know that you can’t take their compliment if they speak ill of themselves. 

If you have been on the journey to better yourself you should be very proud of yourself. I know I am.

If you catch your inner bully trying to surface because they tend to,  put them to bed.

If its the first time your reading this blog and you have noticed that you have been bullying your self respect than start the journey to emotional well-being today,  because you deserve your best life, you can be the best version of yourself and you matter. 

StillettoRambler

The Art of Healing – getting over ALL of it ; including yourself.

“I can’t believe this is happening to me!” - well it is.

“I am just SO angry; furious and sad!” - Your allowed to be just don’t hold onto it for too long eventually you will need to drop that coal.

“I will never forgive them” - you should, allow yourself to be free.

“I will never allow myself to be hurt like this again” – sounds like a lonely existence.

I have been meaning to write this post for a few years now. But healing is hard, it requires tons and tons of work, a seriously strong sense of self and an un-unwavering belief that you deserve better along with an understanding that this world is cruel and shift happens. 

Healing is hard!!!!!!!! because you n.e.e.e.d to tell yourself that no matter what life throws at you, your journey through this hell hole will be EPIC.

This post is for the douche of an ex who calls you two years later to tell you that they miss you and still love you; reassuring you that you were the best boyfriend\girlfriend they have ever had, then proceeds to put down the phone and live their best life with their new wife\ girlfriend\partner.

It’s for the ”swan on lake” type of girl ;who bumps into her ex at the supermarket with this new wife years later, plays it cool and finds herself a crying ball of mush a few hours after.

It’s for the person who never dealt with themselves, their insecurities and issues but instead choose to punish themselves and decide to live out this self-loathing in  a string of meaningless fun for a while situation -ships .

It’s for the person who immediately after a break up leaped into “fix it mode” and realizes later that they still might be very much in love with their now moved on partner.

It’s about the person who is currently carrying an open wound and does not know how to rise from the ashes or plant new stronger seeds. 

Because let’s face it healing is hard!!!  Anger is nice, it helps you function.

It’s about healing and dealing and moving on from pain.

Let me tell you a few things about pain that I have learnt over the years;

• Pain is relentless, it’s unfukcinforgiving.
•  Pain is that colic baby- night-  after night - after night,
• Pain does not care about where in your life you are, how well you are doing; what a good person you think you are.
• Pain is an egotistical sociopath that wants to remain the doom and gloom master. The master of your life, the master of your heart, the master of your growth, the master of your self-demise.
• But the most encapsulating thing about pain is not only that it is stronger then you; but that pain is easy.

So here’s to the art of healing, because it is an art (skill , knack or craft), it takes time, patience, practice and good set of balls.

Firstly before you even try and heal, I believe that you need to get over yourself, put that pride in your pocket, and admit it to yourself. You were fooled, bamboozled, used, you put effort in, it was thrown back in your face, you fought, it was a losing battle, you gave the best of yourself, maybe even all of yourself and it all came crumbling down – this for me is step number one.

Then as I have learnt in my journeys over heartache and over loss, you simply cannot allow yourself to keep moving… (dating, pretending you are OK, existing) if you haven’t taken the time to be still.

BE STILL…

BE STILLLLLL...

To see your reflection; sit with your anger, have a conversation with her, understand her, then in that same conversation  challenge your fears, CHALLENGE them  to the point that you stare that beast in the eye and tell it from now on out ; you will refuse to feed it.

Instead you promise to starve it, evict it and make a decision that your life from here on out no matter what comes from this loss, heartache or distress will be an EPIC Journey come hell or high water.

After that has been done and we have drawn the outline of our picture then; comes the easy part. The colouring in. 

tacking the sections we need to fill in in-order to create our EPIC journey.

So let’s colour;

3. We  need to accept the pain- here me out here; I  don’t mean go on missions to relive the pain I’m saying accept it as in  “ this is happening to me”  with this will come tears, loneliness  we are now heading into an adjustment period.

4.  Face the ugly truth – you cannot have emotional freedom if you chose to live in  denial. You first need to acknowledge that a bad thing has happened to you. Instead of sweeping your emotions under the rug or in the cupboard; I challenge you to open them up and have a look at your wounds, assess the damage how can we fix things if we don’t know where to start – is it my pride, is it my trust, is it my reputation, and if it all just hurts then let it for a little.. Be Still

5.  Call on your neutral observer - pretend your relationship was a movie and watch it from an objective point view, you will soon come to see many things in a different light and other perceptions will quickly start to form, perceptions that will help you move one and grow;  this I find done easiest with questions:

• Was I accepting more bullshift then I should’ve?
•  Did I overlook things because it was easier to be in a couple?
• Do I recognize the person in this silent black and white movie? Is she really me? Or had she changed? Is that really him?
• Was I allowing myself to be misused under the guise of my title as wife, husband or partner?
• Where we being as intimate as we use to?
• Did we stop dating?
• Did it become too easy to put our intimacy above everything else?
• Were we honesty still treating each other with respect?
• Communication? Was it still real or was it toothpaste and toilet paper there for a while?

If the answers to are negative then in your opinion ; is the movie that youR watching a good one?

6.Start falling out of love- I have found over the years with lost friends and boyfriends the reason the pain holds on for so long is cause we still feel so in love, come one, it takes a few months to un-feel everything that I have worked so hard on feeling right?, so I find it helpful to start falling out of love, break the visualizations and thoughts you have of them, remove the colour. Refrain from saying their name until you have lost the emotional connection to it, slowly allow yourself to let them go, to let them fade. Start practising forgetting them and by this I mean break the habits you use to have together, find new hobbies, and fill your time with new things, things geared at your healing, at your EPIC journey - create new memories.

7. Forgive …yeah I know, “eye roll”, I put it seventh, because in real healing forgiveness doesn’t happen immediately; but it is surely something that one eventually needs to do. You cannot have any form of emotional freedom if you don’t release yourself from the shackles of your anger, fear, resentment and pain.

8. Continue to talk to your inner child – I find it very important to have a conversation with your inner romantic or child; to reassure them that – it’s okay to feel lonely- It won’t be forever, its OK to be sad - something shifty happened to us after all. Its okay to want to distract ourselves for a second but we need to realize we will have to deal soon. It’s okay to need people - we are hurting, but let’s not make them our crutch.

9. Take time away from men and women – I am sorry but you cannot date and heal at the same time. Then you’re not healing; your still making someone else the focus never mind that desperation and loneliness are a$$hole drawers. (no thank you- busy working on me)

10. Believe Believe Believe that things will get better, because they will.

Trust me that phone call or encounter will come, that bump in the supermarket will happen, those suppressed  emotions will surface and believe me when I say this ;

There is NO greater feeling\freedom in this world then a healthy self because you took the time to Healthy self

StilettoRambler

GLORIOUS GLORIOUS MiSERY!

“I am your number one fan.”-misery

Have you ever thought about the work it takes to get over an ex, or a lost friend?

The actual mental, physical and spiritual warfare that we go through to no longer, care, text, make contact, and give two shifts?

To not feel sad, to not have fear, to not have guilt that things have not worked out?

The months dedicated to finding ourselves, on working through the pain, on rebuilding?

The mountain of magnitude of work we put into getting over the pain of losing love,?

seriously have you ever just sat and just thought about how MUCH work we put into letting go, to healing, and  to moving on?

I have and what just boggles my mind is;

Why we cannot do that exact same work with misery, it just seems easier to be like “hello darkness my old friend”

right?

It’s easier to be sad than to be happy isn’t it.

 It’s easier to be angry then to forgive,

It’s easier to tell yourself you don’t actually give two fcuks and isolate yourself,

It’s also easier to belief the negative BS that you tell yourself.

Let’s admit it, misery is glorious.

 It’s that long term booty call situation - ship that you have going. It doesn’t need much work, it’s convenient, it’s satisfying, and it makes things less complicated.

“No thank you happiness, my pain pattern is comfortable and here I feel safe”

I know people aren’t just able to press reset buttons in their minds, this I am aware off,

 But I find it strange that when people find themselves too happy and too functioning they tend to do some or other stupid thing to conjure up all past pains,  or allow negativity to rule and plunge right back into misery completely derailing their inner peace, literally just throwing themselves out of whack.

How is it that you decide to close the door on a husband,  lover or friend but whenever misery decides to come calling, you’re cradling her with immediate effect? (addicted much?)

Why is that self-love, and your self-esteem and all the wonderful things you have going in your life doesn’t matter the moment misery decides to drunk dial you, or update you on how great she has been since you left her?

You see having an awareness of how we truly want to feel and the path we want to walk, is crucial.

And if you can tell your boss to stuff it, your boyfriend to get the hell out of your life, your fake friends to get a stepping then I truly belief misery should never be your keeper.

Don’t you? 

Just think about it

StilettoRambler 

Friendship Relationship Wolves and Leading Your Pack. 

Relationships have wolves in them, this is something that I have come to learn in the hardest of ways.

These wolves are selfish, cause all they want is what is in their best interest, and NOT so much what is in yours.

Wolves hidden in plain sight, gloriously feeding.

These wolves are smart and dangerous, but they are also beautiful sirens that sing great songs of betrayal, love, deception and anger.

Relationships have wolves in sheep skin, people that pretend to care about you, that pretend to love you,  that stay close enough to you so that one day; they will  be able to hurt you.

Broken dark wolves that play to all your vulnerabilities and seek out those vulnerabilities in others so  - that  in the end  of it all, they can rob you and those around you of self-esteem , love and dignity.

Relationships have wolves that feed on emotional blackmail, wolves that refuse to allow you to rebuild trust and instead keep stoking your fires of anger, jealousy and gossip and greed.

Relationships have wolves that lie, blatantly, in an attempt to get you to continue to ensure that they are fed, fat and happy.

Relationships have passive aggressive wolves’ wolves that encourage passive aggressive behaviours among you and your loved ones

You know that non-verbal aggression that manifests in negative behaviour,

The one that  instead of urging you to go to your partner or friend or family member and openly express how you feel, rather gets you to makes subtle, annoying gestures directed at them in an attempt to be little them and ruin things around you.

Those hungry wolves that instead of urging you to say what’s actually upsetting you, rather finds small and petty ways to take jabs at you until they get you upset.

Relationships have wolves, good ones and bad ones, wolves bought to the party by us, by our family and by our friends.

SO anyway, the reason for my rant today is that there is an old old folk tale i came across and that I want to share with you its about an old Cherokee chief  who was teaching his grandson about life...

its goes like this:

"A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy. "It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.
"One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, self-doubt, and ego.
"The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. 
"This same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"
The old chief simply replied, "The one you feed."

Brilliant story I know,  
also very well know but wait... 
hear me out, 

SO If there are two wolves inside all of us and we need to decide which wolf not to feed in order to achieve inner peace and serenity.

Then this must mean that when we enter into a relationship with someone or  build on friendships we also need to be careful of their wolves and witch of them to we feed …..Right?

If I am sitting on a table with my friends or my partner, are we then sitting in the presence of four wolves, or six wolves or twelve?

If that is the case then should we not be careful of other people’s wolves too?

Never mind which one of our wolves we allow to play with theirs…?

Does that then mean that I need to make a point to feed my friends or partners good wolves only in order for our relationship to win?

Or at least I think we need to  ensure that the bad wolves don’t get to meet or feed off of one another. nothing like to bad apples in a basket 

bu rather to focus only on the ones in the pack that are seeking love, compassion and kindness and serenity, and strife to not feed the wolves of anger, jealousy, gossiping and greed?

My thoughts for today’s  though scrambled are rather simple , 

1. Be mindful of your wolves and of others

2. Then if you agree that a company of two can potentially  mean a wolf pack of four, or a drinks and dinner with three can potentially mean a wolf pack of six

then keep peoples wolves in mind and chose to not feed the bad ones or even allow them to hunt in your friendships circles  or relationships.

You have a choice as to which one you chose to feed.

Stiletto Rambler

Conquer from within – Bridge. Match. Burn.

There is an old saying that goes “good fences make for good neighbours”

One of my oldest mantras is that you - teach people how to treat you- this means that you have limitations on what you will allow and how you will allow yourself to be treated.

I have also come to realize over the years and recently that a lot of the times we think that in teaching people how they should treat us. We need to set up boundaries, (which is correct) but the fault or misunderstanding within the self is “that we think we are actually  setting up restrictions or rules that are supposed to control other people’s behaviour towards us.

Think about that…

Indeed and by definition a boundary is a guideline to direct other people with regards to what will fly and what will not fly, but what I am noticing is that we sit, establish our boundaries and then we try and use them to amend other people’s behaviour towards us.

That is BS.

That’s called controlling people not instilling boundaries. Boundaries are for you and not a to-do-list of “HOW TO” for others.

For me a boundary is your personal defence wall, and it’s something that you hold yourself liable to.

It is not something that another person needs to respect; it’s something that you need to respect.

If YOU don’t hold yourself accountable for your boundaries other people will definitely not. I mean come on..!

It’s pretty simple for me when it comes to my boundaries being disrespected I employ the “Bridge. Match. Burn.” Tactic witch just means that I build a bridge and then get over my hurt feelings or disrespected boundary, walk over that bridge, get to the other side, light the match and watch that bridge burn.

Because let’s get honest here, It’s not about sitting down and having a big talk, it’s not about some huge confrontation in an attempt to control or steer people  to live in a manner that suits you,  that’s called begging for understanding and begging is not cute and your worth more than to beg.

Never mind the other party, for the other party it gives them control and I don’t subscribe to control.

If you meet people and they don’t treat you with respect, kindness and or understanding from the get go, then instead of fighting and trying to instill your boundaries onto them, simply unsubscribe to their issues.

Don’t get me wrong people have relationships and we all have friendships and we make mistakes in relationships and friendships all the time and nothing is wrong with talking that over, understanding where you hurt them, knowing better and then DOING better.

This is not what I am talking about, what I am talking about is when you don’t know your limit or others limits with regards to you.

When, you consistently fail yourself in instilling your boundaries.

When you cannot conquer from within, when you cannot stand up for yourself and then blame or have anger towards the boundary “ crashers”  for what you are going through.

When all you have done is build a facade of a fence but its neither working to help you understand and know your limits and neither is it keeping your neighbours trash out of your yard.

If we focus on conquering ourselves from within no one can conquer us form outside.

  “Strong fences make for good neighbours”

I strongly subscribe to the notion that establishing strong fences, working on our love for our SELF’s, doing what keeps us mentally and physical fit, knowing what makes us happy, knowing what makes us sad, conquering fears that we may have, letting go of friends that have treated us badly , not subscribing to frienemies and unsubscribing to other peoples issues should in my mind make for a happier clutter free life.

SO I want you to decide today to take ownership for how you want to live and feel.

Remember that without good fences your neighbours will run your garden riot, disregard your feelings, needs, desires, expectations etc. and trust me , even in taking control of your house and garden , there will be times when people still hurt or poke a hole in your fence, that’s human nature, humans are crazy, selfish and destructive what I want you to do is promise that the re-occurrences of these will never happen again. NEVER!

You only have yourself; witch in my mind should be your first true love. A love that you must protect fiercely

Your thoughts

Stiletto Rambler