WE ARE   ALLLLLL OXYTOCIN ADDICTS…. WE CRAVE IT, COMPROMISE FOR IT AND CHASE IT.

Oxytocin- is the hormone that gets released during childbirth…sex… kissing and exercise among other things , it is known as the  “love drug” and I am convinced that we are all completely addicted to it, you, me and freaking Dupree.

One of my favouite songs is from the sound track of the movie “ The First wives club” and it is centred on independence in a relationship, it goes something like this:

 “You don’t own me…… don’t try to change me in any way….and don’t tell me what to do, and don’t tell me what to say, Just let me be myself….. Don’t put me on display.

I am young and I love to be young, I am free and I love to be free, to live my life the way that I want… to say and do whatever I want…

 It’s a very catchy phrase, and it’s something that I hum often, it goes right there with my opinion that everyone is their own person and that we need to learn to live and let live…

This weekend got me thinking about relationships…? That thing that people engage in, and commit to  as well as compromise for, get broken down in, live happily ever after in and get to use to change their statuses on facebooK.

I then dwelled a little further on the nature of relationships and how they seem so unnatural, we are apparently born individuals but we then spend our lifetimes trying to become part of a unit, or eventually coupled up …

Once we get to change our statuses on faceboo..k and everyone congratulates us and likes and what nots . we then spend the following  months and years, teaching these people how to treat us, sharing our values with them,  our views on life, dreams for the future, houses we would like, music we have acquired, we share our time , space and head space with them whole heartedly,  and then the magic happens we then start fighting for our right as an equal in that outfit, our need to be  respected, our need to be loved properly  and mutually. We make up, break up, marry, divorce , cheat , hurt , steal, lie, did I mention sacrifice… and for what??!!!

Something we saw on a movie?

Maybe a stories we were read when we were little?

NO NO NO No not at all …..

Countless of hours later malling it over in my head and sleep , I realized that all the trouble we put ourselves through boils down to this one fact:

WE ARE  A WORLD OF FUNCTIONING DRUG ADDICTS :

 we are all oxytocin addicts……nothing more than pathetic addicts running around for our next fix  harsh you say ok, but think about this

·         We get dressed and comb our hair to attract oxytocin,

·         We put on lipstick and make -up to attract oxytocin.

·         We allow ourselves to be controlled , rented -treated like someone else’s VRC and cell phone for that ohhhhhh so good feeling- that intense high -that euphoria …

·         We neglect friendships, - Oxytocin

·         We go as far as trying to fix our partners, to ensure that they give us that hit just exactly the way we like it, and when we don’t get it, we run around on a mission to find our next supplier or dealer if you will.

·         We say what we need to say to get a fix, do what we need too , even if it is shady.

·         We force each other to get married- cause we are chasing the oxytocin  -that comes with that white dress.

·         Breast feed longer- for that hit.

·         Hustle to make money to buy some more products to provide us with --- you guessed it- OXYTOCIN

It frightens me that all our motives are governed by this addiction, and unlike other drugs this one is potentially lethal (i.e Romeo and Juliet) ,

Just a thought ...

Your ?

Emotionally Unavailable Women...and the men who love them ..OR at least hang around...

 

Him : I really like you and want to get to know you better ?

Her : Now is not the right time for me sweety...

Him : Cool I will just hang around and be her friend.

This post is not for the men that, scavenge around someone whom he is semi -interested in, and then spits her out faster than when gum loses its taste once he “gets” what he wants from her.

This post is for the guy who truly has feelings for a girl who is emotionally unavailable but HE still hangs around.

Guys today I am going to tell you that, when a woman likes you, she likes you- no ifs, buts or maybes, as a matter of fact she knows the moment you walk into the room whether or not you STAND  a chance with her, and for the better part once you lock eyes with her across the floor or room – YOU KNOW IT TO.

 You know exactly about the kind of girl I am talking about:

·         The girl who blows hot and cold… playing the elusive game - gets irritated when you call her too much and then gets upset when you haven’t called her in a few weeks.

·         Tells you she isn’t ready for a relationship and then keeps you as a safety net while she continues to find herself on her dating sprees.

·         The one who describes a relationship as  “ when available means calling her when it suits her”

·         She invites you on dates, makes you pick her up, pay the bill, parades you around as her boyfriend and when the group around enquires she says shyly “ Oh were not together ......wait for it "we are just friends”

·         The one who plays the girlfriend role in your life, but never gives you ALL the perks of actually being the man in her life…its almost a feeling of you’re a great guy ….and I really like you ..,but I am just not sure….then on Friday night..its hey what are you up to…

Once again I have no problem with whatever  you choose to do with your 90 years on earth my issue comes when things don’t work out with her , and you had invested heavily and NoW due this experience other decent ,loving caring women out there get to date the asshole that was strung along by miss single but emotionally unavailable!

So here it is guys, as music soul child would say

  “ I am not to blame for the pain that was caused by previous pussy cats “ so pack up her baggage in the beautiful wrapping  she came in and give it back to her, secondly if a girl likes you there are no if’s buts and maybes. Thirdly just cause she has great hair ,an awesome chest , a gentle touch and shy smile, it doesn’t mean she gets to treat you as option number two!  You my dear homie are not :

·         Her free ride

·         Her wallet

·         Her friends free ride

·         Her warm body on a cold night

·         Her Mr. Right now.

You are a loving , caring gentle soul in a butch macho interior, but still a provider with dreams and aspirations of his own, still handsome, and still someone out theirs prince ,

 So cut the ties,  take your balls back, pack up the crap, ship out the leach and do better.

Then my fellow glam goddesses, could you be as kind and have more faith in the fact that you can do it on your own and by no means do you need to drag some soft hearted smitten man around for your own pleasure, insecurities or other lingering issues,

Think of the sister after you, and what you may be leaving her to inherit, they bruise easily the hunters, and therefore just as we wanted to be treated with love and care and respect, so do they.

Shall we please lead by example?

Your thoughts

WHY HER AND NOT ME : 


You’ve broken up with him and now he’s dating someone else ..."Why her and not me.."







We often pretend to ourselves and to our peers that we wouldn't care less , when we often do.

We put on a strong face , grin and bear it, because it is expected and then  silently deal with our own pain.

I see this happen  with alot of women, they pretend to be fine  after a break up with there significant other, they same unfazed that  they have moved on, they will  even  go as far as to encourage there girlfriends to let go of the fools that they are currently dating.


I have been asked  "what then when the reason for the break up was because he said"

 "he didn't want to date anymore" , and that "he needed time\space", but weeks later he is  flaunting his  new fling....?


Or when they say they "  they dodn't want to get married and thus not waste your time" and a month later they are engaged to someone new.

Though i don't have a problem with this,  lets be honest here, people are entitled to their own  choices,

My concern lies with the broken winged women, who start to obsess over themselves, beat themselves up, break themselves down  and continually get haunted by the.

"why her and not me syndrome"

Very often we do at first try and convince ourselves that these reasons were valid, denial is always the first counter,  maybe he wasn't ready....., maybe he did need time......, but and here is the ugly " but"  the  freeing  but is this "

The fact that you are still asking yourself these questions, only means that you still crave a relationship with him,  even though in all his actions and words the fool has demonstrated that he doesn't see the need or value in being with you.

you haven't even asked yourself if the fool is actually  worthy of our time in the first place, but your fretting about her...


Here is the deal , him choosing to do something after your relationship, has nothing to do with you, it has to do with him.

Trying to convince your self that the reason he is doing this is cause he misses you......,
                                                                       OR
that he is trying to prove something to you OR better yet there is something wrong with you! is firstly giving yourself to much credit, secondly not really knowing your  true worth .

Listen to me again, its not about you in any way shape or form , .....its about him, his needs, his  healing.

Its also not about her, the two of you are different individuals, with different value systems, different backgrounds and different needs,

 The fact that he has shacked up so quickly after you, only means that he hasn't really healed, or changed  his ways, and his convinced that he can still remain the same old fool he was , now if you broke up cause of the fool he was, why are you still fretting about the same fool that hasn't changed?

"Because he seems so much happier with her" i hear that alot to.

Here's the next ugly of course he seems happier with her she's "different" at least for now...

Women do it too, if they had a "bad guy" they go for a nice guy eventually get bored once they have healed, or better yet get married to the next best thing cause its too scary to be on there own,  we are all human and we all have our own insecurities,

 So I repeat once again,  Its not you , you are a perfectly  gorgeous women, driven , sexy , funny smart, caring loving and down right fabulous,

your Ex shacking up with someone new, minutes after you has nothing to do with you, its a need  for attention, a convenient hook up, a distraction.

Its to prove that they still have it, its an attempt to move forward,  you should take a que from him and do the same. 

And remember the question should by NO means be " why her, and not me"

The question should be:

•  why am i waisting my time, fretting over someone that no longer wants to be with me?
• why am i not taking the time to heal and focus on myself.

Stop investing your emotions into the why nots,shoulda, woulda, couldas don't for a second think that you weren't good enough.

Things happen, people change , needs evolve, take a minute pay attention to your changed needs, heal, grief , shout and scream , and then :

 LOOK FORWARD TO NEVER LOOKING BACK .

Do the work on you and  find yourself a mutually beneficial relationship where both needs are equally met and respected.

Your Thoughts?

The Diamond  Draped Mistress…the Other Women…

"You are not an option"

 I have come upon some scandalous stories\situations in my journeys so much so,  that I have nick named myself the “ volt”  this morning I was greeted by a popular song that got me thinking…. , you may very well know  the song “ Me and Mrs. Jones ,we got a thing going on ..”

Granted in that situation the man was the “other” but you’re getting where I am going ….

being the other women…

We all know it well, personally or vicariously through a close girlfriend …the destructive, decadent, impossible, inevitable affair with a committed man, the thrill, the addiction, the gifts, the lingerie...The best of both worlds his wife\girlfriend does the chores\emotional maintenance , you get the fun!

The ups and the downs….. Vowing to end the damage you’re inflicting on your life, his life, her life.... But then the moment he pulls you into bed your good intentions would fall away as quickly as your clothes. …The highs of loving someone you can never see enough off…

It happens all the time, you stand back at parties and let them be, he takes her home eventually, and knocks on your door, better yet your friends or “close” enough with her to remain under the radar…
For whatever reasons you choose to play that role in someone’s life, or put someone in that position is- your business, but  I would just like to highlight something’s, and take note:

Good people sometimes do bad things and doing a bad thing doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, it’s something you have done or did- not someone you are.

Secondly,

·         When you are the other women you are an escape from reality, a break, a vacation – and as we all know no one vacations for years on end.

·         You are being lied to and you are allowing it.-trust me the reasons are universal

“I am “staying cause of the kids” my wife\girlfriend won’t survive without me” “we are no longer engaging with each other” she doesn’t understand me anymore- do yourself a favour bull the BS card, on him and yourself and leave while you still can.

·         He will never leave, come hell or high water, flying pots and pans, deep depressions, I repeat he will never leave……………………matter of fact he may even pull of the ultimate deal, get another baby with the person who doesn’t understand him anymore, or  who whom he no longer sleeps with,  ( keep you as a friend and confidant cause you know- “you get him”) and still live in his picket fence.

·          You are being manipulated, how else can  he manage the situation, his working on your nurturing nature, playing with your ego, pouncing on those self esteem gaps and manipulating you.

·         Affairs only end when you get caught- save yourself the shame and the giant scarlet A on your chest

·         You deserve better, you can do better, you are worthy, you do matter - pull out that tiger purrrrrrrrr his ass off to the sidewalk…growl if its needed.

·         It’s not about you, it’s about him , your just a tool to his ego a means to an end.

·         He doesn’t love you, loving someone does not involve mistreating them- case closed.

·         You’re making someone a priority that is making you an option – YOU ARE NOT AN OPTION…

Lastly, if you are there, than there are others…you are not abounding him by leaving, you are empowering yourself, there are other healthy well rounded princes’s out there ditch the frog,

and remember:

Good people sometimes do bad things and doing a bad thing doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, it’s something you have done or did not -someone you are.

You know better, now do better.

Your thoughts?

StilettoRambler: A Friendship with your Ex..? Hold onto your SELF ...

StilettoRambler:  A Friendship with your Ex..? Hold onto your SELF ...:  A Friendship with your Ex..? Hold onto your SELF -Respect Instead.     "Y our ex- is not your friend" - Stiletto truth Breakups- a...

 A Friendship with your Ex..? Hold onto your SELF -Respect Instead.

 

 "Your ex- is not your friend" - Stiletto truth

Breakups- are hard pieces of fruits to swallow- it requires a lot of self work and requires you to literally rewire yourself into putting yourself first, accepting that things will never be the same ever and then the hardest part to come to terms with for most- it’s the notion that suddenly out of the blue you are suppose to pretend to not know someone whom you may have shared lifetimes, moments and even seasons with.

So it brings me to question and wonder about the beautiful phenomenon (more  often witnessed with women than men)  that being the age old question of… remaining friends?

Ladies we all know what it means for a man when he or you realizes his in the friend zone..

SO ….It really is an interesting thing for me, the after break up friendship...., I have crossed in my path a couple of times both with girlfriends and myself  and this is why I have to ask…

                                          Why?  …. Why? And What for?  

Could it be that maybe DEEP down inside the reason why this is remotely plausible is because we want to feel valid?

 The absence of love is now missing so in and attempt to stay validated we shrink ourselves down and opt for the hand of friendship instead?

It’s like the last viable alternative to validating that we once mattered, that we are still important and since we invested so heavily it seems like the right alternative right? …..wrong!

It really comes down to not having that much self respect for ourselves or for our Exes , its selfish …..If they did matter to you, then allow them to move on.

 Allow them to heal, allow yourself to move one, allow. Yourself. to .heal, take the lessons learned, close the chapter, wash your hands and move one.

Because sticking around is hoping that with time,  they may miss you, see just how great you are, it’s a terrible attempt at a second class ego stoke  its wanting a pinkie , when you once owned the hand.

Here is my wisdom for the day: 

 if someone treated you with less love, less respect, less care,  then taking the hand of friendship CANNOT by any means be allowed, don’t get me wrong being amicable is great and mature, but your ex- is not your friend,

 Chances are they never really where… and you need to come to terms with that, you wouldn’t really be friends with someone that treated you badly and didn’t have your best interest at heart—so what makes them so special?

Let’s keep our dignity intact shall we? Herewith my thought starters to assist you to put on those heels, or button up that suit put on your dancing shoes and paint the town red:

·         When something breaks- that means that it’s broken, and for good reason.

·         You’ll get another chance at love- be open to it!

·         Being friends puts your healing on a back burner- it delays the inevitable, its delays your happiness and inner peace.

·         Your putting the breakup on their terms- take the power back! (set fire to the rain)

·         Your keeping the door open- closes it.

But mostly you’re undervaluing your own awesomeness.

Your Thoughts?

Cookie monster hustling click below.

Relationship Fairytales ........and then we wonder why WE SETTLE!


For as long as i can remember the story started with a women or a girl if you must, Castle , slaves , finest materials , perfect waist, gorgeous Locks, tiny feet,   Rosy cheeks- all the shoes and clothes a girl could want  and lets not forget  (animal helpers especially to help with the chores ...)

But somewhat still incomplete... unfulfilled, not perfect ,  incomplete that is - until prince charming  rides in on his white horse and they live happily ever after - two words BS!

Not only have we been fed this BS from childhood, it continues in romantic comediess and FULL on romance block busters, yeah so the knight doesn't have a horse and he may  be bald- but the sporty red (insert any colour) vehicle his driving while tearing up the world to save his princess, will suffice.

All this spoon feeding makes me wonder:
 "how on earth women have come this far without series issues?"
 and then secondly just how 
 "unrealistic are our expectations of the "perfect partner? " 

In all honestly  the concept of  a princess kissing a frog to turn him into a prince  for me is just to closely related to lowering the self, putting yourself last and settling,  what ever happened to choosing substance in  a man over  materialism.

I  promise you his great body, strong arms, features and bank account will NEVER be able to suffice if he is not a man off substance.

Thirdly-

• I just need to  state that finding a man does not mean your story ends..
•  Nor is it an automatic qualifier for a happy ending\
• Not finding a man doesn't mean that there is something wrong with you,
• It simply means that you are kissing to many frogs, letting them have there cake and eat it to and ignoring the princes out there.
• Lastly don't you dare tell anyone you wanted to be treated like a princess by your Mr. Right if you are not treating your self as one.

Floating around waiting for prince charming to come and validate your exsexistence or  make you feel like the exception is not going to make you walk taller, stand higher, climb the corporate ladder faster - or make you seem more special than you already are.

 It should merely compliment you like a new fendi bag, killer heels or little black dress, in the sense that taking these off, or choosing your self enrichment will not make you an less worthy.

• You don't need to sleep  for hundreds of years and put your life on hold until true loves kiss arrives,
• You  don't need to be afraid cause you fell in love with what your parents or society may deem a pauper
• You don't have to have seven men (dwarfs) look after you - you can fend for yourself.
• if the shoe doesn't fit- get a bigger size

Besides you don't see the princes out there trying to squash their feet in to shoes that don't fit -
Kiss dragons and hope for princesses
Stick around if they don't like your evil step sisters or mothers
Obsess with a mirrors opinion on themselves

So why the hell should you?

 Your thoughts ...?

UNLEASH...your inner kitten cause YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!!

I have come across many types of women in my years, women you are tough, women who are sallow, women who think they are tough until they realise they have been lying to themselves.

 Women who are sweet but totally slutty, (dont get me wrong i dont mind that, but then i ask that you own it- and not get surprised if your falaundering ways gives you a bad reputation, ) *gasp* cause lets be honest with eachother - the world is cruel paradise, and thats just the way the cookie crumbles,  how your perceived is how you are treated.

Women that compromise the self, women that are to uncompromising , and then sweet plane janes , divas, bitches,  haters ,gossips- you name them i have met them,  but the women that this piece is dedicated to are those that make excuses, especially for their men, and there bad choices you know what i mean :

• His waiting for his ex- girlfriend to move out,
• He says he loves me, but cant leave cause of the children,
• He said its just not the right time for us,
• His not ready to commit,
• He hasn't called the whole week but Friday night you get 4 sms's  (hey was thinking of you ....)
• He first wants to establish himself and his career before anything else,
• His parents aren't ready to meet you.
• She was just a one night stand- a mistake-* Lies *
• His last relationship really hurt him , and thats why his behaving this way...
• His previous girlfriends really messed it up...
• His got great potential, i just need to stick it out, shape him , train him - BLAH BLAH
• He hasn't called me,but he was on face book yesterday, he said he was busy,
• Its not him, its me i am hard to handle

What eerks me the most is that these same women, and we have all been there wouldn't take that BS from another women- you would voice your opinion in a heart beat, put that little missy in her place stand your ground. so LADIES-

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH...

All you really doing is telling those around you , that  you accept his behaviour,  in turn by accepting it- your telling him that  its OK!  for him  to have his cake and eat it too , and in one breath - your saying-  I AM JUST NOT THAT INTO MY SELF...

So here is the dish, unleash that inner kitten  or tiger if you will , cause you matter and i promise you YOU DESERVE BETTER!

There are tons of fish in the sea- i beg you throw that one back ,if he wont commit ,move on your time is precious, using his last relationship woes to act a fool is not OK- you are not his heartbreak hotel. If he can only call you on a Friday night, its about him- not you, If his married his a straight up NO GO ZONE. you are worth more than just being the other women, the passerby, the one before the one, the overnight meaningful relationship, the booty call, your an authentic, self loving goddess and you deserve a dotting greek god.

Start today, stand your ground, get rid of the fluff and fools! stop making excuses let out that inner tiger

your thoughts?

                                   You Cannot See Your Reflection in Running Water....

I was standing in Cape Town Airport, when a young gentleman walked up to me, and asked me "Can i wash your hands" with a pondering stare and  a little bit of shock i asked why? 

He then ushered me to a display with a marble round basin, showed me his products and started to wash my  hands, "what is your name i asked?", "Daniel .".....he replayed firmly.

 Daniel i asked, do you always walk up to people and ask them to wash there hands?

No, he said, but i moved here from the Ukraine, i used to teach tai chi and i could see that you could not see your reflection...

breathe he says, as he continues to wash my  hands and tell me about his products- i inhale........ and as i wonder off , and stare at the people around me, listen to the buzz of passengers checking in and scurrying  around Daniel says -

 "We cannot see our reflection in running water" 

We go on to chat about how people are like robots, always on the go, never stopping to smell the flowers and never really engaging with there inner selves...

 A sample of the lotion and  an hour later i find myself buckled in and ready for take off, and then it hits me.

"How are we to truly, know our boundaries and live them? truly live of a base of  authenticity...? if  we are constantly running water? always on the go, always in some  sort of flow never really standing still.


I then reached the following decisions:

• We cannot be drivers of the self if  we don't sit still, reflect and be honest with ourselves.
• living mindfully  is something to inspire to daily, - hear my thoughts good and bad, eradicate the negative talk and replace it with positive talk, hear how i really feel, check in with my values , know my boundaries make my choices and F the rest.
• Take time to sit still, reflect and embrace nothingness
• Dont allow other people to steal your quite time, be selfish
• Do what is best for you at all times, run the rat race , but pace the day.
• Its to easy to run through the day, push others agendas and not our own,
• its to easy to sacrifice for the bigger picture.
• Its to easy to put ourselves last
• And there is absolutely no point to rush what is important ( ourselves, health and lives)

But  mostly, be open even to strangers as you never know what journey they could take you on..

Your thoughts?