Guest Blogger- Confessions from the other women

When a man has an affair, its his attempt to feel powerful again, needed, desired, challenged. 

 when a women gets involve in an affair its her abusing her power..its the twisted satisfaction of watching another women's man eat out of the palm of her hands.

Its the chance to play the staring role of the kings concubine...

at first glance if you had to see me, i am not your model beauty, i am not tall, my legs are not spectacularly long, and most of their girlfriends are better looking than me, but i am always the last call in the evening, the last text and if i am in the mood a late night tumble in my sheets.

I am the other women, i help your men love you more, be more attentive and stay three months longer than they initially would, this is my fourth relationship with a man that is "attached" but not married, here i am again, and i know i should run for the heels screaming, i know the whole song of deserving better, but still i stand in the doorway of his bedroom door, feet firmly planted, belly clenching and breathing slowing down.

I am the one that gets the trinkets and gifts once more, i am the one he confides in, i am the one in the shadows, the not so obvious girl with more to offer, the one that doesnt need to beg for him to spend time with me,

I get his passion, i console him and sometimes we even talk about you and yours, i am the girl who gets the underwear but not the birthday party invitation, every second with me is not enough, every encounter has him begging for more.

I am the midnight call, the midmorning shag, i am the reason he is working late, or too busy, that is me.

This path is not for the faint hearted or for the needy,  i can tell you that much, but the lessons i have learned thus far are irrepalcebale

The less you know the better- his girlfriend has to stay a figment of your imagination

 keep your feelings at bay, 
 continually give yourself a reality check, your feelings have no space in this place,
 shes his safe haven and you are his whirlwind, 
remember your role, play it well.

Don't ever believe a word he says.

He's going to lie to you. Why wouldn't he? He's lying to her. Oh, you're different? You're not.

 You're just the other woman. You're a girl he's not looking to make his future with. You're just the girl he's entertaining in his present. And you will be a part of his past.

 Don't flatter yourself with mental lies saying you're what he really wants. You maybe, but you're far from what he needs. He's playing a game....and your allowing it so...

Congratulations, you've successfully made it through your "other woman" experience...my conscience says to me now

Breathe. Cry. Get angry. Move on.

It's now time to focus on you.
Forgive and forget.

You may be thinking, "What do I have to forgive him for? I'm the one who's hurt!" You're right. He did a shitty thing, but so did you.

You've gone through your depression. You've beat yourself up for what you did. You've wondered "what if" more times than you can count. And you're still in the same condition he left you.

Forgive yourself for putting yourself through that. Forgive him for playing both you and his girl. Now forget it happened. Move on with your life.

Realize your self-worth.
You're a beautiful person inside and out. You made a mistake, and you've forgiven. You owe it to yourself to delve deep and figure out what you aren't happy with in yourself.

Whether you don't think you have a good personality, you think you're not pretty enough or not skinny enough: Figure it out.

 In the words of Susan Jeffers, "Remove those 'I want you to like me' stickers from your forehead and, instead, place them where they truly will do the most good -- on your mirror."

What is a Good Relationship?
 how can we define relationships as great, fun or even envy them?

i often spend alot of tme with alot of different folks ,and wether we be talking about a celebrity relationship, our parents relationships of simply friendships, the word that comes up to often is "They have such a good relationship" "they are so in love"

As usual my head starts to run...."what is a good relationship" seriously what does it look it like?

what charetiistcis  does it portray?
what colour is it?
whats its warranty?
....  unlike other products like cars and Tv's " good relationships" don't float around with  "A features- package" if you will

One thing i am sure on is that love is a big catalyst of a good relationship, but offcourse

 love has different meanings for everyone, i can ask you all to define love, but i dont have that time, so to find a common feeling i am going to settle on the

 feeling of pain  when love is lacking, or its being taken away. moving along

Three days later into reading any and everything i  could get on "good relationships" i finally found the features package if you will:

Good Relationships require real commitment:

• its involves two people with their feet frimly planted in the SHIP, commitment to towards the shared interest and success of the relationship- Not a SHIP where one is loving more than the other, or trying to get the other to get onto their way of thinking--committing together to creating the loving trusting SHIP that you both want

A good relationship requires self love 

•  In order to have a happy relationship and love life , you need to first love and have a relationship with yourself, IF YOU HAVE NOT DATED YOURSELF- YOUR BEING A FOOL BY DATING ANYONE ELSE... unfortunately theirs is just no way you can make sure you have a GOOD relationship if you haven't established how you like to be loved and what makes you happy.\

A good relationship requires you to KEEP IT REAL

• This means that you don't pretend that your SHIP is good, but the windows are    broken
•  communication lines are breaking up and taps are leaking, you and your partner have a responsibility towards the health of your ship. just as you would have over your kids, or favourite garden,
• you need to do quality control checks, do the audits and then fix what is broken in the ship

A good relationship works on real time

• Address issues or argumemtents in real time- DONT GO TO BED ANGRY - you may never wake up to see the next sunrise, so always stay up, talk it out- Adressss the issues in real time.

Seeks not to understand or control but to nurture, love, guide and accept

• This has personal weight for me- it is nearly impossible to understand another human being,NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE  - you would have to have seen  them from birth and see then on a near molecular level
• you don't need to always try to understand each other, simply nurture guide and love another

A good relationship is pain free.

• Love is a great gift, it it giving, caring, adventurous, passionate, without condition, its forgiving , its encompassing. BUT LOVE IS NOT PAIN.

So the bext time the good relationship word gets thrown around, or someone compliments you on having a good relationship...you have an idea of what they see-or atleast what should be reflected.

Your Thoughts?

Friendship, the perfect blendship....Or a toxic dose of love that HURTS..

"Some friends may be betrayers from the start; others may turn into betrayers because of what's going on in their lives or because of changes in their personality"

Friendship is a delicate thing to have, maintain and build, i must admit i thought i knew what a friendship entails when i was in high school, i partook in friendship bracelets, labelled people as best friends , bossom buddies etc.

Ontop of that for the longest time in my life i had 80% of my friends be men, and i must admit i use to be proud of that fact untill ............i got to college, and soon realized that your longest and closests friends are the ones you will make in college or atleast in your 20-30 year age gap.

i learned some serious lessons on the nature and fickleness of these female bonds and thought i would put my insights on a page.

Firstly their are 101 definations of friendship and sometimes the demands we put on our friends are more than those we put on our partners, and i can safely say breaking up with a friend is much more devastating then breaking up with a lover.

Secondly, i find it amusing that regardless of the fact that these are relationships too, they seemingly manage to slip and bend regular relationship rules...common decency is another thing that this relationship is also allowed to ignore...i dont see how the same principles dont apply...

So with that said,

My definition off friendship is vast and varies dpending on the nature of your relationships, but what friendship idoes not have a space for is:

1. Abuse:

 to often i see how a group of girls have a pack leader, and how within this unit there can be serious amount of abuse..and for some reason, due to the fact that it is coming from a group of girls it is not that spoken off, nor is it  fought back on either.

Here is the deal ladies, taking abusive or degrading behaviour  FROM ANYONE .. IS NOT ON...ALSO to remain part of this group is plain stupidity..., and anybody that sits by and allows someone to be bullied is not worth it... these people are not your friends, not even slightly..love your own ass abit more and cut the ties.

  2.  Jelousy:
 Now we all know what jelousy looks like, IF YOU HAVE A FRIEND THAT YOU DEEM SLIGHTY JELOUS OF YOU- lose them, their is no place in an authentic friendship for jelousy,you simply cannot be friends with someone who secretly envies you- You deserve better- cut the biatch lose.

   3. Competiton: 

if you find yourself in a space with a bunch of women that are constantly competing with each other- for the better the outfit , cuter guy, sexier haircut-

Book the f*ck  out, you cannot be competed with or be competing with friends, you are all individual beings , that are suppose to support each other, and love each other just the way you are.

4. Double- Crossing:   
The two timing - double crossing, gossip monger, who just gives you silent treatment, and puts you on constant guilt trips- You just can do better than her, full stop move one

5. Undisclsoing -

When you tell your friend that this is between "us" and it doesnt take her longer than a phone call to spill- the line you need to use is- You are the weakest link goodbye.

6. Fault finding: 

These friendships  are the ones that consist of constantly breaking each other down on anything and everything the other tries to do- if they cant give you possitive critiism and guidnece do the princess WAVE with a smile.

Frienship is important, their is not doubt, but trust me 4 great girlfriends, beats a team of double- crossing, disclosing gossips, dont compromise your friendship boundaries, due to the fear of lonliness, be the friend you want to have and have patience the right ones will arrive.

Also its ok if not everybody is your friend, its not your duty to be everyones bossom buddy,  You ared allowed to be picky.

I have told you know what friendship is not,  and that with  relationships you may be picky, cause this one is a lifelong journey.

Carmen, Chanty, Robin ,Bongi , Ushi, Lizel , Chris,Nash, Lina  and Zelda- thank you for teaching me what friendship is and what the HELL it sure aint.

Love and Light.
Stiletto Rambler

The Unspoken Relationship Rule\tool- No one wants to share...your pearl of wisdom to more sex, more understanding, more intimacy





Before i continue i urge you to not read further, unless you are about to take what i say  DDEEEEEEEPLY seriously , and unless you are going to use these tools for the better!.

At the end of this article, and if you employ this skill, i will guarantee you at least a 20% increase in your understanding, communication and intimacy of your current relationship, as well as atlseat a 20% increase on all other close relationships. you have, if that is..... you.... choose to own , and hone this skill.

• You will argue lesss
• You will understand more
• You will grow together
• You will be loved in the way you want to
• It will increase your understanding of yourself- witch will in turn help you to get the love you want
• You will love the way you are expected to
• And intimacy and Sex will not disappear after year 1.

I am a communications major, with an interest in human behaviour and about 9 years ago in my Psych 101 class we touched on interpersonal relations  and on a topic called Love Languages....by Dr Gary Chapman

 Offfcourse first i thought the notion  was absurd, first we have verbal,   (talking) and non verbal communication (body language) and now you want to tell me we have a love language too?!?!?! -  AS IF IT ISNT HARD ENOUGH TO COMMUNICATE WITH MY PARTNER....(Intense i thought)...YA RIGHT

but never in my mind did i think such  a  simple tool could be such an aid to a healthy mutually fullilling relationship- Thanks Gary!

So love languages what are they?

Simply put they are the preferred ways that one wants to receive love, or the expression of love.
Its a primary way of expressing and interpreting love.

Lets dig deeper  into the love launguages and see how to make that special one feel special.

So we have..

• Words of Affirmation
  Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.
• Quality Time
  In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful
• Receiving GiftsDon’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love,of thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.

• Acts of Service
  Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.
• Physical Touch
  This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

Discover your love language click her : http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/


ANYHOOO, now that you know your love language, or your spouses i am going to share with you how this has played out in my life and how i can ateast to it working.

The people in my circle of love and as i go along they willl know i am using them for the good of learning- all have one or two of these lanuages .. so enjoy the insight and how these love languages work..for me

Lets start with my:

• Quality time types-  Firstly my love language is touch...but please don't touch me unless we are intimate..

On top of that speak love in gifting...anyway  lnto my quality time lion...now i can stay away from my quality time soul for three days...rock up with a brand new car, some treats (gifts) and stories to tell...

we can spend hours talking i can leave and she wont feel  that loved...
should i rock up hangover one day and we spend the whole day laying together watching movies and chatting- i can leave in 2hrs and she will feel more loved -(get it quality time)

• Gift types- Oh my gifter he makes my life amazingly wonderful, would almost say his the love of my life.... but come his birthdays or anniversaries i get full on panic attacks..

• i tested  this theory once and decided to forget his birthday...trust me i still here about it... and ladies if your man speaks gifts NEVER PULL THIS STUNT...

Seriuosly  the pressure for me as a toucher  to show thoughtfulness... and caring and get the perfect gift is  madness...sometimes i just want to cop out and make my gift be HUGE hug...but you get my point.

• Acts of service types..- oh  Lordy ..my acts of services was a life lesson  all on his own - this  next exapmle is one that is very common in marriages....

 he comes home and you complain..you haven't kissed , hugged or touched me in days.. you dont love me.

him: but i ,took out the trash , fixed the broken light , washed the clothes  etc how  can you say i don't love you!

As you can see it is important to know how your loved one speaks love, and try and speak to them in the way the understand..

So if you haven't ,taken the test take it...and enjoy the new journey of your relationships

Your Thoughts ?

StilettoRambler: Your Pain Pattern ...is chosen by you ..Break Yo...

StilettoRambler:  Your Pain Pattern ...is chosen  by you ..Break Yo...:   Your Pain Pattern ...is chosen  by you ..Break Yourself free from  YOUR OWN Masochistic behaviour  (NEED TO ABUSE YOURSELF) and become hap...

 Your Pain Pattern ...is chosen  by you ..Break Yourself free from  YOUR OWN Masochistic behaviour  (NEED TO ABUSE YOURSELF) and become happier.







How deep is your masochistic tendencies? ...(How much discomfort causes you comfort...?)

and what level of Masochicist are you dating?...(what level makes him comfortable) 

Masochism - The tendency to derive pleasure, especially  sexual gratification, from ones own pain or humiliation.....

Someone who is masochistic is someone who enjoys their own suffering, pain, abuse, humiliation, or domination.

If you are a masochinist, you like being in pain or being abused, looking for fights, control and make life harder for yourself..

When i first came across this term, it blew my mind!!!!!  ( I  was like i am not like that, who in the world would want to cause them selves unnecessary pain, why would i seek love that results in abuse, rejection and pain..that is insane....)

then i took a long walk thru my previous relationships and red flags popped up every where...

so needless to say, finding out that some of us out there's level of comfort is discomfort...especially in relations and relationships...boggled me..

So i dug deeper , over the years read a psych book here and there and ....

Basically, it all stems back to our childhoods and how you\we leaned to love....

if  you grew up  learning to feel comfy with only a certain level of love you will always seek that level, ...hear me again... if  you grew up  learning to feel comfy with only a certain level of love you will always seek that level.. takes being creatures of habits... to other heights

Lets say  you grew up used to eighty percent happiness. Or only forty percent happiness, this is what you will always be comfortable with....basically a week without a fight will have you anxious if that is what you grew up with..

 When this concentration shifts—even if it’s upwards—you will then start to feel anxiously ...because this new zone doesn't feel familiar.....

As a result you might instinctively want to do something self-sabotaging, so you can shift your happiness concentration back down, to your familiar zone.... think about it..

"Thats deep"

Anyway

 i must admit i have seen it often,  just as your relationship is doing well, things are nice.... depending on whose masochistic nature is the highest , someone will try and EFFFFFFF it up..consciously or subconsciously


Why you asking???....

well , sadly our brains have  been washed  and smeared with dirty images of what love and relationship are - we have been taught love languages of (Shouting, Hitting, ignoring, sulking ,  swearing ...silent treatment,  withholding nookie etc) .

And due to  this conditioning we more often then none will seek out sub par love behaviours even if your relationship is doing  great! -

 now its hard to recognise these patterns of  pain that we put ourselves thru, but as you know i am a big advocate of " those who know better should do better" so from now on when you recognise that you are running a masochistic pattern  remember this:

1.

• You are not your past
• You are not how others have treated you (mom, dad, uncle or lover)
• You are not your past behaviour
• This is your chance to have the relationship you want
• This is your time to write your love story
• YOU ARE ONLY WHO YOU ARE.... RIGHT NOW .....AND YOU CAN CHOOSE YOUR BEHAVIOUR PATTERN.

2.Understand that masochism is a psychological problem that affects a person's ability to have equal and balanced relationships due to a need to place themselves in a painful victimised position. (read more on the behaviour so you can recognise it yourself and your partner)

3.Figure out how to remove yourself from the role of punisher or dominant member of the relationship.

4. Allow the masochist to make their own decisions and reinsert the person's willpower back into their lives.

5. Be vigilant about not falling into manipulations by the masochist and tell them that you will no longer participate in their masochistic tendencies

But mosLy, break your own pain pattern, spend time with happy couples and start to see what "normal and "happy" love is, understand that you may have triggers of past pain, take the spiritual journey and lessons.

And rewrite your love script- You Know in your heart what you deserve never settle for less.

Your Thoughts ?

Hells to the EEFING NO- I AM OUT….Deal Breakers…

 

I often listen to what monstroseties people deal with, or go through to either keep a relationship, acquire one or stay in one…and it often makes me wonder if they have, or know what their deal breakers are?

Deal breakers for those of us living under a rock are actions, behaviours or words that have only one consequence… burning the bridges… cutting them lose and they result in OH HELLS TO THE EFFING NO's

Deal breakers are the least shallow tools you can add to your life of skills, this tool doesn’t care how attractive you are,

or how great the sex is, they couldn’t care less about your pocket or the terms of a relationship

, they also don’t care about the status of a relationship…they are code reds set up that result in the ending of a relationship, and they should be put in place to make sure you sieve out frogs from the princes .

Accommodating any unhealthy behavior due to the fear of shame or humiliation,  of the fear of lonelines ,is just not worth it..Now we all know the obvious deal beakers such as....

Things like:

·         Like women who wear to much make up- men have always told me natural is better.

·         Or men bring up there “mad skills in bed”

·         Or having too many piercings on your face.

·         Smoking

·         Lying

·         Drinking

·         Swearing

·         Drug abuse

·         Or that overly orange tan-ladies

Me:you know the obvious things that make it a HELL NO.... what...? what sthat? those are not deal breakers for you ?

Me: Then please tell me what are?

Them: I dont know....things like beating i guess

That response always  leaves me wondering if men and women don’t even have mild deal breakers….how can they even entre into relations…

If you aren’t even mildly armed with boundaries and Effing No’s  

how in this world will you find the patner your looking for..nevermind a healthy relationship……

Your Thoughts?

Stilettorambler- Life Lesson Series – Surrender..allow the changes..Fcuks with the flow.

Que sera sera..whatever will be will be..the futures not ours to see Que sera sera.

Over the years I have learnt that as people we always want to “Handle” things and situations ,

make things happen.....etc  we seem to equate activity with  strength and passivity with weakness..

This very notion is what I have been brooding on for the last couple of days and my lesson to share with you today is that of surrender...surrender surrender..

Many a times, I get put into situations, or a rock and a hard place if you will  and more often then none,  I find that the question people ask  is – “So what are you going to do” a lot of the times I give an honest “ I don’t know, we will have to see”

witch as you can imagine can be quite frustrating to people who need direction or at the least a decision.

Why the lack of activity , why the Que sera sera ?

Well I am convinced that tooo many of us are afraid of surrendering ,  surrendering to the unknown, surrendering to all the possibilities , surrendering to the script...

and i get it, i get it , many of us, and many a times it can be seen as giving up or as mentioned a sign of weakness, oddly enough I find quite a create amount of peace in surrendering,

I find create comfort in not always having to handle the situation,  or having to make something happen etc…

 A great love of mine once told me that an unopened letter will eventually answer itself, and so i with my need to put theories into practice ....thought..- why not take it further.

What about an unanswered question, a problem not figured out? a situation not dealt with..will they not to answer themselves, figure themselves out, handle themselves?

So i went on the que sera quest and i discovered

The idea of letting go, or accepting that in life you have very little control off things is one that gets me into quite heated debates at gatherings, and one that scares the Sh*it out of people..

 but seriously.......get over yourselves.... is  life not suppose to be lived with ease?  should  we not relax through life… why  in the hell the need to constantly  have our fingers on lifes pulse?????!?!!?

We need not constantly seize hold of the Job, situation, relationship… for crying out loud ...

relax!!!!! surrender!!!!!!… live through it, take that finger of its pulse, I promise things will go the way they are suppose to go… 

Think about it for a second

Is our control really necessary to the workings of the world? to the workings of our lifes and surrroundings –

·         Do we have to wake up every morning to ask the universe to let the sunrise?- NOPE

·         When we turn our backs on the ocean, the universe doesn’t mess up and send waves every where?

·         We don’t have to remind our bones to grow every year?

·         We don’t have to command our eyes to blink?

·         Hold seminars to remind flowers to bloom..

·         Or make sure to remind the world to spin on its axis.

• if we dont show up at work, the show will go on
• If we break up, new love will appear...
• When it is our time to pass come hell or high water you will reach your final destination.
• When your pregnancy term is ready the baby will arrive.
• if that relationship wasnt meant for you, it will end.
• you cant controll when a kid will walk or talk ..you get my point

If the universe can do all this on its own, I am sure you need not be afraid to surrender…

realise that your plan for yourself is just a working blueprint

it is not set in stone, surrender to the fact that you don’t have to handle every situation or  better yet create them.

Seriously guys and gals, settings up a date night  with a loved one is great.... but please don’t try and create the romance just enjoy the company.

Stop trying to orchestrate , plan and manuover things,

Practise surrendering to the here and to the know,

surrender to the idea of not having a plan, surrender to the notion of stepping out of the house and having no direction- surrender to going with the flow and having confidence that it will all play out just as it should.

 Stop seeing it as giving up, or giving in..somethings, moments and even relationships in life have a natural shelf life,

and if it has expired surrender to the notion, take the lesson ( if its not clear find the lesson) grow and move on.

Cause if you don’t surrender you are  just saying that you cannot be happy until all your conditions are met…but  heres the catch ....theses conditions may never change ….

So throw away the script, or blue print you have set out , step out today with no direction and if you waver simply hum.

QUE SE RA SE RA..WHAT EVER WILL BE WILL BE.

Your thoughts?