StilettoRambler: INDEPENDENT WOMEN…gift?....curse?...and all the Ja...

StilettoRambler: INDEPENDENT WOMEN…gift?....curse?...and all the Ja...: INDEPENDENT WOMEN …gift?.... curse? ...and all the Jazz “I may be a women of the desert, but I am still a women” Paulo Coelho the Al...

INDEPENDENT WOMEN…gift?....curse?...and all the Jazz

“I may be a women of the desert, but I am still a women” Paulo Coelho the Alchemist

The online urban dictionary defines an independent women as:

: A woman who pays her own bills, buys her own things, and DOES NOT allow a man to affect her stability or self-confidence. She supports herself on her own entirely, and is proud to do so”

Music video rappers speak of a down- ass chick who, has her own money, pays for her own rent bills ,cars and can cook and clean , (and mind you she is ALWAYS bi- racial)

Music video rapper vixens, talk about how they are sexually liberated, and can get men to spend cash on them…but they can handle their own.

Men say they “want” them….. they “respect” sisters who are doing it for themselves…..women want to be them….musicians make millions writing lyrics to define them… the same men land up leaving them….these independent wonder women….you don’t want no scrubs and can pay their own bills bills bills,…..

And so I sit and I wonder…independent ……in – dep-en- dent - women….is it worth all the bells and whistles…. ?

Is it something I have to be???  Is it something all women have to be ??? Now that main stream TV, have idolised it?

Is it a gift …..Or is it a curse

Does it mean women can’t cry anymore? Is it the new word for strength?

Is it a threat to a relationship? Is there space for this type of women in a relationship?

                                         -  IN-DEP-EN-DENT-

What in the name of Zeus and all his sons does that mean?

….i can read the definition ….but if that’s it than I refuse … REFUSE!!!

so I can pay for a house and a car…and my self confidence is not affected by a man… *raised eyebrows*

I am sorry but isn’t that just stuff that grownups should do?? And secondly BS! BS! BS!

I have lived on this earth long enough and have met phenomenal women and I can promise you, I beg to differ..

SERIOUSLY..AM I GOING TO BE A PRISONER OF THE PAST, AND PEOPLES PRECEPT IONS? OR AM I GOING BE A PIONEER FOR THE FUTURE?

So I asked myself then….”what is your definition of an independent women????” ….and this is what I concluded on, feel free to add your own.

An Independent women:  is a women that has high standards for herself and the life she wants to live, as well as the legacy she wants to leave behind, she is strong..Resilient and  hardworking.

 She insists on being treated with respect, she is sensitive and intellectual but honest and direct and will bare her soul to those who need to see it.

She ignores the standard patterns of societal femininity (so yes she may work, wear pants and pay bills), but has great respect for her own femininity.

 She has a great hope for humanity and the ability to love unconditionally,

She will work to see others in life thrive (so yes she will feed a needy kid, give a helping hand.. or babysit for a friend, or offer a lift.)

She answers to herself first and to others second, she is accountable for her actions and the captain of her ship (life)

She is reaching for horizons, (stability, friends, a career, children, an education…a great love and fun family life …) ………..for change both for herself and for the world.

She is mysterious, humble and seeks intellectual stimulation first and foremost, and if she was blessed enough to have or have had a mother that taught her how to cook, then she can do that too

She likes nice things..Seriously can you blame her  ..she was being dolled up even before she knew what the colour pink was…

She knows her SELF worth, has an idea of how she wants to be loved and won’t compromise that !,

She is versatile, she is frivolous, she is fabulous ,

 she can rock a skirt just as hard as she can rock a tie,  and if need be she can change a tyre…

                                                                          BUT

                                                        SHE IS STILL A WOMEN

Sooooo regardless of how hard core and down ass she is…she still requires a gentle touch, a loving embrace,  a shoulder to lean on , a listening ear , help with the grocery bags, and the tyre changing or the spider on the window sill.

She is not an island of independence!

She is a conglomerate of inter – dep-en-dence  (the spoon needs the hand to lift it …..For it to be useful)

GUYS: Respect your women for what they are trying to achieve in life….and never forget at the top of the stem after all the thorns and leaves…sits a budding rose.

LADIES: Remain unstoppable…but allow him to open the door.

You thoughts?

The Mirrors we date……The Mirrors we date…..

The book that changed my life was a couple of years ago is titled “Life lessons” by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross.

 In this book I came across the notion of the different life lessons , common to all mankind that we need to learn in order, to become well rounded individuals, these lessons came from people on their death beds  basically “what our mortality can teach us about life”

The lessons are: Love, Happiness, forgiveness, grief, play, anger and being authentic,

Now in order to fully indulge and give these lessons a serious go- I embarked on a journey …being that  I would read one lesson  i.e  (love) and spend the next month or so consciously trying to live this lesson- as  in completely mindfully practice the lessons…8 lessons 8 months.

Exert from the book : "The ultimate lesson all of us had to learn is unconditonal love, which includes not only others but ourselves as well"

Let me just tell you, unconditional love is not easy, to love without condition is still something I am busy practicing …anyway

Needless to say, it takes thirty days to instill a new habit, so by the time I would get to the next lesson, the other one had slowly become a part of me…. and so I began to grow and with that said, this brings me to today’s post: The Mirrors that we date…..

Becoming conscious of lessons in life, and how they get taught ……….it got me thinking….can people be lessons to?

 and just like that ,my strongest belief was created , that being that,

People are journeys to lessons we need to learn,

People are journeys to lessons we need to learn

Hear me again; People (just like experiences_) ….  Are journeys to lessons we need to learn…..

Whether it be to learn to trust, speak up for ourselves, let go..Face fears, learn tolerance, patience, and respect ….etc

We tend to attract or navigate towards souls that reflect things, we believe about ourselves. about love and about relationships….and sadly if we have negative beliefs about ourselves, love and relationships, we will then tend to navigate ourselves towards people that re-affirm these believes.

Firstly – I am hoping that since the first post we are all practicing more authenticity ….owning your good, bad and uglies….

Really taking out the time to understand THE PERSON WHO STARES BACK AT US IN THE MIRROR EVERY DAY…..truly understanding …our needs and why they are our needs, tackling our daddy issues, owning our mommy issues, owning our pasts…admitting how it has shaped us , looking at our core, identifying the holes in the self, owning our desires but more importantly

 Understanding them so that we can identify the ones that aren’t in line with where we want to be and fix them accordingly….

                                                                  Why?

Well if you don’t you will continually attract the lesson (person) that reflects your negative believes about yourself, you will continually attract-the life\relationship lesson you haven’t tackled….or addressed just like a diving test, if you don’t pass it, you will continue to take it over and over.

If you have ever sat with me in a conversation, you will note if someone in the room makes an observation about me, that may be a little crass, I always say thank you- that is if  offcourse if its true .

E.g” wow but your stubborn , opinionated, bitchy, standoffish and or rude…. I always respond with a cool “thank you” cause authentically I am all that, and I have no problem owning it- you should own all your bits too!

 The ugly truth is, if you keep finding yourself in a different relationship with the same  ol problems….you’re ignoring the lesson,. Full top 

i.e “if he cheated on you, and you never realllly forgave him before you moved on,

you will land up cheating on your new partner ,due to regressed anger ,beat yourself up for becoming the monster you had walked away from and land up  begging for forgiveness, that you never even truly gave before…thus ultimately understanding the power and need for forgiveness and hopefully silently forgiving..The first perpetrator...

Take a deeper look at your bed mirror, if what is looking back at you is anger, control and disrespect…there is a lesson there about yourself you are refusing to tackle…but willing to date..

Address your core, do the work… in the long term its way more beneficial and likely to lead to a mutually fulfilling relationship,  then continually attracting unfulfilling relationships…due to ignorance of lessons…

Your thoughts

Guest Blogger- THE ART OF BEING SINGLE....Fabulous and loving it

     

As I look up continuosly at the hand of the clock, moving...... ticking away until the time to go home finally draws near.

I clear my desk, grab my handbag and off I am for my Friday evening prep.

Excitement consumes me , as I ponder, thinking ..........what to wear?

 Do I pin up my hair?, or leave them down?

Do I rock my LBD, ?  or keep it simple and floral,? ..............either way, I will have to look good for my date!

Getting home, its the aroma of bath salts and sexy music simmering in the background................. that relaxes me., as incense fills the air, and my body soaks up the warmth of a soothing bath heightening every sensation.

With my eyes closed, I sip on my favorite glass of pinotage to get me in the mood, my thoughts starting to wonder, about the endless possibilities the night holds,...... beautiful bugs fluttering in my tummy.

 I am both nervous and excited, but sure of one thing, you can never go wrong with a fabulous pair of heels, too boost your confidence and make you ooze sex appeal ....glam goddess for the night.  That’s me!

Giving you, just that right height, to look both lean and sexy, but not to intimidate.

As the time matures to a little before seven, just when panick was about to totally ruin the night for me, I glance at the glittering light of the Jeff Campbells I am about to wear for the first time.

I must be insane to take such a huge risk, of wearing a shoe on my first date, one that I haven't yet worn, one that definitely, I am sure, will require a lot of concentration.

I should go easy on the wine, if I want tonight to be a success, I think to myself. Smiling, I get back to the most important thing in my room, my mirror.

Plucking, smudging, defining and perfecting my canvass, as I apply the lipgloss I bought today, the one with a lovely shade of pink so the focus can be on me, and just enough shimmer to go out and sparkle.

The last minutes I ease into, a stroke of genius, or maybe just pure luck I believe, as I reach into the cupboard to take out the sultry red dress I wore a while ago to a friends wedding reception, yes, the one that had heads turning and tongues wagging.

 Hints of perfume, in exactly the right spots, thinking, cosmo is surely a girls bestfriend.

Exactly fifteen minutes before my time runs up, just before I was about to leave I look back at my reflection in the mirror and think to myself

 if only people out there knew.............. how rewarding it is to take time out for just you and give yourself a break—

simply just enjoy the essence of you, while on a date with yourself.

Cheating…Window shopping…keeping it on the low…uncovering the truth about cheaters…..

I have always had this notion that cheating is a two way process, cause and effect if you will… I have always thought of it as rather reactive, then proactive …act

I have always assumed that good people cheat ,because there is something lacking in their relationships, thus if my partner had to cheat on me and disclose this fact to me, my first question to myself would always be …

“Where did I go wrong” “was I not attentive enough”  “should I have done this better? Or that better?”“why would my partner seek love somewhere else?”

Off course you can imagine that, having the point of view    …………..that -punishment of the cheater wouldn’t be my first response, but introspection of my actions in the relationship would be..….  gets quite the eye brow raise, or  an outright cry of NONSENSE!..... Around the company I may be keeping at that point.

Let me first clear the air, I am not talking about your habitual, passive-aggressive- image obsessed- selfish -sensationalist with a god complex, that thinks that they are better or smatter than the people around them, feed of off deceit and lies  and get tickled by the adrenalin  rush of keeping it on the low.

I am talking about your average monogamist that gets their fingers caught in someone else’s pie… and gets stuck their:

·         Could it be that, some people cheat cause they feel the relationship is almost too good, so they try and taint it to take the pressure off being the template couple?.

·         Could it be, because of fear of failure or mistakes, is it easier to cheat and test the waters , while still keeping your main partner cause you are afraid that you may be getting it all wrong? Or,

·         Could it be a sad attempt at a way out of the relationship…? Is getting caught an easier out then simply doing the right thing and leaving?

·         Or are these people deeply just emotionally unavailable but don’t want to face the mirror and so pretend to live the stable life?

Regardless of the why’s cheating is a deceitful act, but honestly some of those reasons sound quite appealing……?

 why not just get caught instead or admit?

Why not have a safety net while testing the waters? Sure beats being the bad guy in the relationship ….!

Why not have the benefits of two, while you sort out witch one?

Well here is the why…..cause you’re wasting some else’s time and heart space, yes…yes  I know it wasn’t meant to happen….  (it never really is) and you meant no harm…..,  ( you never really do ) and if that REALLY be the case, let the person go….

 Admit the wrong and take the consequences that come, if they choose to forgive you without using that as ammunition for manipulation,  then you are lucky- (seize that moment and treat your relationship better the second time round.)

 If they hate the floor you walk on and condemn you to hell, swallow that pill too, you did after all you did,  infuse pain on someone else.

But mostly live mindfully of your actions …. and make sure that what you do is in the best interest of yourself (even if that means leaving) , your path and your loved ones.

 Your thoughts…?

Mothers Be good to your daughters…daughters will love like you do..

One of the things I enjoy doing in a conversation about relationship beliefs or perceptions ...is to track the root.....,

Especially when I am sitting in a full blown debate at a restaurant about the latter, something I always revert back especially with women is “face those daddy issues”  we look for men that carry qualities of our fathers, even though these may be unrealistic, and on this futile mission we pick up the wrong ideals of love, relationship and respect..

Naturally if we have these unresolved issues and this major influence from daddy dearest…surely we get some from our mothers too…?

 The question is then established: mothers?….yep mothers ?the women whom we instantly have to rely on from the moment we take our first breath,

if fathers or the lack of one, are such a huge influence on the partners that women choose, or shape their choices after then what about mom…? what influence does mom have?

A glance to the left and written on a wall is a quote stating “ have a mind that is open to everything but attached to nothing” with that ,now staring me square in my face i venture of further on mothers,

The types of Mothers:

·         Mothers who are jealous of their daughters and compete with them.

·        Mothers who are drivers of perfection, mothers who knit pick.

·        Mothers that are cardboard copies of suzy homemacker (eish)

·        Mothers who are overbearing, mothers who are distant

·        Mothers that abuse, mothers that manipulate.

There are so many unconscious subliminal relational and emotional  messages \beliefs that mothers  entrench in their daughters,  Beliefs  such as, you need a man in your life for security, but don’t trust men- cause they can’t do anything properly…do it yourself.,  or if you don’t snag one by the age of 30, you will land up sad and lonely.

They influence the relationships their daughters have with their bodies and are more often than none the cause of a poor body image, they communicate that a well raised women is domesticated, poised, polished and gracious but hardworking and caring,

 They push you to get educated and build a career to look after yourself, then bother you to settle down with a man and start making babies,

What worries me the most, is that mothers like everyone else, have their own set of problems issues , beliefs and live experiences that have bought  them to where they,

they communicate these attitudes and beliefs whether they mean to or not and these messages, affect the way their daughters , treat and talk to themselves,  everything from body image issues, to eating habits and even personal style.

Don’t get me wrong I love my mother, i have leaned invaluable lessons from her,  everything from strenghth to grace and faith , and I have a great amount of respect for mothers, but the fact remains,  if mothers aren’t good to their daughters, and daughters don’t employ a mind that is open to everything and attached to nothing it’s a recipe for self esteem disaster and even more detrimental personal relationships,.

Take the pearls of wisdom that give handed to you, listen to the beliefs , watch the actions, debate with yourself and then decide weather it truly is something you can pack into your quest

Just because she stayed in an unhappy cold marriage , doesn’t mean that you need to grin and bear it through yours..get out.

 leaving doesn’t mean failure, it signifies the first step to -better, if you don’t like to cook and clean,  but love to be under a bonnet of a car, it doesn’t make you “less” suited for Matrimony…your match will hate a spanner and love a grater.

You are not your mother, you are you and your journey is yours as hers is hers, sure invite someone to accompany you on your journey, but for Pete shake don’t do it for security lets face it, sleeping next to gold can get rather cold.

Love your body, its the only one you have, regardless of what anyone says to you, including mommy dearest.

This post is not aimed at pointing fingers at mothers, its aimed at daughters to admit their experiences , understand their mothers are daughters too

Accept your influences, understand why you have the ideas you have, treat yourself the way you do- and then -  Rectify it- remember is not perfection its progress.

Take the advice, listen to the guidance, but at all times remember to have a mind that is open to everything and attached to nothing.

 Your Thoughts?

Attention seekers…Coddling needers…are you dating MR or Misses Drama and the why..??!

Ever been in a relationship, or lived vicariously through one that seems to breed and feed of Drama? You must have seen them..,

Scene : 1  Your all having a great time at a friend’s house and then suddenly one of the parties storms out, is upset and starts making demands and threatens the other, after some commotion  and a little embarrassment for both, the calmer soul, excuses the couple, they bow their heads and go home?

                                    OR

Scene: 2 One of the parties feels neglected by the other, so they start throwing down shots and  start getting louder , flirts with randoms, make fools of themselves on the dance floor …all in an attempt to get noticed and before you know it, you get stuck in a situation where you has have to babysit the other, cause they are now a loud, rowdy drunk and the AA project for the rest of night?

                                OR

Scene : 3 One of the parties , is ready to call it a night , but the other isn’t, what follows is the other sulking, becoming overly verbal or simply giving the silent treatment and then gets up and simply gets in their car and leaves the other stranded...?

                                Lastly

Scene : 4 one I might add, that I had experienced a few lifetimes ago, the two of you were pissy to begin with, but you take the leap and meet up with your friends, your avoiding each other all night and socializing with everyone else but each other, drinks off course are flowing, eventually you go home and the fight you put on the back burner escalates in the car, then it comes “stop this car I am walking home!!!!!” the other exists and their you find yourself following your beloved in the car at a slow 20kmh,because they are adamant on walking home…all the while screaming at each other, demanding  to – be- left-ALONE while shouting profanities at each other

So there you have it, if you haven’t witnessed it or lived, well done, you haven’t missed much

But if you have, ……here is the ugly …besides the fact that you should pull the get out of jail free card and omit yourself from that relationship, and apart from the fact that this kind of relationship behaviour should not even slightly be tolerated I have come to realize that a lot of people will still push through and try and mend the relationship, that off course being their choice…

The truth however is that, if your relationship consist of 60% drama, and it’s the only  catalyst for you to communicate with each other, or to have make – up S*x , it really only means that,

 You don’t like your bed empty , so you tolerate this behavior cause you may have already engaged intimately with them, and now don’t know how to get out…., better yet you want a  relationship much more than you want the right person, you are insecure (very I might add), your are toooo scared to fail at yet another relationship so  you eat the BS and push through or the saddest but carrying the most weight is that you think you can help..

Firstly you cannot change someone who can’t change themselves, your self- love is not near where it should be, so please disengage, you may be trying to fill a role, that they aren’t ready to allow you into, you both haven’t dealt with your mommy and daddy issues, and you may be on the path to a very abusive , or emotionally negative relationship.

Ladies, the drama saga is not cute, and it’s a wasted outfit, as you will land up at home, also you are not impressing anyone, give yourself the attention you need and stop trying to seek it externally,

Guys, you are not her dad, quit the controlling act, she has one to do that for her, and if she doesn’t still not your place to be her behavior police.

If the reason your acting up sooooooooooooo is  truly because you feel that the person your dating is not paying a healthy amount of attention to you, and your feeling unappreciated, then address that, and gage whether they are really REALLY ready for a happy, loving committed relationship.

If not, save us all the drama, and the pitty parties, its getting old.

Your thoughts..?

Playing house…without sharing the mortgage…  “Living in sin” and other thoughts on “moving in together”

A couple of my email followers have posed the same question to me lately, asking me, “What my views were on moving in together”  in this post I would like to address playing house…

 This new phenomena has really grown in the last few years, more and more couples have started to live  the married  life, before the ring....going as far as growing up entire households without ever really signing the dreaded contract,
The piece of paper that seemingly suddenly changes everything in a relationship..The infamous marriage contract…..

once upon a time,  by the time a coupled moved in together, it was usually after their honeymoon,  or a few months before their wedding…however these days people tend to cohabitate as early as three months into their courting …daydreaming together about the bogus future they may have together..

Fuelled by myths such as, everybody is doing it, or cohabiting couples will eventually marry, or their marriage will last longer …due to the fact that they have tested the waters…hogwash! 

 I mean at face value i can see the benefits....., you get to share grocery costs, there is a warm body in bed every night,  you get to spend more time together, and  your space is filled and it SEEMS like your life is moving on swiftly …..

Well if you ask my honest opinion I would tell you that:

it is a petty, shady waste of my emotional capacity… pretending to have a future with me…(you read correctly  PRETENDING ).

 Its  playing with my perceptions , its deceptive, it creates expectations that may never realise and its occupying the best years of my “single” life and ultimately  leaving me with more baggage the day we split, and a lot more assets sharing then I would have liked, since at the time (“ we were buying ourselves a.. TV, microwave etc)

frankly  speaking playing house without the intention of signing the contract , is you allowing someone else to get the cake and eat it too,

up until the day you have had the conversation about your intentions for your future together aka .. on whether or not you intend to marry me :

·         Your tooth brush is not welcome in the bathroom.

·         Your sports posters can find a lamp post for all I care

·         Your socks on the lounge floor aren’t welcome.

·         Its not our dog, its yours..feed it yourself in your yard

·         “What’s for dinner tonight”- has nothing to do with me.

·         And your laundry is your issue.

It happens to often where couples move in together, living the bogus pretend future, then their habits and attitudes start to change towards each other and the relationship lands up ending..

 in the meantime you have beautifully starred and perfected the role of future “wife” and  you have never really gotten the time to discover what you like, or what your personal space would reflect…why we are skipping these valuable steps for  relationship growth are beyond me!

Unfortunately girlfriends playing wife aren’t Wives ………….they are girlfriends staring in a role….. a rle mind you that may never materialise,

take the time, own your own pad, grow your own interests, live on your own for a while, you can always visit each other, set up play dates and allow your relationship to grow at  its own pace, in the end its your choice to cohabitate or not too, but I implore you to have the conversation ….and know the truth cause lets be honest

“if a someone  told you that they have no intention on dating you, and that you were merely  just going to be a shag for a few weeks with some texts, emails and a lunch thrown in….you wouldn’t stick around...this is no different .

The ugly truth here is that you are simply saying that you don’t value yourself enough to be pursued with dignity and grace, instead you will spend you twenties and thirties playing house, allowing someone to drag you along without ever having the intention of committing to you,

Don’t give me the rubbish argument about testing out the waters and seeing if you could live together when you’re married..

lets face it ...if you put all the right things in place, like loving yourself, knowing your values, establishing your boundaries and filtering the frogs from the princes, you shouldn’t then suddenly when you get married, land up with a complete sloth that has never washed a cup in his life, folded a shirt or cooked an egg.

Your thoughts?